| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Also I don’t know how quick the last chapters of this story will come since school has already caught up with me (I start Friday then my new doctor told me I might STILL have to get surgery ughhhhhhhh!!!)
After this I think there are only 3 chapters left, 4 at the most.
Thank you everyone for reading and for all your in depth comments (omg whether long or short thank you sooooo much I don’t even know how to express my thanks!) They make me feel sooooo good make me happier when I’m happy and happy when I’m sad you just don’t know. You all give me so much courage and happiness and I thank you very very much. I’m too exhausted to give personal comment responses but I will fairly soon…
PS--I had Love in the Ice on rotation while reading this lol and it made me cry for stupid reasons smh
~0~0~0~
Chapter 40
~0~0~0~
Flashback
~0~0~0~
Mariam
...“This is weird…” I said on the phone, huddled under the warm comforter of my king-sized bed, wishing he was there beside me. “Who are all those in the background?”
“Fans. They’re stalking me. I’m walking to my car. At least I’m trying to.”
“Oh my gosh Jaejoong! They don’t even know that you’re talking to me!”
“Ironic, huh?”
“I feel guilty…”
“Don’t…”
“I want you to come back. I miss you so much.”
He was silent a moment. “Sorry. They’re really listening to what I’m saying. I don’t want to say anything…suspicious…but you know what I…how I…”
“Yeah. It’s fine. You don’t have to say it.” Ouch. That hurt for some reason.
“When are you coming back?”I asked promptly. What I was asking was really a test. At test to see whether he’d keep his promise or not.
“Uh…I really don’t know…”
I guess promises are made to be broken.
“You said next week…”
“I’m sorry. We have to go for a meeting regarding the new album—“
“You promised…” my voice was getting tight. There was a bitter knot lodged there. I was trying not to get angry.
“I know, but it can’t be helped.”
It can, I said to myself. You just don’t want to help it.
“Do you love them more than me?”
“Huh?”
My question was rude. It was selfish. But I asked it anyway because I was hurt. I had been looking forward to seeing him after four months of nothing.
“Do you love your fans more than me?”
“Really, you want to get into that now?” I could tell somewhere deep inside the smooth, calm voice of his that he was getting irritated.
“I’m sorry I’m just frustrated—“
“You’re frustrated? What about me? There’s nearly twenty girls following me right now. I called to check up on you—“
“No Jae. You were just returning my calls. I’ve been calling you—“
“I can’t do this right now Mimi. There’s too much going on. They’re listening too closely. I’ll have to talk to you when I have time.”
He was right. There was a lot going on. He was still dealing with a man who had suspiciously shown up, claiming to be his father. Up until that point Jaejoong never knew that he’d been adopted. His birth mother also stepped into the picture, proclaiming her motherhood. I had always been there for him throughout the ordeal, even when the case was dropped, but I could tell that it all still bothered him a great deal. Even then, Jaejoong’s issues, from concerts, to travelling, to family issues, all seemed to overshadow mine. I became some sort of a therapist for him. It was becoming a one-sided relationship. I always listened to him. I kept my mouth shut about my feelings for his absence. I always gave him words of encouragement when he called me in dire need of some.
I never asked Jaejoong for anything.
Other than his time.
“Wait Jae!”
“What?” he asked impatiently.
I love you, is what I wanted to say.
“Look Mimi, we’ll finish this argument later. I can’t talk now—“
“I didn’t want to argue—Wait! I just wanted to say that I—“
I was already too late.
He had cut me off.
I figured, since I had never told him those words before, then maybe now wasn't exactly the right time to tell him, so I kept my mouth shut.
I still get confused with whether it's better to wear your heart on your sleeve or forever hold your peace.
Either way, you get hurt in the end.
~0~0~0~
1 Month Later
We had talked it out. And we had made up of course. He even gave me the promise that I could attend an event of his where he was going to introduce me to everyone. He had said that he was going to let the world know who he really was with. He had told me that I was no longer going to be a secret.
I was staying in the U.S. when my relationship with Jaejoong’s was at its peak, so he was coming to get me so that we could leave together. The event was in Tokyo, Japan. I was so excited. Japan was yet another part of my background and since I didn’t get to go there often, I was more than excited to visit another place that I called home.
