| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
This is a relatively long chapter. The beginning of the chapter isn't necessarily important, the plot can be done without it, but i felt that since the story is centered around fans also, I wanted to entertain myself by hearing some of their views. This part is the only part of the story that is in third person's point of view. it is written in the thought that these are fans conversing on an imaginary DBSK forum. Also, just to make it less confusing, instead of making up usernames, i just put their screen names as 'user#1' so each different number is a different person. if you see a number twice, that means the same person has commented more than once. it's nothing too big of a deal but i just wanted to point that out in case anyone get confused. Please do not think I have derived anything said in the 'internet' portion of this story from anything anyone has said in real life. It's just a part of my overactive mind. If there is a website with such a name (as said at the closing Internet Scene), it is pure coincidence for I made it up. If there is a website with that same name please let me know so that I can change it.
Once again, this is pure fiction. All of this is made up. I heard someone say that writing in this context is illegal in a sense, but all of this, most of it, is made up (at least in this chapter). There are many offensive comments in this chapter, but please don't think i'm targeting anyone in particular. it's just a story and does not reflect my beliefs on certain subjects. it just pertains to the elements that make up the plot.
thanks again. see you next time :)
Chapter 39
The Internet
User# 1: Today, 8:16 PM
Ha! DBSK like women? I didn’t know that.
User# 2: Today, 8:16 PM
Jaejoong? A father? Of who? Yunho’s child?
User#3: Today, 8: 17 PM
I’m a bit surprised. To tell you the truth, I would’ve expected them to end up with Asian girls, not some white girl. Those kids can’t be his. They have blond hair. If they are, then he’s a sellout. I don’t know why some of these artists always think that Westerners are better than their own.
User#4: Today, 8:17 PM
You know what, that interview just proved to me how much these guys don’t care. They’ll tell you what you want to hear just so that they can make themselves look good. Why didn’t he address the issue when he had the chance? Where was he running off to? Doesn’t he know how long fans have been waiting for a response? Oh wait, nevermind. I ALMOST forgot. He doesn’t care. I don’t know about these guys anymore…
User#5: Today, 8:17 PM
I heard that she got beaten up. Now even if the information was a little bit disappointing, I think whoever did this has gone too far. We don’t know the facts except from that article that, in my opinion, seems a bit contrived and one-sided. I told myself that I don’t care, but I honestly want to hear her side of the story.
User#6: Today, 8:19 PM
Response to User# 5 @ Jan 12th 2012, 8:17 PM
Her side? What side is there to here? The facts are straight and to the point. And in this case, all the points are facing in her direction. It’s plain and its simple. She’s a bitter gold digger who couldn’t stomach DBSK’s success without having her nasty foot in it, and now the boys are suffering because of her. I don’t care that she was beaten up. In fact, I’m happy! This is one time when I agree with some fan’s actions! She deserved to be beat up for hurting our boys like that!”
User#7: Today, 8:22 PM
User# 6, Are you freaking insane?! She deserves to be hurt? Do you know her personally? Do you even know the true story? I have a major in journalism and work at a magazine company that I wont mention, but I will tell you that it is immensely popular especially when it comes to celebrities and their scandals, and I can tell you firsthand that that article was fabricated! The way it was written seems a bit too done up and embellished to me. It doesn’t sound like a report but more like a letter written by a jealous mean girl that wants to slander someone’s name for one reason or the other (in this case, to sway in favor of DBSK). If you ask me, there’s a hidden story here that we don’t know about. As a fan, I have to say, I’m a bit hurt that this was kept from us. Four years?! Well, they claimed the two of them weren’t together those four years, but before that, when they were so innocent…or at least claimed to be innocent, and then when they claimed to be single, they were busy having girlfriends. Okay, okay sorry, I just had a crazy, jealous fangirling moment. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised because most of these guys are monitored to say things like they love their fans or would marry a fan so that we can keep on supporting them. But back to my initial statement, I think the person above me was totally stupid for saying that the girl deserved to get hurt. No matter what she did, or no matter what anyone does, I don’t think they deserve to be hurt in such a malicious way.
User#8: Today, 8:22 PM
Response to User#7 @ Jan 12th, 2012
User # 6 are you kidding me? No matter what anyone does they don’t deserve to be hurt? So if a serial killer kills a girl’s family, he doesn’t deserve to be hurt?
User#9: Today, 8:23 PM
Whoa now! Slow your roll! You’re comparing this lady to a serial killer?!
User#6: Today, 8:24 PM
Response to User# 9 @ Jan 12th, 2012
Yes! She has serial killed over a million girls right now by doing what she did. It’s not even so much that she was with Jaejoong. It’s the fact that she used him! Whether the article was fabricated or not, I know there is a lot of fact in it. I know this for a fact! This woman is an ex-con that does NOT deserve to be with OUR Kim JaeJoong. He already had trouble with the whole adoption thing with his parents, but this is on a whole other level. To have a man’s children and not tell him? That is one of the greatest evils in the WORLD! Here this innocent guy is, happy with his life, not knowing that he has fathered two children by some hussy! Do you know he will have to live with the guilt of not knowing about them, or being at their birth, FOREVER?! I say that this lady deserves whatever’s coming to her.
