| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
thanks everyone else for reading and Rachetto it's ok lol thank you for letting me know at least i appreciate it wholeheartedly =).
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Jaejoong
“How stupid could you be?”
The baseball cap that I wore was pulled so low over my head that I was sure the person sitting across from me couldn’t see my eyes. That’s how I wanted it anyway.
I was slumped in the seat with my temple against my furled hand, being chastised like I was a little boy. A very riled Soon was seated rigidly in his office chair. His features were hardened like dried gravel, making his displeasure screamingly apparent.
“How could you let something like this happen when promotion was right around the corner?”
Promotion. Everything was just about money to him. Everything was so mechanical, robotic. He was a true businessman. I had to give him that. My gaze shifted from him to the window. Silver threads of rain raced from the sky to the earth. I wanted to go through that window and soar in the rain—the rain that fell freely whenever it pleased. The inhibited rain that washed away the binding heat.
I wanted to be like rain. To be free and purposeful.
But I was like a bruised, caged animal. Wasteful and imprisoned by my own self and the world that I had willingly plunged myself into.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you.” Soon demanded, but I didn’t oblige. To be honest, I just didn’t care.
“It’s her, isn’t it?” he asked.
Soon being very manipulative always knew how to get what he wanted. And he knew that his question would make me look at him. My bland expression remained unchanged. The case of Mariam between Soon and I had long since buried. Once we had dealt with the issue, it was never spoke of again for many reasons. One, I would get so angry to the point where I’d forget Soon was my elder and speak with the fury I felt, ready to hit him at any second. Respect being very important in my culture, that just wasn’t a good look for me so I steered clear of that conversation so as to not get myself in trouble. Another reason was that it would spark up threats of me being dropped and replaced for someone else.
Back then, and the very reason why I had left Mariam, I had been a coward. I didn’t want to lose this ‘perfect’ life. I had truly believed that I needed Soon more than he needed me. But now I knew better.
I was one of his greatest assets. The numbers showed that. He needed me just as much as I had once needed him—in fact, he needed me more. At least that’s what I lead myself to believe.
I had forced myself to accept this life that I lived not only because it was the only life I knew but also because I had no other choice. I was still bound under the ten year contract which wouldn’t be over until three more years.
In the past year, I’d grown a lot, meaning I had started to look beneath what was on the surface. I had started to look beyond the paid for vacations or the free gifts we received as rewards for our hard work.
I was anything but greedy, but I started to look at the financial factor of things. Some things weren’t adding up, but I had kept my words in tact because I hadn’t really even had time to worry about that. Everytime I turned my head there was another photo shoot, another video shoot, another tv show, or another concert to take part in.
In my growth though, I had learned that in our contract, LN Entertainment paid for us to get an education. Utilizing this opportunity, I was hired my own personal tutor who helped me finish highschool. The pace was grueling because I did all this while working a practical twenty-four hour schedule. At first Soon had been a bit iffy about that because he feared it would hinder my performance. But even he couldn’t let entertaining turn down the opportunity of me getting an education—where I came from, academics was almost more important than breathing.
With highschool out of the way I was readying myself for university, but didn’t know how that would work when Soon had just recently told us that we were to release a new album by the time spring was done. He’d spontaneously come up with the idea to release a remix album, which is why he wanted us to start promoting it as soon as the holidays were over. It didn’t matter that we were a week away from Christmas. Sure, we might get Christmas day off, but be back on that bus the very next day.
Needless to say, I was exhausted.
Right now I was under fire for last night’s activities. The hangover I suffered was a killer and it didn’t help that I was getting lectured by someone who loved to talk a lot.
I had only managed two hours of sleep before I finally gave up and stayed awake, drinking as much water as possible to douse a hangover. That had proved pointless.
“It is, isn’t it? You’ve started to see her again? Is this why you’re drinking?”
Years ago I would’ve cowered beneath Soon’s intimidating black eyes. But now I felt the need to laugh. Once upon a time he scared me into telling him what he wanted to hear.
My soul had been wrung out so much I didn’t have the energy to fear anybody.
“I don’t know Soon. Why don’t you tell me?” Soon cut his eyes at me, obviously surprised by my words so I continued, “You probably have someone stalking me every hour of everyday so you should know.”
Our eyes locked and held for several moments before Soon started chuckling softly. Straightening his jacket, he quietly sat forward with his hands folded in front of him.
“If that’s what you want, if that will get you to act accordingly, then that’s what you’re going to get.”
Not really taking what he said into consideration I sighed, shifted to my other side and rested my chin on my thumb with my furled hand before my lips. I continuously looked out the window.
“Not only will you be appointed a personal assistant who will be with you every hour of every day. But because you have been irresponsible and show no remorse, you will also be suspended from any activities with DBSK for the next two and a half months.”
I’d reacted like I’d just sustained a massive blow to the head. My eyes nearly bulged out of my head as my slumped body suddenly became rigid and my limb spine suddenly shot ramrod straight.