I was also excited to meet Jaejoong’s friends, band mates, and the great man Lee Soon Yong. I had heard many great things about him and the LN Empire that he was making. I had such high hopes. I thought I was going to join an already big, close-knit family. I was especially curious about meeting the famed superstar BoA because I had heard recent rumors that she and Jaejoong were dating. Not only that, but I knew for a fact that they were inseparably close.
I was so nervous I felt like I was attending my first night of prom.
When Jaejoong had arrived, he’d been painfully quiet, but I temporarily ignored that. Showing him where to sit, I rushed for my belongings. He had tried to say something but I’d told him to hold on until I got my bags.
Once I came back out, I found that he was no longer seated, his hands in his pockets and his head low.
That was a posture I was all too familiar with. When he finally looked up, we both shared a look that said something bad was about to go down.
And we both knew what.
The apologetic coloring of his eyes made me shake my head vehemently and plaster a smile on my face.
“Okay, I’m ready,” I remember saying to him while dragging my luggage along.
Jaejoong sighed, eying me guiltily. “Mariam—“
“Oh! I forgot to ask, are you hungry? Do you need something to eat?”
“Mariam we can’t—“
Ignoring him, I set my bags down, swept to the kitchen and began tinkering with the pots and pans. He followed.
I was nervous. I was getting scared.
He was going to leave me.
Again.
It happened all the time, but I never got used to it.
No matter how many times a person gets cut, the wound always stings.
“Mariam, stop—“
“We should eat before you go,” I said hastily.
“Mariam, we’re not going anywhere—“
“I took my two week vacation just so that I can be with you. We’re going.”
Ignoring him, I started to pull things out form the refrigerator and setting them on the counter. Then I got out the chopping board.
“I thought about it long and hard. I don’t think we should go. The timing isn’t right. I don’t think my manager or the guys will be ready for something like this. I think we should just wait it out and see how things fare first.”
I ignored Jaejoong and continued trying to make something out of what I was cooking. Then when I felt his hands on my shoulders as he turned me around I slapped them off to glare at him. I wondered if he was embarrassed of me or something. Would I not fit into that starstudded Kpop mold? Maybe I wasn’t skinny enough? Or maybe because I wasn’t a full blooded Korean then I would be ousted?
“Don’t do this to me Jaejoong…” my voice was shaky as the need to cry rushed.
“I’m sorry—“
“Don’t you dare apologize too! I was looking forward to this!”
“I’m sorry…”
“You think it’s going to be solved that easy?! Well don’t get too freaking stupid Jaejoong! I’m not one of those people who let you get away with everything.”
He finally looked up. “Those people?”
“You know what I’m talking about—“
“Apparently you think I’m too stupid so could you elaborate for me?”
“Your fans think you guys can do no wrong. That’s not me.”
“Look it’s one thing to talk about me, but it’s another to talk about my fans. Do not bring them into this…”
He was unnaturally fired up, and I was unnaturally hurt. I never let anyone get to me like this.
Never.
So what was wrong with me?
What was happening to me?
“I don’t have to. They’re already in this. And you wanna know why? Because you let them!”
“So do you want out?” Jaejoong asked me pointedly, thoroughly fed up with the entire situation.
I bit my lip and turned away from him.
I didn’t want out. No matter how much it hurt, I didn’t want out.
Pulling at the sleeve of my shirt, I looked up at Jaejoong reluctantly. “And what’s this I hear about you and BoA.”
He started to walk off. “I’m done—“
“You guys are always together!”
He whirled around, his hand gesticulation showing how irate he was. “She’s one of my best friends! If you can’t deal with it, let me know and I’ll let you go!”
“You act like I’m the only one doing the ‘not letting go’ in this partnership.”
We stared at each other long and hard before Jaejoong sighed heavily, combing his fingers through his hair as he walked towards the window.
“I have a lot going on in my life right now as I’m sure you have your own issues. It’s obvious that this isn’t working and isn’t going anywhere. I say we just take a short break.”
My heart broke.
Jaejoong snatched his jacket off the sofa and started to storm out of my house. I was hot on his trail. I followed him out of my parent’s house in the States, followed him out into the parking lot where he mounted his bike and fixed his helmet on.
“You know why you can’t stand it when I talk about your fans and your career?! Because you can’t handle the truth! I tell you the truth and you can’t deal with it! Nobody else but me tells you the things that you don’t want to hear and you always run to them because they tell you what you want to hear! The very fans who have made you will one day break you if you keep letting them run your life Jaejoong!”