User#10: Today, 8:28 PM
I hope she dies from the beating. What she did was wrong and death seems to be the only retribution that she should receive.
User#9: Today, 8:28 PM
Response to User# 10 @ Jan 12th, 2012
You’re insane…
User#11: Today, 8: 28 PM
Even if I don’t like the girl, some of you are being a tad bit unfair. No, let me rephrase that. Some of you are going TOO far. You’re being typical fans. WHAT ABOUT WHAT JAEJOONG DID TO US?! Why is everyone pointing the finger at her and only her?! She didn’t make those children on her own. No matter how she may have souped up to have them, he still went ahead carousing with other women when telling us that he was strictly single and would not have a family until he was THIRTY. This guy is TWENTY-SIX. Which means he had the kids when he was TWENTY-TWO! It means that he’s been lying to us since then, a bit longer even. He has lied to us for the past ten or so years! We have funded a liar! I am officially denouncing my DBSK fan status as of right now. For all we know, all of them are deadbeats falling in love with women who don’t deserve them. If they want to be abused, and used by women who can’t even sing a lick of their songs, women who don’t even know them like we do, then by all means. What’s pissing me off is how much of a sellout he’s being like someone mentioned earlier. Why did he have to go for a white American girl? It pisses me off how these stars think that once they’re at the top, Asians aren’t good enough. They have to get westerners to fulfill their status. Well, these are my last words to DBSK. I just want you to know that Cassiopeia has always been there for you. This is the deepest disrespect that a dedicated fan could ever receive.
User#12: Today, 8:30 PM
QUOTE: User#11 @ Jan 12th, 2012
“Why did he have to go for a white American girl?”
Well, actually, I hear she’s a ton of things. She’s actually Korean-American, so she’s not fully ‘western’. In fact, I hear that she doesn’t even have white blood inside of her. But wow, I can’t believe that it matters that much what race she is. Are you guys that closed minded? So DBSK are not allowed to fall in love with anyone other than full Koreans? What does that say about their fans that aren’t Korean? Are you implying that they love their Korean fan more than the next European or even African fan? (yes, contrary to what some of you believe, DBSK does have fans from Africa, me being one of them). You do know that a majority of their success comes from Japan and other parts of Asia and Eastern Europe right? Some of you are a bunch of hypocrites. I can’t believe what things have come to…The old days when we celebrated these guys seem like a far away dream now. I hope that this isn’t their downfall but the way things are looking…
User#13: Today, 8:31 PM
Everything is so crazy now…I miss the old times…when they were pure, and cute, and innocent…I guess it’s true what they say, nothing lasts forever…
User#14: Today, 8:31 PM
Some of you need to cut this out. DBSK ARE HUMAN BEINGS! What the hell do you think was going to happen? Did you honestly think that they were going to remain single for the rest of their life?! Oh wait, let me guess, you actually thought Yunho and Jaejoong were together? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe they only acted as a couple because YA’LL ENCOURAGED IT? YA’LL SPURRED THEM ON? Did you ever stop to think that maybe they were even offended that their closeness was taken advantage of by those minds of yours? Those of you who are damning this girl should be ashamed of yourselves. You don’t know who she is, believe it or not, YOU DON’T REALLY KNOW WHO JAEJOONG IS, so don’t sit here and act like you know what’s best for him and what isn’t. Don’t sit here and act like he betrayed you either. Nowhere in the DBSK CD, ticket, or magazine you purchased was there a section that urged you to sign your life away to these guys. Nowhere in DBSK interviews did they say that you should live by their word. DBSK didn’t tell you to neglect your social life because of their claims of undying love. Haven’t they always said that they worry about the fans because of how much they love them? This girl, four years ago, was in the hospital for two weeks because of dedicatedly, but stupidly, standing outside DBSK’s hotel in the snow for nearly twenty hours just so that she could meet them! This girl was on her deathbed, talking about ‘it was worth it’. COME ON GUYS! WAKE THE HELL UP! THIS INCIDENT HAS JUST SHOWN US THAT THIS IS NO LONGER A FANTASY (IT NEVER WAS). THIS SHOWS THAT DBSK ARE NOT GODS. THIS SHOWS THAT DBSK ARE NOT PERFECT. THIS ESPECIALLY SHOWS THAT DBSK ARE HUMAN, CAPABLE OF LYING, HURTING, SMILING, AND CRYING. It disgusts me when fans forget where their favored superstars really came from…
User#6: Today, 8:34 PM
Response to User#14 @ Jan 12th, 2012
This shows us that DBSK have forgotten where they have come from…
Guest: Today, 8: 34 PM
Hahaha. I’m from the DBSK anti-fan site and I just stopped by to see you guys in pain. Remember all those years when we warned you that either these guys are whores or gay? You all didn’t listen to us. Now you’re suffering for it and nothing makes me happier. I heard a fan attempted to commit suicide when she heard about this. Some of you are so dumb, living for guys who OBVIOUSLY don’t give a damn about you. DBSK IS OVER! THEY ARE OFFICIALLY OVER AND THE ANTIS HAVE WON IN THE END! It’s such a great feeling…
User#9: Today, 8:35 PM
Whoa some of you are going too far. DBSK hasn’t even spoken yet and you’re all jumping to these conclusions. Give the guys a break! They haven’t had one since they began their career. Maybe that’s why Jaejoong rebelled. Maybe he needed some piece of mind. It’s not a normal life you know…
User#11: Today, 8:36 PM
To hell with that ‘ya’ll need to understand their side’ crap! DID WE PUT THEM ON A LEASH AND FORCE THEM TO BECOME SUPERSTARS?! They asked for this life. They asked for this adoration. They brainwashed us into giving them our all because we thought they were doing the same for us. And what do you mean we haven’t given them a chance to speak? What did they do when they had the chance to speak? You guys saw how he scrambled off like a punk. Like some chicken without a head. I’m so through with these guys…
Guest: Today, 8:36PM
You’re so through with them yet you came back after stating that those were your last words to DBSK. Stupid.
