| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Thanks for reading/well wishes I am ever so grateful. now even though the story may take some cliche turns, be warned that i'm not that easy. so please don't be discouraged by the 'cliche'd' themes. a twist will come into play soon.
Chapter 41
Jaejoong
Maybe this was how Mariam felt when she found out that the company she worked for, the one that she loved so much, was built on lies. Maybe this was how she felt when she was thrown in prison for crimes she did not commit.
This, being this strange sadness that makes you feel like you’re in a world where everything was black. Nothing exists in this world other than a sooty environment. Everywhere you turn to, darkness is all that your eyes see.
In the darkness that cloaked throughout the room, I was reposed on a couch inside Mama’s house. With the cigarette between my fingers, I smoked idly as I looked at the backyard that once filled me with placidity but did nothing for me now.
I almost felt like that little boy who had been rejected by all. I used to feel so relieved that loneliness was no longer a factor in my life, but now I realized that maybe I had my head too far up in the clouds.
Maybe Mariam had been right. My touch with reality had been few and far between ever since I’d stepped into the limelight..
“Appa!!!” the childlike voice echoed in the distance. Hastily, I got rid of my cigarette. Fishing for the tictac box in my pocket, I popped one in my mouth just in time for Jin to run up to me with eyes as bright as his smile. I didn’t want him to know that I smoked neither did I want him to be around that type of environment. My insides ached.
“Hey buddy,” I said, helping him onto the couch as he outstretched his arms to me.
After sitting him on my stomach, Jin began ranting about how excited he was to be starting at a new school the coming week. Despite all the mishaps, life had to go on. For the kids at least. My goal was to try and make their lives as normal as possible even though I knew that was a farfetched dream.
A part of me was skeptical of putting them out in the public eye but I didn’t want to compromise their education. They would be five years old soon and though kindergarten wasn’t a must, I wanted them to get their brains working early. With Mama’s help, I enrolled them in a private pre-school that cost a fortune but was hopefully worth it. There were multicultural kids in the school which helped for a less stressful environment. I hated that I couldn’t have them in a traditional surrounding and I would have if I could monitor them more closely but I knew that wouldn’t be possible.
I didn’t even bother with the media anymore. And sadly, for the first time in my life, I didn’t even bother with the fans. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. Another part of me felt like I had asked for it so therefore I couldn’t really complain.
Our official website crashed on a daily basis since a two weeks ago when all this chaos had transpired. Dae had informed me something really strange though in the craziness of it all. The pictures had leaked because of someone in our staff, not because of Mariam’s purse.
It was an inside job.
She told me that a businessman who had been outside the restaurant where I found Mariam approached LN headquarters that same day with the purse in hand. He said he was going to give it to Mariam when he saw her running towards the fallen fan, but had no chance to reach her because of the commotion. He saw the pictures and when he saw me as a public figure in them, he realized how vital and scandalous the pictures could be. It must have been sheer luck that he was a Good Samaritan because he gave the purse back stating that he knows what chaos would come up of it if the pictures leaked. Had he been money-hungry and ruthless he would have asked for a bribe in exchange for it or even sold it to a national tabloid but he didn’t. He was very respectable and kind about the whole issue.
Which further proved that Mariam had nothing to do with the pictures leaking.
I started to think about the reason why Mariam and I ultimately broke up four years ago. When Mariam and I were struggling to date to the exclusion of everyone forbidding us to, Soon continuously threatened me, urging me to leave her for my own good. Then, one day, he showed me an article of Mariam and I by a river we always went to. Because I was a coward then, too afraid to lose my fame, I broke up with Mariam. Soon’s deal was, he had to buy the rights to the article so that they couldn’t be published, and because of this, he gave me an ultimatum. If I stayed with her, he would release the story. If I didn’t, then I would be safe. Only later, I realized that Soon had hired someone from his team to create that story. But by then, the damage had already been done and Mariam had already left.
I felt even worse for letting Soon’s manipulative ways get in the way of me hearing Mariam’s side when she tried to explain the purse situation and Soon’s bribes. I had put her through so much. Why she dealt with me, I couldn’t say I didn’t know. I could honestly say I never gave her a choice of whether to deal with me. In some odd way, I had forced her to stay with me due to my selfishness.
Before long, Hye had joined the Jin and I in the living room although it took all of her not to let her eyes fall shut. She too was seated on my stomach. Despite my dense thoughts, my children’s carefree attitude made me smile. Throughout all this, they were the little bundles of joy in my life. They made me laugh with their simplicities, making me hope for those days when the biggest obstacle was a spider on the wall.