Jaejoong had already left the echoes of his bike in his wake, thus leaving me to cry my own tears.
The patrol officer who usually made rounds throughout the neighborhood wheeled to a stop before me. Just as I turned away, he asked me if I was okay.
I muttered an unconvincing ‘yes’ before rushing for the house.
~0~0~0~
1 Month Later…
“Look at you,” My mother looked at me and my disheveled state disapprovingly. “You look a mess Mariam. I think you need to stop dating this guy. All he does is give you stress.”
These were the days when my mother was not fond of Jaejoong. His superstar status did nothing to make her like him. My father, on the other hand, who had only met him twice, thought the world of him.
I plopped heavily onto a chair in the kitchen dining table. Back then, I lived with my parents while finishing up my last year of college and starting up my work at the company where I worked. We still lived in the US at that time and was going to move back to South Korea soon as I graduated.
“Ma that’s not true. He makes me happy…”
She turned from the stove to me, eying me disbelievingly. “Then why are you frowning?”
My mother’s question made my lips pull into a deeper frown as my eyes became afflicted.
My mother sighed as I turned away from her, trying darnest not to cry.
“He broke up with me again,” I explained.
“And you’re surprised? How many times are you guys going to break up?”
I cut my eyes at her. “It was my fault. I kept…bothering him about his fans. I don’t know. I can’t compete with them—“
“What did I tell you about comparing yourself to others?” My mother sassed and I was silenced.
Lowering the heat of whatever she was cooking, my mother came and sat across from me on the dinner table.
“Mariam, have you ever stopped to think that maybe you and Jaejoong just weren’t meant to be?”
I had thought about it, but since the thought hurt like the cut of a knife, I tried not to entertain such thoughts on the regular.
“Honey, you and him break up every other week. Once he hears you’re dating another guy, he panics and practically breaks his back getting the next flight to America. Once you hear a rumor that he’s dating someone else, you call him back. Then you guys get together. Then the cycle begins again. You two need to come to terms or else it’s going to come back to haunt you in the future. That’s what happened with me and your father. Yes, we loved each other, but even when we knew circumstances wouldn’t let us be together, we kept on, and it came back to haunt us. I don’t want the same to happen to you dear. And you’re too young. You’re giving up yourself to him too much when to me he’s not doing the same. I may not agree with how he makes you feel, but he’s being a bit practical. He’s thinking about his career. You say he’s always thinking about his fans, but his fans are his career. What you should be thinking about now is your career too, not slaving over your emotions. I made the same mistake and look at me now.”
I buried my eyes into the heels of my hands. “I don’t want to talk about this—“
“You have become lazy. You’re always moping around. You’re always wanting sympathy now. This isn’t the Mariam that I brought up. I taught you to be strong and never let another man take over your emotions.”
“I can’t help it Mama!” I tried to explain to the best of my ability.
I sounded just like him when he talked about them.
“You can help it. You’re just too cowardly to let go of him. Sweetheart, I know that love is a strong and damn near unbearable thing, but you have to try and smart it out. Love doesn’t make fools, it plays fools. For your sake and his, the both of you need to stop thinking with emotions and use your heads for once. This is not a healthy relationship. The type of depression you’ve slipped into is dangerous. You’re losing weight, your hair is falling, and you’re not being attentive at work. You have met some very nice, capable men, but you keep passing them up for one who you see probably three times every six months. The two of you need to come to a solid solution because if you don’t, one day everything will spin out of control and be out of your hands, and then what will you guys do?”
I should have listened to my mother while it was still early.
~0~0~0~
2 Months Later
The club was pumping with loud music and dancing bodies. Sweat, cologne, and perfume reeked. My fingers were wrapped around a beer bottle as I swayed.
Everyone was having a good time. Everyone but me. I played it off well though.
I forced myself to have the time of my life. F*ck I thought. I was happy before him and I would be happy after him.
Life was not Kim Jaejoong and that was what I would convince myself until I believed it.
A guy I knew in college was the one I was dancing with. Our bodies rubbed suggestively together, him standing behind me, with my back to his front. I usually didn’t party, but I needed something to get that annoying cow out of my mind.
I even closed my eyes, blocking the crazy aura out, trying to let myself get lost in the heavy music and alcohol. I had just started drinking and was not fully intoxicated but I planned on it that night.