User#11: Today, 8:36PM
Response to Guest @ Jan 12th, 2012
Who are you calling stupid?! Retard!
User#15: Today, 8:36 PM
Hey…when you really think about it, Jaejoong looked really worried. I personally think he heard about the beating and was going to see her. Ouch, that kind of hurts to think about. Maybe you are right though, maybe he was just running away from his fans because he couldn’t face them…
User#16: Today, 8:37 PM
YunJae…oh my god…she probably came in between them…god I have never hated someone that I don’t know so much…
User# 17: Today, 8: 37 PM
I’m so confused. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! Seriously, instead of fighting with each other, we need to come together and support our boys. I think they really need us right now…
User# 11: Today, 8: 39
Response to User# 17 @ Jan 12th, 2012
You’re full of sh*t if you think that. You’re an idiot. You’re eating all the bullsh*t they’ve been feeding us. DBSK doesn’t give a damn about us. Well, I take that back. They care about us as much as they care about their bank accounts. They see us as nothing but dollar signs. The reality check has been given to us. All we can do now is accept it. Accept it and move on. Maybe this will show some fans that life doesn’t revolve around DBSK because obviously they aren’t worried about us.
User#7: Today, 8:40
Response to User#11 @ Jan 12th, 2012
Life may not revolve around DBSK, but DBSK’s life revolves around us. Without us, they would not have anything that they have right now. Don’t forget that. It seems that they have forgotten that…”
User#18: Today, 8:40
Umm, guys, I just heard on the news that Jaejoong was taken into custody by the police.
Guest: Today, 8:40
Omg! HE WAS ARRESTED?! WHY?!
User#19: Today, 8:40
I hear it has something to do with Soon. You guys heard about those allegations of him being in a gang? Oh my, what if those rumors about the guys are true?!!!!! About them being abused. About Soon being in a mob—“
We’re sorry, but the site that you are trying to reach has crashed due to too many visitors (probably in the millions). The server is now too busy, thus causing the site to shut down. We are currently working diligently to bring the forum back up as soon as possible.
Sorry for the inconvenience, and thank you for your patience,
DBSK Haven Staff
~0~0~0~
Jaejoong
“What the hell is this for?! I told you I don’t know! I don’t know anything! Now let me go because I have to go see Mariam!”
“We will let you go as soon as you answer us,” DakHo, the other detective that had accompanied Detective Kim the night they came to my house and the same day they came to Yunho’s said with thinning patience. Before even speaking to this guy I knew he wasn’t fond of me but I didn’t give a damn.
At first when they’d arrived, I’d tried to let them off easy, telling them that there was no way in heaven or hell that I could accompany them. Then they asked me how I was getting to where I was going. That was when I noticed the keys in my hands. They, like almost everyone in Seoul, knew that I was prohibited to drive for at least another few weeks.
Whether I liked it or not, I had to go with them. And because I couldn’t drive, I had to go into their cop car. The fans waiting outside Yunho’s gate saw this and threw a fit, calling the police all sorts of names for taking me away. Seeing them cry and so hurt was more than I could bear.
Before I knew it, I was placed into an interrogating room with a light so bright I began to sweat buckets—I guess unlike movies where the interrogation room was dark with one small light, this was said to be done this way in order for the suspect to be intimidated.
Suspect.
I was a suspect.
How had I gone from being an entertainer to a suspect?
Before my body hit the chair, they started shooting questions at me with a machine gun’s vitality.
“I don’t know jack! Why am I the only one being questioned?!”
I was already pissed off that this was taking longer than I hoped. I thought it would be an easy denial on my part and that I’d be on my way out. But they really had their own plans.
“The other members are in different rooms being questioned too,” Detective Kim told me, still dressed in his fedora and trench coat. The other was apparently so heated from rage by my actions that he’d stripped down to a shirt, suspenders, and a cop belt that showed where he stashed his gun. I don’t know if this was meant to intimidate me or something.
While Detective Kim was seated directly across from me, DakHo was on his feet, too agitated to remain seated.
Regardless, Detective Kim’s words about the other guys made me freeze.
“…What?”