Eventually, Hye who was too sleepy, ended up falling asleep with her head on her brother’s shoulder. She looked just like her mother when she slept. Jin’s fast talking slowed and so did his animated movements. He was getting sleepy too. But before he succumbed to slumber, he forlornly asked for his mother. All I did was tell him that she would be home soon.
Mama was around too. It had been insane trying to keep her relatives away even though their concern was touching. Regardless, I was still wary about other people pocking their heads into our business. I trusted no one and the same was for Mama. She was hit really hard by her daughter’s refusal to let her know her condition. Honestly, I was infuriated with Mariam because of that.
After putting the kids to bed, I watched them a while before checking in on Mama. As expected, her spirits were low and she wanted to be left alone. Truthfully, I thought she blamed me inwardly for what had happened to her daughter. I knew that sorry wouldn’t be enough.
When that was over, I went to sit on the front porch no matter how cold it was.
Sighing heavily, I called up Yunho.
“Hello?” he answered. His voice was rugged and I assumed I was disrupting his sleep.
“Yunho, you alright?” I had to ask him. This ordeal was taking a toll on us. From me snapping and beating Soon to the fans being outraged.
I wasn’t surprised that Soon didn’t press charges. But I had to be real careful with jumping for joy too soon. An eye for an eye was one of the decrees that Soon lived by. He wasn’t going to let me off the hook so easily, and now I wish I had acted more rationally before plowing away at him. There was no telling what dark corner Soon would attack from so I had to be on the lookout.
As far as I was concerned my relationship with Soon was forever destroyed from that moment. Me misjudging him, and not giving him a chance to explain, and attacking him had all resulted to the breakage of our bond.
And as expected, I felt guilty. I felt like an idiot for fervidly defending my fans. I forced myself not to think of them in order to discourage headaches.
“Yeah, trying to get some sleep. You been by to see her yet?”
I was surprised with how concerned the guys were for Mariam’s sake. They all felt terrible, like in some odd way, they were responsible for her assault. They too didn’t even want to approach the issue about our fans because not only were they embarrassed, but they were also deeply hurt.
“No…” I answered Yunho.
“Well, you need to stop being a baby and go see her.”
“She didn’t want me to see her.”
Yunho was quiet for a while before speaking. “Look, just don’t give up okay. That’s not something us guys do. Just toughen it out and try one more time. Maybe she’s just afraid because of the fans or something.”
I appreciated his words even though to an extent they were contrived. It was probably because he was really tired.
“Okay,” I said with a sigh. “I’ll go. Yunho?”
“Hmm?”
“Thanks for everything bro.”
After hanging up the phone, I went to get dressed and get ready to leave. But before I left, I sat down on the porch. Lifting the sleeve of my leather jacket, I eyed the tattoo. As I watched it and reminisced upon that night, a pair of headlights came into Mama’s driveway. In a matter of seconds Seung was walking up the pathway to her house. This had been common ever since the beating, him stopping by to see Mama that is.
We always made zero contact. There was really no need to. I couldn’t say that I had nothing to say to him. I wanted to question him of why he’d stolen Mariam away from me, of what he had over me that was so special for her to seek comfort in him.
We didn’t even bother acknowledging each other as he walked up the porch dressed in all white sweatpants with a matching sweat shirt. I was already dressed in my black biker’s outfit, which made for great contrast between us when we nearly bumped shoulders as we passed by each other.
I was just about to leave when I thought that maybe he was letting Mama know about a new prognosis. Because of those papers that Mariam signed, I had no way of knowing how she was faring. Reluctantly, I remained outside, tinkering with my bike for a couple of minutes before Seung came back out.
As usual, eye contact was avoiding and no words were spoken. We were two strangers connected to the same woman. I was busy gearing up my motorbike and waiting for him to leave when he suddenly bit into my thoughts.
“If I asked you to pick between them and Mariam right now, what would you do?”
The question brought my head up to find him stopping a few feet away from me with his hands stashed in his pockets.
“Would you answer me?” He continued. “Would you buckle under the pressure the way you’re doing now? Would you walk away without an answer?”
I stared, openly flustered at Seung. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh you know. The lights. The cameras. The action. If on Judgment Day you were asked to pick between a regular life with the woman you love, or a hectic life with millions of dollars and millions more fans who loved every single breath that you took. Which life would best suite you?”