“Huh?” I asked in shock as I sat up, “What?”
The no-nonsense look on Soon’s face showed me that he wasn’t all fun and games. He was dead serious.
Now it was his turn to resume an authoritative yet laid back demeanor as he sat back in his chair with his fingers knitted over his stomach.
“You heard me.”
Soon could be your best friend when you weren’t closed up in these walls. When you didn’t talk about business, he could be the best guy in the world. Like I said, I saw him as my father sometimes.
But when business came to business, he didn’t let emotions stand in his way. He let nothing, absolutely nothing come in between him and his money.
“What do you mean? Why do I have to get suspended? The police station already prohibited me from driving for one hundred days. Isn’t that enough? They took my license.”
“You rarely drive anyway. You’re always carried around by drivers—“
“But why do I have to be suspended? I don’t understand that.”
Soon let out a long suffering sigh, dropping his eyes to the table before he spoke again, “Do you understand that your image is your career?”
When I didn’t respond, feeling a tightening in my jaw as I clenched it, Soon glanced up at me.
“This is the harsh reality Jaejoong, you are your image. What you look like comes even before your talent. By what you look like, I don’t mean your perfect nose or eyes. That’s fifty percent of what you look like. The other fifty is what you do and say.
“I’m sorry but this isn’t the United States where bad behavior is praised. This society of ours thrives on purity. Now, you tell me how driving while drunk is pure. Tell me how that will be received by families of victims that died as a result of a drunken person being behind the wheel. Now when you think about that, tell me about those fans who have lost someone due to someone driving while drunk.
“It may not seem like a big deal to you, to a regular person, this might not seem like a big deal. But you’re not a regular person Jaejoong. You’re a star. You can’t even walk with regular people now because you’re on a pedestal that can’t be touched. You can’t do things like this because it tarnishes your image. And your image, is what keeps you at the top. That’s why you have to be on at all times. By on, I mean you have to behave perfectly. Perfection has been the key to your success.”
The words coming out of Soon’s words assailed me hard. They didn’t surprise me, but they hit me nonetheless. Not because I thought he was right, but because at times I couldn’t believe the guy or some of the heads in this record label.
I was not perfect—that was a given. And the pressures to be perfect were starting to get to me. Why else did he think this sudden rebellious streak had risen?
But that was beside the point. What really struck me among the cluster of words he’d said was his comment about my fans. Apart from my family, they were the only other people that had been running through my mind ever since I’d sobered up and realized what had happened.
I knew that I had disappointed them, and for that I was sorry.
Once again, Soon had somehow managed to turn the tables and make me the miscreant of this world.
“There’s a TV Show to do in two days. You’re not going to show up because I know these talk show hosts like ratings, and the arrest is all that they’ll talk about during the whole show. We can’t have that. There’s a string of promotional activities that are slated for you, but you can’t attend for obvious reasons.”
“And so what am I supposed to do for two and a half months?” I asked.
Soon simply shrugged.
“What do you mean?” I asked in surprise. The last time Soon had negligently shrugged was…never.
“I mean that what you do between now and the time you come back is completely up to you.” He said.
But no, I knew something was up. This was too easy. Almost too easy.
And that was the got damn problem.
“You can’t do this.” I murmured softly.
“I just did.”
“But what about the shows for the remix album? What about the fans that paid to see all five of us—“
“Now those are things that you should’ve thought of before you got behind the wheel drunk, right?”
I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, hands out in imploration, “Soon please. I can’t not do anything for two months. That will mean the other guys will have to work extra hard to fill in for me.”
“Another thing you should have thought of before you acted.”
Stunned, I stared at Soon for several moments.
“This won’t happen again.”
“You’re right. It wont.” He said levelly and I nearly gaped. He was really serious. The man who only gave us one very short vacation a year was telling me that I was jobless for two and a half months.
It was as I looked into his eyes that I really realized what all of this was about.
Guilt.
He knew that I would feel it. He knew that it would burn and smolder deep within my soul unable to be extinguished. He knew that without anything to keep my mind off of my carelessness, the only time I’d have was to ruminate over what I had done—with a personal assistant who’d tail and program my every move in tow. That meant he was testing me, to see how I would behave, what I would do, who I would see these coming months.
Soon was really good at planning ahead. I hadn’t seen this coming and he had got me right where he wanted.
“I’ll hire a driver to take you where you need to go. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some business matters to take care of.”
When I simply sat there, numbed by shock, he raised his brows, “Is there something you want to ask? You know I always told you boys never to fear asking me anything.”
Boys. He still called us boys when we were men.
Unable to come up with anything to say, I shook my head mutely while rising to my feet.
I walked blindly out of his office and right when I reached the door he called my name. I turned around with my head held low so that I wouldn’t look at him. Looking at him would make me too angry.
“Don’t do anything stupid.” Those were Soon’s departing words before I heard him flipping through pages.