It was all fine and great up until I started to be dragged in one way after the beer bottle was torn from my grip. When my eyes flew open I let out a scream that voiced my surprise.
“What the f*ck?! What are you doing here?!” Jaejoong was leading me the other way. When I looked the other way I saw the guy that I had come with glance at us in confusion before he grabbed a hold of my other hand and stopped me.
Jaejoong, unknowing that I had been stopped, continued going the other way. For a split second I felt like I was about to be ripped apart with different guys pulling me in opposite directions.
When he jolted because the other guy wouldn’t let me go, he turned around.
“Let go of my girl,” the guy I had come with told him in English as he tried to draw him to me.
Jaejoong was not having it and pulled me closer to his side with his gloved hand. I still wasn’t sure how Jaejoong handled himself in scuffles. For all I knew he was a pretty boy who didn’t know how to punch even if faced with the problem.
But that night I got my first view of the real Jaejoong. I got to see a side of him that most people never saw in their lifetime.
“Plain stupid or just really stupidly bold to step over that line with me?” He asked in Korean as he walked up to the guy and I watched in an awe I couldn’t tamper down or downplay in any form. I was shocked and glad that since we were in the States no one was familiar with Jaejoong’s identity or else this would’ve all been in the papers. Then again, word spread around somehow and I wanted to avoid any confrontation as much as possible yet I couldn’t help but step into the backdrop and watch this all enfold.
“Huh?” the guy’s face scrunched up in confusion. I didn’t know if it was a plus or a minus that the guy I’d been hanging out with that night was from South Korea, here for college. I kind of wished he wasn’t so that he and Jaejoong wouldn’t have any type of interaction. This was one time when I thought a language barrier would be advantageous and Jaejoong already seemed to know he was Korean just by looking at him because he readily spoke to him in our mothertongue. “What the f*ck is a pretty boy like you going to do?” the other guy continued. “You can’t do sh*t. I don’t know who you are or where you came from but you need to leave.”
“Trying me like that is going to get you in some trouble that you don’t even want to f*ck with,” Jaejoong said firmly and just as the other guy stepped up to him calling him derogatory names I stepped in between with a shaky smile, facing the guy who had to be a foot taller than Jaejoong.
“Uh, I’m sorry but well, this is my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend sorry. I told you earlier, no strings attached right?” we had discussed this before we started hanging out about two weeks ago. We were just going to be hanging out. He had tried to get in my pants during that period but since I didn’t let him because unlike some girls I wasn’t willing to give myself in such a way.
The guy mean mugged us for a while before murmuring a few curse words and leaving.
Just great. There went my ride. But before I could lament over that, I remembered that Jaejoong still had a hold on my wrist when he started dragging me the other way.
I glared at the back of his head which was covered by a beanie. I noticed then under the disco ball neon lights that he wore a sleeveless shirt that showcased arms which proved he’d been hitting the gym quite a bit.
He looked good but I hated him for that.
“Jae!” when I tried to wriggle from his hold, he held on tighter and I had no choice but to follow him out. All the while I tried to ignore the attention we were garnering.
“How the hell did you find me?!” I shrieked at him.
“Your mother doesn’t exactly know how to keep a secret.” He was still facing forward, leading me astray.
“How did she know where I was?!” I asked in mortification. The thought of my mother knowing that I was clubbing was a bit weird.
“Your friends don’t know how to keep secrets either.”
Once we were outside Jaejoong started leading me to a motorbike that he kept here in the States in storage. For some reason I believed Jaejoong preferred his motorbike to the pricey sports cars he bought so much that he had one for here, one in Japan, and another in Korea. Yeah, rich people are insane.
“Get on the bike,” Jaejoong said, finally letting me go as he walked up to his bike and picked up his helmet from it and handed it to me. I stared at it, and then I stared up at him.
“Say what?”
“You’re coming with me,” he said with finality and I stared at him in shock.
When I didn’t take it from him he shifted his eyes from the helmet to my face. “Well?”
I wanted to slap the taste out of his mouth but was so caught off guard by all this that I didn’t really know exactly how to react.
“Get on the bike Mariam…” Jaejoong said with a firmness that I wasn’t used to.
“Why the hell should I?” I countered.