“We have to come down to the bottom of this,” DakHo inserted, rounding the table to stand beside Detective Kim. Hunching forward, he eyed me with disdain. “You mean to tell me that none of you ever noticed anything fishy about Soon? He’s a part of one of the biggest gangs in South Korea and you didn’t know?! Do you honestly expect me to believe that?”
“DakHo, calm down,” Detective Kim warned.
“Calm down?” DakHo scowled, pointing at me with his fingers stiff and adhered. “These boys think that they’re above the law. We go easy on them far too many times,” he turned to glare at me. “You should be rotting in jail for the drunken driving you tried to pull—“
“Enough!” Detective roared with his palms slapping the table top before letting his eyes fall on me.
“Jaejoong, we need you to be completely honest with us. Do you know about Big Time Killers? Have you known about them?”
“No. And what kind of name is that anyway…”
“See?” DakHo erupted. “This fool is not taking it seriously—“
Groaning in annoyance, I rolled my stiff neck before staring at DakHo with a tiredly tilted head, bangs obscuring my eyes. “I’ve had enough of you talking to me like you know me.“
“Oh I know boys like you,” he sneered while leaning towards me with his hands widely perched on the table, disrespectfully calling me a boy even though I was clearly past adolescence. “You think that you run this earth. You think you can get away with anything, even murder! Well, the real world is about to teach you a valuable lesson of what it’s like to really suffer. Of what it’s like to live like a day to day person who has to clean up after other people’s mess—“
“DakHo, leave,” Detective Kim ordered.
“Wh—“
“I said leave!” the adamancy in Detective Kim’s voice sent DakHo storming out of the room, resounding his discomfiture with a slamming of the door.
We resorted to pin drop silence. I stared at my linked hands on the table, fuming. Fuming about a lot. Had I done the right thing? The question still probed my mind. Soon’s warnings of forever ruining my career were still at large in my brain.
Mariam’s beating.
The kids.
And what was so messed up about this entire situation, is that it could have all been avoided.
And how it could’ve all been avoided was another issue in itself.
“This must be a difficult time for you,” Detective Kim said and I scoffed, shaking my head as I sat back, glancing to my side with my jaw rigidly locked.
I wasn’t going to bother with voicing my answers. He wasn’t believing a thing I said. At first I thought I was being brought here for Mariam’s sake, but it appeared that the issue with Soon just kept on enlarging and somehow DBSK were tangled in the mess.
“Jaejoong, please, just tell us anything that you know,” Detective Kim urged with surprising calm.
“About what?” I grated, whipping my head to him.
“Soon. Tell us anything. Something.”
I stared at Detective Kim reluctantly, weighing my options.
“Now you tell me, someone who has acted like my father for nearly twenty years, someone who has protected me, someone who has been there to give me an umbrella to stand beneath when it was storming, someone who gave me food when I had nothing to eat…tell me, if that same person did something wrong, what would you do Detective? You’re always asking people questions. Now I want you to know how it feels, how hard it is, when there’s strings attached to the very people that you’re supposed to rat about. What would you do if you were in my shoes?”
Detective Kim stared at me long and hard.
“I would think about my children.”
The words struck me with tsunami strength and I was frozen so much that I even stopped smoking.
Quietly, Detective Kim reached for the manila file, opened it and spread a number of black and white pictures in front of me. The images in the glossy black and white pictures made bile instantly shoot up my throat. Before anything could spill, I covered my mouth with my hand, watching in horror.
I was all about living a life full of color, but for the first time I was glad to be seeing what I was seeing in black and white. Had I seen it in color I wouldn’t have been able to stomach anything that lay ahead of me.
Beatings, as brutal as they come, were the main theme of the pictures. I wasn’t so sure that beatings were the only thing that made the unidentified persons disfigured. I swear I thought I saw some bullet holes somewhere, but the dark liquid like substance that I saw, I was sure was blood. It trickled against pale skin, drifted from open mouths that showed shock, probably from not expecting what had happened to them. I would be surprised if anyone in the photos survived and was too afraid to ask and find out.
“I’m not saying that all of these were carried out by Soon, but I know for a fact that Big Time Killers were responsible for these suspicious beatings. These beatings have happened in a span on ten to twenty years, they are in no way related to the beating of Mariam, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if Mariam's beating was in relation to Soon and his gang. This gang ranges from here, all the way through Asia and Europe, and even to some major cities in America, namely New York. At home, they prey on the poor. In foreign countries, they prey on the Korean families, tearing through their homes for their own personal gain. I am telling you right now Jaejoong, that whether or not Soon was responsible for Park Jong Hun’s beating, he is a dangerous man. A lady who has turned out to be very valuable, has led us to some helpful, though tragic, information about Soon’s past that can help us reopen this case against him and the likes of him.”
“Reopen?” those were the first words that were somehow able to leave my mouth.