After nodding dutifully, I quietly left the room, soundlessly closing the door behind me. With my hands embedded deep within my pockets, I walked with my head down, wondering what I was going to tell my fans, family, and band mates.
Four years ago, I would’ve simply called Mariam and she would have let me know that everything was okay.
But hey, nothing lasts forever.
“Jaejoong oppa! Jaejoong oppa!” the desperate calling of my name rang throughout the hallway as I brooded on my way to I don’t even know where.
It was only when I saw the small figure before me jump in fright that I realized I had an expression on my face that I was certain looked like a man set to kill. I could tell by the rigidity of my face, like it was being cramped up by four walls. Slowly, I relaxed my features even though my brows were still drawn close together.
Noting that I had never seen this girl before, I predicted that she was a fan. Despite the high-tech security and security guards sprawled all over the LN headquarters, fans were still handy enough to find their way in sometimes. At times I thought our fans were geniuses cause I couldn’t fathom how they came about doing some of the things they did.
I didn’t want to be rude but at the same time I didn’t want to deal with the overzealous fans that sometimes groped and pulled trying to get a piece of you. Regretting my actions, I simply gave a stiff wave before hurriedly walking off.
“Jaejoong please wait! Mariam—she’s in the hospital! It’s serious!’
My feet came to a screeching halt at the sound of name I often never heard from anyone’s lips other than my own. My heart resurrected from the dead as an indescribable feeling cascaded from the tips of my toes to my hair follicles.
I whipped around to find that the pleading young girl had stopped before me, her eyes on the brink of tearing. At first, I wanted to know how she knew Mariam. Telling me about her was testament that she already knew about us. Most people in the camp knew about her but not her name. I started to feel sick to my stomach not only because of all the confusion but because her words of her being in the hospital still echoed in my mind.
Before I could get the first word in she began, “She passed out yesterday and they say her condition is serious. I came here to get some of my paperwork since I wont be in today and I saw you as I was going to O's office to let him know. I-I th-thought you should know.”
The more she talked, the more familiar her face became, but I had to put framing her in the back burner.
She had mentioned Mariam.
And she had mentioned a hospital.
There were far more important things to attest to.
“W-what hospital?” I managed to stutter, a dreadful feeling creeping up within me. I'd already broken out in a sweat.
“Seoul National University Bundang Hospital.” She said a hundred miles a minute.
Without thinking, I broke into a run and started heading for the elevator.
“Jaejoong oppa! Wait! You can’t drive yet!”
It wasn't surprising that she knew. The whole of South Korea knew that I'd been stopped for driving under the influence and that I wouldn't be able to drive for a while. We already knew that before the hearing at court was already set.
The halting words made me turn around to find the nameless girl rushing over to me. Behind her stood Soon, who had just stepped out of his office.
Our eyes had mistakenly collided and I found myself wondering how long he’d been standing there. I can’t even lie. A sliver of fear went through me. He had catlike reflexes and the instincts of a blind bat. It was creepy sometimes.
“I’ll take you in my car. The ambulance took her in last night and I’d been there the entire time. When I heard you’d been brought back for a meeting I came as soon as I could when you didn’t answer your phone—“ the girl stopped herself short when I didn’t make eye contact with her. My eyes were still trained on Soon who returned my gaze testily.
From my peripheral vision I saw her turn around to see what I was looking at.
“Look, if you can’t make it it’s fine. But I just thought that you should know.”
By the cantankerous look on his face I knew that he was asking me, daring me to do something stupid.
Which is exactly what I did, only to me it wasn’t even stupid. I wasn’t even trying to be noble.
I just had to go to her. It was as simple as that.
When I heard footsteps thumping against the refurbished floors I tore my eyes away from Soon to her retreating back, “You’re not lying to me are you?” I asked this stranger and she turned around to me, a tear nearly creeping the crease of her eye, “Are you serious?! My bestfriend could die! This isn’t something to joke about! I don’t care if you come or not. She’s probably right about you. You’re probably good for nothing selfish son of a gun. Don’t bother.”
She turned around and started for the elevator.
I was caught in the middle.
On one side of me was the possible news of a long lost love of mine suffering. On the other side of me was the man responsible for giving me a life when all was lost.
Raising my head slowly, I gave Soon one last look, never tearing my eyes away from him as I spoke, “Wait!”
I heard her footsteps stop as I saw Soon shifting in his stance. Giving him an apologetic look, I turned around and made my way to the girl, hoping that all of this hadn’t been some machination by Soon. As crazy as it sounds, he was determined enough to do that. Nothing had stopped him from creating a faux tabloid story about Mariam and I just to scare me out of seeing her anymore.
This could possibly be the end of my membership with DBSK, but on behalf of Mariam, this was a life and death situation—if it was true.
As I rushed to the anonymous lady, my heart rattled desperately against my chest as if to pressure me to go and save Mariam before it was too late...
Even though the unnerving remembrance of her words that I could be the death of her crossed my mind.