Jaejoong began to pace impatiently. “Get on the bike before I put you on it. You’re coming with me. ”
“No! Stop this okay? I’m not going anywhere with you ever!”
“I don’t have time for this—“
“Then leave!”
“Are you stupid? How the hell am I going to come here and then just leave? If I leave I’m not leaving without you.”
“Nobody asked you to come here!”
“Get on the bike…”Jaejoong forced his words through gnashed teeth. He had stopped pacing by now and was facing me with a rigid stance, holding the helmet at his side.
“No!”I roared defiantly.
“Get on the f*cking bike!” Jaejoong bellowed at me uncharacteristically, looking at me with hard eyes.
I didn’t want to get on. But I remembered that I didn’t have a ride and I didn’t want to be there when I was already certain that guy and his crew were probably mad at me. Grudgingly, I took the helmet from him, slipped it on, and mounted on his bike behind him where he was already seated.
Before long Jaejoong and I raced out of there into the night, ending up at the parking lot of my parent’s home moments later. Since the lights were all off, I knew that by the time that it was, and it being a Saturday night, my mother was at her neighbor’s house. It was routine. She did that every Saturday around this time.
When the bike rolled to a stop, I dislocated my hands from their hold around Jaejoong’s waist and removed the helmet. Climbing off the bike, I shoved the helmet in his chest and without waiting to see him catch it, I started for the house.
“So this is what I nearly break a leg, nearly get fired catching a flight to come back to huh?” he called out from behind me.
When I snapped my head in his direction, I glared at him.
“What?”
“You’ve already jumped onto the next guy?” he asked. After fixing the helmet safely on the bike, he folded his arms. His feet were far apart on either side of the bike. The moonlight hit his blonde hair and pale face perfectly. It wasn’t until his next set of words that I realized what an bubble gum Jaejoong could be sometimes.
“That quickly Mariam?”
I contemplated slapping him or yelling at him, but my innards were so wrecked. Seeing him after so long, after our last big blow up, was all too much for me to take. Wordlessly, I started for the house when a pulling of my wrist reeled me back.
“Mariam.”
I turned to Jaejoong, thoroughly annoyed. “What?!”
“Who was that guy?”
“What does it mat—you know I don’t even care anymore. I don’t have time to argue with you.”
“What do you have time for?” he hitched his head sideways as if the guy was still standing beside him. “Him?”
“Not as much time as you have for them!”
His features grew darker. “Don’t even think of going there…”
I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t even think of coming here all unannounced and try to run the show! How can you break up with me and then come back and get mad that I’m seeing someone else?”
“It’s not just that. I don’t mind you seeing others. It’s just…him,” he jutted his chin arrogantly then began nodding belligerently. “Yeah. I heard some things about him. Now what?!”
I stared at Jaejoong blankly for a few seconds before snapping.
“Jae! You don’t even know him or anyone who knows him. All you know are people from LN Entertainment and that’s it! You haven’t heard anything you liar!”
He gave a noncommittal shrug. “Well, I don’t like him.”
“Oh, that’s fine,” as I walked off, I talked to Jaejoong over my shoulder. “He’s not gay, so it shouldn’t matter whether you like him or not.”
“You were supposed to wait for me!” Jaejoong exploded suddenly.
When all I did was stare at Jaejoong with an open mouth of surprise, he suddenly paused then turned away while muttering a curse. Oh my goodness! No one had ever frustrated me so freaking much!
“I’m not Cassiopeia. I don’t sit around and wait for the latest haircut or the latest fancam of you doing regular human things like breathing and laughing. Don’t get it twisted Kim Jaejoong.”
He turned to face me, squinting. “So what’s that supposed to mean?”
“Treat me like your girlfriend! Not some fan who you expect to be at your every beck and call. Send me some flowers some times. Call me out of your own concern, not just to return my calls. Ask me how my day was! Ask me what my plans for the future are. You don task me these things because you don’t ask your fans these things. You’re always used to receiving, receiving, receiving everything from them! I don’t see you asking them how their day is or what their plans for the future are. You always expect them to wait for you, that’s why you want me to wait for you too. But I’m not your fan Jaejoong! I’m your girlfriend! I’m getting older. Unlike you, I want to settle down. See, it’s not like I’m prohibited to date, unlike some other people who can’t be in relationships by contract! I’m not forcing you to be with me, so if you’re not ready for this type of commitment that’s just fine but don’t drag me in the dirt while you’re so freaking confused about what you want!”