Detective Kim nodded firmly. “Right after we questioned you that time we came to your house, the case was suspiciously closed. Little did we know, Soon paid the D.A. a personal visit. Little did we know further, Soon and the D.A. are very good friends. With a couple of millions thrown in the mix, we were told not to deal with the case. Only the D.A. was quickly caught for being a part of an arson case that took place around Christmastime. We’re still trying to find out who else was responsible, but during that time the Assistant D.A. a relatively good man, helped us reopen this case. That’s when a woman came to us with some information that was rather helpful. I can’t talk extensively of what she helped us uncover, but we will reveal everything as soon as we have our right man. I will say this, there are some things about Soon, connected to you, that you rightfully need to know. But one day, it will all be revealed. Now Jaejoong, I want to ask you if you noticed anything strange about Soon while he brought you guys up.”
When I remained quiet because I was too stunned by what he was saying, Detective Kim progressed.
“You had to have noticed something. There had to have been some small give aways.”
Other than rumors, I couldn’t think of anything.
“We probably just never noticed because we were too busy focusing on our own lives,” I began. “Do you know what it takes to perfect a song? Or a dance number? Or hell, concerts, that’s what we’re known for. Concerts are another world in themselves. The outside world becomes nonexistent. Soon always had us focusing on our lives so much that we never really focused on his besides what was on the surface. We were ignorant of the world around us other than our careers and families.”
“Ignorance is bliss Jaejoong.”
“No. in this case, it’s caused us danger.”
Detective Kim sighed heavily and focused on his fingers idly tapping against the desk. “The woman who gave us information on Soon was very helpful. Without her, we probably wouldn’t have been able to find out anything.”
“Was she…”
“I can’t answer who she was right now, but you’ll find out soon enough.”
I nodded glumly, staring at the desk once again. Detective Kim was quiet a while. I got up and walked up to the only small window, a miniature display of a sky filled with angry clouds.
A light rain was falling.
“I know it must be hard for you. Wait, I take that back, I don’t know what it’s been like for you. Nobody knows what its like, to live under a microscope and not have a chance to live freely. But life is about choices. The choices you make now, down the most trivial of choices, will affect you in the future. Ignore the problem, it will grow in the dark until its too big to be hidden. Keep secrets, they will eventually come to light because life wasn’t made of secrets. Even this world that we were made of isn’t made of secrets, you just have to look real hard until you find what you’re looking for. Jaejoong, the answer is deep within you, of what the right thing to do should be, it’s there and you know it, you’re just not looking hard enough.”
I let Detective Kim’s words sink till they became one with my blood. Resting my forehead against the windowsill, I continuously stared at the light downpour of rain.
“The only problem is that when secrets are revealed, other things that you had found get lost…”
“Success is brought on by sacrifice. Sacrifices can’t be successful without pain. Pain is the gateway to success…”
The drizzle had altered into a steady, heavy rain like the gods had released trapdoors in the floors of heaven.
I gnawed on my inner lip, remembering a day that would be with me forever.
Before I knew it, I was talking out loud, telling a story in my life that hadn’t made it on biographies online or interviews in magazines.
This was yet another secret that was indeed coming to light.
“I was on the front steps of SM building. I was hugging my feet against the biting cold, teeth chattering, body quivering, fingers numb. I was drenched by the torrential rains that fell.
“I had just lost my job of the week as a shoe-shiner. I had no place to go for the night because my caretaker at the shop I used to work out kicked me out cause he found out his wife had a thing for me despite my pubescent years. I hadn’t done anything except for tell him the truth about her approaching me. If I’d known that would lead to my exile I would have kept my mouth shut.
He had a hell of a time beating down a young, defenseless boy to take out his frustrations on because of his unsatisfied wife. When he finally let me go, no matter how badly bruised I was, with an eye nearly swollen shut and a broken shoulder, I used what remaining limbs were available and run. I run. And run. Up until I saw a building that people often referred to the ‘Dream Come True Palace’ . I’d gone there a few times, but was always afraid to go in because I feared my voice and my looks weren’t good enough to get me anywhere, so I never tried.
“Then, as I sat there for a while, I lay my head on my knees and closed my eyes. And then I made a wish. I wished that my dreams would come true, my dreams of a painless life. I later learned that, for a short period of time, I found that in my fans. But only for a while. Loving them became such an obsession that pain warmed its way back into the equation somehow. As I laid my head to rest, I suddenly no longer felt rain drops hitting me hard. And for a while I thought the rain had stopped, but I knew that rain falling so hard one moment couldn’t completely stop at the next moment. When I raised my head, I looked at the man who would be my future manager, a future father figure in my life.” Pausing, I reflected on that day, remembering how my confused tears could no longer be masked by the rain. “Soon was the first person who saw my real tears of sadness, wanting to go home, wanting to be somewhere, anywhere, but where I was in life. He was holding an umbrella over me, and I remember him saying, ‘The first step is to dry your tears. The next is to take your first step without them’. And from that day, I went to SM headquarters everyday until I ranked up the courage to try out. Before even knowing me, Soon was the first person who believed in me. He welcomed me into his home. He took care of me.”
The room resorted to silence, save the steady pitter-patter of rain and distant rumble of thunder. Then, as the thunder neared, a flash of lightning finally snapped me out of my faraway thoughts.
It was almost like the lightning strike hit right on the nail—it uncovered the secret answer of what I should do.
Of what I’d been avoiding ever since that night when I first saw Soon for what he truly was.