With that said, I spun on my heeled boots and started for my house, only to be grabbed and brought up short again.
“If you walk away from me, you better believe that I’ll track you down,” Jaejoong swore, boring down on me. My wrist was suspended in mid-air, being locked by his fingers.
“Jaejoong!” I twisted from his grasp.
“I’m serious…” he murmured.
“Why can’t you just leave me the f*ck alone like I did for you?!” I asked when I finally wrested free from him.
Jaejoong let out a guttural, almost primal groan of agitation while flailing his arms in exhaustion. “Cause for some f*cked up reason, I can’t let you go damn it! Got a problem with that? Deal with it!”
My fingers found my scalp and scratched frivolously.
“You’re making me lose my f*cking sanity!” I grated.
“That’s because you already made me lose mine!” Jaejoong sighed sharply, combing his hair and leaving his hand in his head, making gold locks of hair stand on end. “This is stupid Mimi. We’re acting like we’re in a drama or something.”
My hands fell heavily to my sides, as I spoke with sarcasm, “I didn’t know we were acting.”
“You know what I meant.” Sighing and licking his lips, Jaejoong looked at the ground while shaking his head in shame. “Damn. I’ve never argued with anyone like this.”
“The turtle that Yunho bought you for your eighteenth birthday…” I reminded him.
“He was too slow...” He held a rueful look on his face, like he still remembered that turtle that seemed to pester him so much for some reason.
“He was a turtle...” I pointed softly.
“Well, him being a turtle really annoyed me.”
When all I did was stare at Jaejoong, he returned my stare defensively, "Don't' judge me!"
“What happened to him by the way?” I was suddenly curious for some reason.
“Gave him up for adoption anyway why are we talking about him?”
After shrugging, we resorted to quiet, reminded that the issue still hang like a dagger over our heads.
I dug the tip of my pointed boots on the cement ground.
“What you did to me tonight was really disrespectful Jae. You have no respect for me. You think you own me. I’m sorry but that stardom life is getting to your head, thinking I should wait hand and foot for you. You need to remember your humble beginnings because you’re getting way ahead of yourself. I think you should just go back to where you came from and let me be. Please. I don’t need all this extra stuff right now. And like you said, you don’t need it either.”
I nearly turned to go to the house when Jaejoong began talking a hundred miles a minute while pacing back and forth, stopping at certain times and then picking up his pace.
“Uh, wait! Um…” Jaejoong stopped suddenly, patted his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and then lighted it before he began smoking.
Feeling weirded out by his actions I stared silently as he smoked, paced and scratched his mussed head. When he spoke again it was between intervals of smoking, stopping, and rambling.
“What was I going to say?” he suddenly snapped his gloved fingers, then began pacing again as he smoked and talked. “…oh yeah um, I was thinking, could I stay over tonight? I promise not to be a bad boy unlessyouwantmeto but I can stay in another room. The hotel is so far away and I’m so tired,” he paused and looked at legs suddenly. “And I like your boots by the way,” he shook his head suddenly and started to pace again while smoking and releasing smoke up to the skies. Then the quickness he began to talk with gave the fastest man on earth a run for his money. “And the stars look sparkly tonight but then I’m upset because my flight leaves early tomorrow and I wanted to spend more time with you, but it’s really out of my hands. Did I say I like your boots and that the moon is really like shining brightly tonight? Yeah, but uh, please don’t wear them again—the boots I mean—unless I’m around—No! Not because I’m trying to control you or anything like that but because all they’ll do is make more guys want to you which is okay I mean, it’s okay for other guys to want you, you’re beautiful and I mean, but you know, you’re supposed to, uh, be with uh, this guy. H-H-His name, I think,” he was back to scratching his head. “H-He. Ugh! I forget but I think he’s from some band DBS…K? or something. I’m trying to remember his name a -and helovesyou—oh! Yeah um his name, is Kim Jaejoong. Also known as Hero cause his outstanding looks save the world from its problems and he’s also known as themostattractivemantowalkthisplanet, twenty-one years old, okay looking—actually he’sperfectinthelooksdepartment in fact, you should check out his eyebrows and hair especially but you didn’t hear that from me!—But I think you should be with him cause he’s cool, he’s awesome, he’s pretty much good at anything and everything so yeah if I had to pair you up with anyone you’d be great cause look the name Jaeriam makes so much sense doesn’t it? It’ll be a hit people down the streets will be rocking Jaeriam shirts and eighty percent of the fanfictions on message boards will be about Jaeriam and then you guys will have your own magazine and fanart, like you know those cute chibi fanarts? And then you’d even have photoshopped pictures where they make it look like you’re getting down with the get down and um. And um yeah you guys would be a success but um I yeah, I, uh, try him out and yeah I wish I could stay longer than a night but I have to leave tomorrow morning. You‘ve got to believe me, the clockwork they have us doing is insane cause Junsu lost his voice then Yunho is still always on my back—I think he likes me like really likes likes me—but if it were up to me I’d take you with me—him—Kim Jaejoong I mean, but I—he can’t and you know why and I’m so—he’s sorry.”