And it hurt.
Damn, it hurt like the deep cut of a sharpened knife.
Refusing to let my emotions overwhelm me, I steeled myself, rotated from the window, and spoke to Detective Kim directly.
“I’ll tell you everything that I know. I don’t know anything about the gang, but I can tell you what I saw that night at the club.”
~0~0~0~
Déjà vu.
That was the only way I could describe what I was experiencing. Like the first time I raced through the white hospital halls blindly. I could barely breathe because I was holding my breath. My sweaty palms were being crushed by my fingers as I balled my hands into fists. I couldn’t see anything other than red. I couldn’t hear anything because my heart’s beats banged against my ear. I couldn't feel the numbness of my gloveless fingers and hatless head despite the freezing rain and threadbare shirt and jeans that I wore. Even if I could, I refused to allow myself to.
I refused to allow myself to do a lot of things. I refused to allow myself to be bothered by the paparazzi that were waiting at the hospital despite the frequent rainfall, gushing with excitement that they had a story to tell now that Mariam was hurt. Her pain was their gain. It added more spice to the stew they’d been brewing for the past forty-eight hours.
How this message got out, I didn’t know. I began not caring to figure out how the media found out about people’s private lives. They would cut off their left arms for the latest juicy news if they had to.
When I demanded to the nurse that she tell me where she was—she knew because Mariam was the only in-patient in the hospital—the nurse told me that I had to wait in the waiting room. They were still operating on her. When I heard that she was being operated on I nearly went off at the handle. First, because the beating was so bad that she had to have surgery. Second because I had to go to the waiting room and slowly drive myself insane as I waited.
The moment I stepped into the waiting room, the glum atmosphere hit me like a freight train. Mama flew out of her chair to me, throwing her arms around my shoulder to bawl on my shoulder. Naturally, my arms went around Mama’s shoulders and I hugged her back while staring at Seung, who was seated at the edge of his chair as though he was ready to leap out of it at any moment.
When our eyes locked and held, there was an unspoken message that didn’t quite make it through. I couldn’t tell if he was angry at me or just disappointed. I didn’t care either. Seeing him made me remember what I saw in those pictures. I wrested from his gaze before I could let my anger get the best of me.
Closing my hands around Mama’s arms, I pulled her back and examined her. She was overwrought and it was obvious that this entire situation was taking a huge toll on her.
“Mama it’s okay, it’s all going to be okay—“
“Man shut the fu*k up!” Seung suddenly roared, shooting up to his feet. Both Mama and I, taken aback, faced him.
I didn’t even bother asking him what was up. I just stood and waited for him to speak his piece.
“Five hours. Mariam gets hurt, and you show up five hours later?!” Seung grated as he ambled forward. His eyes were red-blood shot and his skin was paler than powder.
People usually underestimated me. My so-called ‘pretty face’ and ‘kind charm’ duped people into believing that I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. It made people think I was weak. Like DakHo, Seung was one of those people who thought they had me all figured out before they knew me.
“Don’t even try getting started with me. You don’t know me like that.”
“I’m glad I don’t. I wish Mariam never knew you either or none of this would’ve ever happened!” Seung’s voice arose as he spoke, bouncing off of the walls of the room.
I left Mama’s side and stepped up to him, at my wits end too with my hands balled into fists. “You don’t want to go there with me Seung!”
Seung took the last step that would have as neck to neck, nose to nose, and eye to eye with one another. I could tell that beneath his macho ambiance, he was surprised by my refusal to back down. People really didn’t know me, and I found that I was learning new things about myself too. My dark side wasn’t a side I often visited, but with the downward spiral that my life was taking, I wasn’t surprised.
“What the hell, do you think I’m scared of a punk like you?!” Seung countered.
“Who the hell are you calling me a punk—“
“Why did it take you so long to get here?! Were they the reason? Huh? Catering to the very people who hurt her? catering to your fans while Mariam is lying on her death bed.”
I shoved him away from my face, more so doing it to keep me from hitting him than doing it to aggravate him. Seung was already standing firm, so he didn’t fall back too far.
“Don’t you even think of bringing my fans into this! They wouldn’t do something like this!”
“Then who? That crazed manager of yours? You?!”
That’s when I lost it, but if it hadn’t been for a small voice, if it hadn’t been for those small voices calling out ‘appa’, who knows what I would have done?
I turned around to see my angels at the doorstep, nearly engulfed by hospital gowns that swept the sterile floors.
And like the camera work did magic on me, making me change at the flip of a coin, my children did the same for me. All the hatred and anger harbored in my soul drifted away, making room for an inexplicable feeling that made me feel good and bad all at once.
Rushing to them, I fell to my knees before them and wrapped them in my arms. Despite how tired they appeared, they wrapped their arms around me, hugging me at strongly as I could.
When I pulled back, I placed my either of my hands on each of their heads, examining them to make sure that they were okay. But seeing them in hospital gowns alarmed me.
"Wait, why are you guys wearing these?"
"Their other clothes were wet with melted snow. And since the room that they're staying in is pretty warm, I asked if they could be given something lighter and they were given these," Mama explained and I nodded, sighing inwardly with relief.