By the time Jaejoong was done ranting, his face was white as newly fallen snow except for the two ruddy spots on his cheeks. His lips were wet and parted as he breathed through them. His hair was disheveled and his wide eyes showed how flustered he was.
I was the same. I was nearly out of breath and I hadn’t even done the talking. I was a little bit worried by his abrupt odd behavior even though I’d come to learn that suddenness was one of Jaejoong’s many traits, but floored for the most part. My mind was swirling as if Einstein had woken from the dead to demonstrate an equation that I would never get in this lifetime.
A long awkward silent save the wind’s whistle surrounded Jaejoong and I.
“You what?” I finally sounded out in disbelief.
“I said I was sorry. I mean uh, Kim Jaejoong…is sorry…” he murmured ashamedly, discarding the cigarette and crushing its blazing butt with his army boots.
“No…backtrack a little bit…”
“They’re working us like crazy. I think Yunho kind of likes me. Junsu’s voice is going—”
“No no no. A bit more…”
“I’m a perfect—I mean that uh, that guy Jaejoong, he looks pretty good …”
“Go back more than that…”
“I wanted—uh, you know what? I can’t really remember,” he began to put more emphasis on doing away with the cigarette as he focused on his foot. “Soooo can we share the same bed this go around cause I’ve been a good boy or am I sleeping on the floor again like last time?”
“Repeat everything that you said you moron,” I totally ignored his last statement even though it made me want to laugh.
“You’re going to make me say all of that again?” he asked with a sheepish smile, avoiding eye contact. He looked so cute. My eyes watered and my throat burned.
“You…love…me?” I croaked out slowly. Very slowly, taking a silent beat between each word.
He had never said those words to me.
This was the very first time.
And I had never felt this way after hearing them.
“Don’t make me repeat those words Mariam…I’ll be the laughing stock of the male race”
“You already are because you look like a woman.”
“Ouch…not my fault you look like a man…”
I gaped and laughed as tears streamed down my face, swatting him on his arm. “Jae you’re so mean to me yet you act so sweet for the cameras.”
“Right. For the cameras…”
“You love me?” I asked as I took a step towards him. My face was growing warm and my body buzzed, getting weaker and weaker by the moment.
“Everytime you say that I feel like…strange,” he kept his head down, his hands in his pockets as he continuously crushed the cigarette. “Men aren’t supposed to say stuff like that…” then he looked up at me reproachfully. “No matter how pretty that man is.”
“You love me?”
He sighed and looked off to his side. “Are you a broken record?”
“Oh my gosh…” my hand went over my mouth as if it was really hitting me for the first time. “You—you said you love me…”
“Ugh. So typical of you. Such a girl! Always blowing things out of proportion…”
“Jae!” I squealed cheerfully, nearly jumping as I chirped his penname.
“Yah!” he scrunched his face up, his face reddening more and more. “Stop that.”
“I’m so happy!”
“You’re making me very sad.”
“You said you love me!”
“This is teaching me never to say it again.”
“Um, uh, forgive me for uh, asking but uh…Just how much do you…love me…?”My shoulders kept hiking up shyly.
“….” He stared at me the way you’d stare at a crazy homeless person on the street who tries to approach you and then started to back away slowly.
“Jaejoong!”
“This much.” He held up his hand, distancing his thumb and index finger about a quarter of an inch from each other.
“You mean this much!” I splayed my arms like an eagle.
“You mean delusional-much...” he murmured, a smirk slowly breaking into his face.
Tucking my hands under my chin and hiking my shoulders, I beamed and faced the other way, giving Jaejoong my back in order to hide my intense blush. “He said he loves me!”
He chuckled and soon after wrapped his arms around my waist, his lips brushing hotly against my ears. He pressed his lower half against the small of my back, speaking in a lusty murmur, “Keep acting up and I’ll do more than just love you.”
“Jae!” I whisked away from him shyly. We had not reached that stage, that physical affection stage in our relationship. We were still all innocent hugs and kisses. Even though the kisses were slowly starting to have mature content in them.
“I’m just playing,” he said with a laugh. When he wrapped his arms around my waist again, I wrapped my arms around his neck. Then, despite all the soaring happiness, I still felt I had to put my foot down. I was usually a person that was hard to sway, up until I met this guy.
“Jae…this is the last time this happens though. I don’t let anyone boss me around like that. Next time, if you start trying to take me away on your own accord, I’m not going to go with you. I won’t be able to. My pride won’t let me.”
Jaejoong scoffed as though what I was saying was absurd. As though what I was saying was so absurd that it would never happen in the real world.
Then he held out his hand to me. I took it, and we walked away together.
I remember, at that time, hoping that I would always be able to walk with him for as long as possible.
“Guess what, there’s a new boss in town. And that person is the boss of you.”
He reached out trying to nip my nose playfully and I jerked back while laughing.
I remember thinking that night that happiness may be a real thing.
A real temporary thing.
But love, it’s an always thing.
Always and forever, like he once used to tell me
“Well then,” I tiptoed and pecked his cheek happily. “I guess I can safely say that I love you too boss.”
“Then it that case,” Jaejoong caught me off guard when he suddenly stopped walking, stepped behind me and tried hopping onto my back for a piggyback ride.
“Ahhh!” I screamed as I was tilted off my momentum, reflexively clasping my arms around Jaejoong’s legs as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. By the grace of the heavens I managed to stay on my feet without faltering but barely. My legs were shaking.
“Come on, go!” Jaejoong gave my hip a playful smack before pointing ahead of him. “Giddeyup!”
“Jae! Oh my g—what are you! You’re so heavy—ahhhh!!!”
Before long Jaejoong and I toppled over and crashed onto the cement floor. Luckily Jaejoong leaped off of me so that my fall wouldn’t be so heavy. With my hands out in front of me I made my fall less calamitous, landing on my knees but not so painfully.
Rings of laughter sounded beside me as Jaejoong fell beside me onto his back, laughing up a storm at my weakness.
I was still astounded by what he did, then began to laugh at his idiotic ways before rolling over beside him with my back lined with the ground and my chest heavenward.
We both laughed like idiots for a while before Jaejoong acted on his sudden superpowers. Levered on one elbow, Jaejoong loomed over me before cradling my cheek in his hand and stamping a hard kiss on me that made me slightly delirious by the time he pulled back.
“Promise,” he said huskily amiss the kiss.
“Hmmm?” I asked in a daze, my entire body tingling because I was being kissed by the person who I never knew would become the love of my life.
“That you wont give up on me.”
I swallowed hard and waited a while before speaking.
“Not if you give up on me first.”
“K…I don’t give up on you, you don’t give up on me. Deal?”
My response was a smile, and Jaejoong leaned down to kiss me more deeply.
We went on like this until someone’s loud voice halted us.
When Jaejoong and I sprung apart with him sitting on his behind and me levered on my elbows, my hear stood on end when I saw the neighborhood patrol police man aiming his flash light at us.
“Am I going to have to write you both a ticket for indecent behavior in public?!?!”
~0~0~0~
End of Flashback
~0~0~0~
…I sighed heavily, my minds clogged up with reminders of the past as the anesthesia wore off. My eyes fleeted throughout the room as I looked for him.
As expected, just like old times, he was nowhere to be found.
My eyes drifted to my stomach as guilt flooded me. I reached for it weakly, placing my hand on the flat plane. Tears trickled down my temples as I remembered the days when our arguments were so trivial, so simple, so innocent, then I thought back to how things were now.
How had we come to this point? How had I allowed us too? Why didn’t I listen to Mama? To myself?
None of this would’ve happened.
I couldn’t tell him something that would break his heart when I was sure it was already broken.
My eyes watered at the enormity of what I had done and how many people would be affected by it.
This pregnancy had come at the wrong time.