Their eyes were heavy and both had sleep lines along different parts of their faces. After kissing their foreheads and hugging them again, I pulled back to talk to them.
“Are you guys okay?” they both nodded mutely.
“Are you?” Hye asked quietly and I froze. I couldn’t remember hearing that question. Not from the guys or Yunho, because I think we all silently knew that this was of my doing and in some way I didn’t deserve to be asked that question. If I was asked that question then I couldn’t remember. People threw meaningful words left right and center everyday so that was why I couldn’t remember if I had been asked.
But hearing that question from my daughter took me to a whole other realm. It meant so much more.
“Yeah Appa, are you?” Jin, always the follower, joined in groggily.
I managed my first smile of the day—no matter how half-hearted—and hugged my kids again. “Appa’s fine.”
“How did you two find your way out of the room Nurse Haneul showed you?”
“We followed Appa’s voice. It was loud and bristly,” Jin said.
“Bristly? Where did you learn that word?” I asked him the unorthodox question even at a time like this. But like I said, Jin and that mind of his worked wonders.
“Umma,” Jin answered, his hazel eyes shimmering like he was about to cry. “Where’s Umma…”
“Umma’s fine. She’s getting some rest,” Seung interposed. “She wants you all to rest with her okay? She won’t be fully rested unless you guys rest too alright?”
To my surprised, Jin and Hye bought that, and I had to give it to Seung no matter how much I didn't like him that he had done good at quelling them. The kids went with ease but not without them begging me to tuck them in with goodnight stories. Hye in particular wanted me to sing for her.
Mama took me to ferry them to bed. The nurses had been kind enough to give them a room to stay in—a private room where they were being monitored by a pregnant nurse whom I learned was Nurse Haneul, who actually turned out to be Mama’s niece. She was to be at the hospital for a while and said she never minded watching the kids up until it was her time to leave.
Once Mama and I returned to the waiting room, the mood had shifted to a dull one again. The guys had wanted to join me, but there was so much to be taken care of at SM Entertainment media and with their families also. They told me that I should get to the hospital all the way outside of town as soon as possible—especially since Mariam and her mother lived outside Seoul. Detective Kim was kind enough to drop me off because he knew my situation of not being able to drive and was even kinder to do as he promised not probe the moment we stepped outside of the interrogation room.
The rest of DBSK promised to catch up with me as soon as possible. I apologized fervently for them having to be questioned, but they surprised me when they said the questioning had nothing to do with me really but Soon himself. I could feel their anger and frustration towards him and a part of me was comforted that I wasn’t facing this alone. They really regretted being unable to come with me right away but I told them that as long as I had their thoughts then that was enough.
Returning to the waiting room reminded me of Seung’s uncalled for reproaches that maybe I was behind Mariam’s beating. Nothing enraged me more. Wait, something did. Him accusing my fans.
How dare he cross that line?
After seeing those pictures offered by Detective Kim, I was more than certain who it was.
I refused to allow myself to think about it or else I would explode.
Once Mama and I were seated, Seung and I faced off from opposite ends of the room, the tension making the air crackle.
“Now, the two of you need to listen to me and listen well. We aren’t here to show who is the toughest and strongest. We are here for the sake of Mariam and her kids. You may not like each other, but in my presence and the kid’s and even with Mariam’s presence in this hospital, you will learn to tolerate each other. If you find that too impossible for your egos, I will force both of you to leave.”
Like we could tell Mama, and nice elderly lady that we weren’t going anywhere no matter what she said—yeah right.
So Seung and I glanced at each other one last time, the contempt still there. But there was an understanding. Not a truce. Just an understanding that not biting each other’s heads off was temporary.
Then when Soon’s words crossed my mind that Mariam was carrying his child, I quickly turned away from him as thorny vines twined around my insides.
We waited.
And waited.
And waited.
The moment I saw the hem of the doctor slowly walking into the room in blue-green scrubs, I shot up to my feet, nearly running up to him. Seung got up at the same time but that was the least bit of my worries.
“Doctor, how is she?”
“The surgery went successfully. Although we found—“the doctor stopped speaking suddenly when a short nurse poked his shoulder and made him turn around. Murmuring some doctor dialect that I didn’t understand as she pointed at a clipboard that she was holding, the doctor suddenly regarded us questionably, averting his gaze from Seung, to me, and later to Mama who had joined us where we stood.
“I’m sorry but, who is Shin Seung Lee?” he asked us.
“I am,” Seung announced proudly and I did all I could not to roll my eyes.
“Shin Chin Mae’s son right?” He said with more familiarity in his tone and when Seung nodded in agreement, the doctor pulled him aside out of hearing distance.
“What’s going on?” I asked the nurse in confusion. “How is she doing?”
The nurse looked at us with wide eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry but I can’t give you that information.”
“What?! Why not?!” I barked at her impatiently, looking over her shoulder at Seung as the doctor spoke to him at length. They seemed to be deep in conversation. My gut told me he was being given the information. That only infuriated me more.
“Because you weren’t put as a confidant for any of the medical information released for this patient,” she said. Too stumped for words, I said nothing while Mama intervened.
“Well, could you tell me at least? I’m her mother. Kim Min-Jee,” Mama said.
The tiny nurse frowned. “I’m sorry, but you’re not on there either.”
“What?!” Both Mama and I resounded in a confluence of confusion and shock.
“Can’t you at least check without answering so quick?” I jumped at the accusations quickly.
Her frown deepened just when I thought that it couldn’t.
“There’s only one person on that list. The only person she put as a contact that we could release her medical information to was Seung hyung. Under the Patient’s Right’s Privacy and Confidentiality Laws, we cannot release any information of her status to anyone other than Mr. Chin.”
“But I’m her mother!” Mama retorted, pointing at me before furthering her retort. “He is the father of her children!”
Already knowing where this was headed, I slumped weakly against the wall; my hands were jammed in my pockets as I stared at the florescent lighted ceiling and heard the nurse’s commiserating tone when she spoke again.
“I’m sorry, but we cannot reveal details of her situation to either of you. Under the law, and based on what she signed, you all don’t have the right to know.”
~0~0~0~
My temper was unhinged when I barged through Soon’s office. He was alone, standing by the window, smoking a cigar with one hand pocketed. I didn’t wait. I didn’t stop. All I could see were those pictures. All I could see were my kids. All I could see was my anger…towards Mariam. All I could feel was my anger to myself for letting this whole thing get far and hurt my fans in the process.
Soon turned to look over at me, but turned away with affected nonchalance while he continuously smoked. He was probably used to seeing me angry, but I bet he wasn’t used to me stamping a hand hard on his shoulder, jerking him around, and plowing him in the face. A guttural groan shuttled out of me as I laid the punch smack dab on his nose.
Caught off guard, Soon’s cigarette went flying as his legs gave to the rich, sea green carpeted floor that he prized so much. I bet he was going to love having his blood smeared on it. He liked to mark his belongings anyway.
“Why?!” I bellowed as I punched him again. When he fell weakly, I caught a fistful of his blazer’s collar with one hand, using my other to carry out the punches.
Thinking about all those years of lies, thinking about all those years of pain and deceit, thinking about the good person that he had been, I started throwing a plethora of punches.
I didn’t care that when I heard a crackling and felt a crack that a sharp pain shot from my knuckles up to my wrist.
“How does it feel Soon?! How does it feel to be caught off guard huh?! To be beaten until you can’t fu*king breathe?! Do you know that they said she’s lucky to be alive?!?!?! Do you know that?”
“Jae—Jae—wait—I—I didn’t—“
“What the hell did Mariam ever do to you?! HUH?! What did she do?!?! Why the fu*k would you do this to her?!?!?! You ruined me! You ruined us! You ruined DBSK!”
“I made you!” Soon managed to spit, blood spurting from his twisted lips, trying to cover his face with his arms crossed above him. At that moment, I heard my name being yelped in the background before my arms and the back of my shirt started to be grabbed at. But I never let them take me away.
I had to get this out. I had to take this out on someone other than myself…
“I hate you!” I screamed as I struck him, ignoring the fleeting look of hurt on his face.
Ignoring the fleeting look of hurt on his face.
Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored it.
But when you snap, you don’t really think about paying attention to anything other than exercising your anger now do you?
“Jae—wait—I’m—s-s-s-s-sorry—you—My son! My son!“
I hit him harder. Because it hurt. It hurt so much.
“To—think—I once wished—you were my father…I hate you! I hate you—“
“B-B-But I a-a-am. Jae I’m your—“
“Jaejoong stop it!” someone who sounded like Yunho, warned from behind. I pulled at Soon’s collar upwards, making his head dangle backwards and swing up like a moving yoyo.
“If I find out that you’re the one who hurt her, I’ll kill you,” I seethed.
Even with all his apparent pain, a crooked smirk formed on Soon’s bloody lips as he struggled to lift his head to look at me through heavily lidded eyes. “You and I both know that you wouldn’t dare do that. You're not strong enough...”
White hot rage streaked through me as a number of hands successfully ripped my fists from Soon’s collar before I could cause any more damage because of his words. And how true that they were.
I fought back, only to be slammed up against the nearby wall by Yunho and Yoochun. Changmin and Junsu watched in horror standing in between us and a fallen Soon.
All of us were out of breath.
“Jaejoong, it wasn’t Soon who hurt Mariam!”
Fuming, I glared at Yunho, wondering why he wouldn’t just let me finish Soon off with my own bare hands. Was he still protecting him? Did he still feel that sense of obligation?
“I saw the pictures of the beatings! It only makes sense! Who the hell else could it be?! Who else would do something so f*cking sick?!” I asked in frustration, wriggling to charge at Soon only for Yunho and Yoochun to press me against the wall harder. Panting heavily, Yoochun looked over at Yunho as if asking him to answer.
Letting go of me slowly, Yunho stepped back, looking crestfallen as ever.
“Our fans.”
Time stopped.
Life did, for me, at that moment.
“It's all over the news right now. A group of fans just turned themselves in. They did it Jaejoong. Some of our fans admitted to hurting your Mariam.”