Before I even answered, Seung heaved a scathing scoff before turning away with a shake of his head.
“You don’t love her—“
A bomb detonated within me and I charged behind him.
“That’s not true. She means the world to me—“
He stopped and spun around. “They do too, don’t they?”
My jaw bunched as I clenched my mouth shut in irritation. And surprisingly I wasn’t irritated with Seung more than I was with myself.
“You can’t understand unless you’re in my shoes—“
“You’re right. I don’t understand. And I don’t want to understand. I wouldn’t even hesitate, even after what they did to her, I wouldn’t hesitate to chose her.”
“You can’t blame a whole clan for what a couple of people did.”
“Right, but don’t bids of the same flock fly together?”
I didn’t answer him.
Lifting his chin, he walked up slowly to me.
“If it were up to me, you know what I’d do Jaejoong? I would do everything in my power for that woman, even if it meant giving up the world. You on the other hand, would have to run by your fans first!“
“That’s not true!” I roared, then regretted that because the kids were still asleep.
“Oh really? Then why did it take you a day and a half to report to her when you heard that she was sick?”
“I was held back by the police. I don’t even know why I’m explaining myself to you.”
He stared at me long and hard. “You may love Mariam, but you’re not in love with her…” he paused before his face grew hard. “Face it…”
Out of all the insults that I had received thus far, that had to be one of the biggest ones.
“You don’t know me and Mariam’s story. So you can’t tell me what I feel about her.”
“Not in love with her now are you?
“The only person that I have to answer to is Mariam.”
Seung tilted his head with a sarcastic smirk. “But you can’t do that now, can you?”
Irritation and fury coursed through me at his words.
“If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have to second guess myself. I would know what I want, and that would be her. You, on the other hand my friend, will not admit that you love your career more than you do her. It’s your career that you’re in love with. Not Mariam. And the reason why this hasn’t worked is because you’re too damn scared to admit it not only to her, but mostly to yourself. Because Kim Jaejoong does not want to be the bad guy. No. Not after being too addicted to being this God from the East. He does not want to be the one guy who sacrificed millions of hearts at the expense of salvaging one. He would rather hurt a woman who would give up her life for him in place of friends and wealth so that he can look like the angel. Because Kim Jaejoong wants to be perfect, he will do what a perfect boy does. And what do perfect boys do? They try to please everybody other than the people who should matter the most.”
With that said, Seung disappeared into the night as he walked away.
~0~0~0~
Because I had given the policemen helpful information, they cut me a deal, shortening the probation I was on for not being allowed to drive. Provided I messed up again, they would revoke both my driver’s and motorcycle’s licenses for a longer period.
I got to the hospital and at the entrance, I found Seung seated somewhere near the receptionist area by a large window, wrapping a silver flask in his hands. I was already pissed that it had started raining when I had decided to come over with my motorbike. Now I was even more pissed by seeing Seung. His head was low and his shoulders were sagged.
I couldn’t begin to emphasize how much I really didn’t like the guy, especially after the mess he had said to me earlier that night.
And mostly after making me think too hard because of what he had said.
Ignoring him, I made to go to the nurse’s desk to find out if I could see Mariam.
“Don’t bother.” Seung’s voice brought my steps to a slow.
Turning around, I looked at him to find him in the same position.
He drained some more from the flask, not bothering to look at me.
“She’s gone.”
“What?”
“She’s not here. She left,” Seung elaborated.
A slew of angry curse words left my mouth as rage filled me. At a loss of what to do, I sunk heavily into the seat beside Seung’s.
What the hell was wrong with her?
“Want some?” Seung asked, obtruding the flask to me. When he did so, the pungency of alcohol wafted over my nose. It seemed he was taking this entire thing hard too.
“No thanks. I don’t drink anymore,” I told him, sighing heavily as I took off one leather glove to rub my eyes. He scoffed before taking a loud swallow.
“Not allowed in the job description huh?”
“I guess. Got a problem with that?”
Seung held his hands up in lackadaisical surrender. “Don’t get defensive. You know, in another life, I would feel sorry for you. Tons of money. Millions of girls. And still, no freedom. Tough life huh?”
I didn’t answer him. Instead, I placed my elbows on my knees with my fingers rubbing my temple where a headache had begun. My thoughts were still channeled on Mariam and how angry she was making me. She had a knack for making me angry a lot.
“Only a crazy girl would put up with your sh*t. A crazy and hardheaded girl.” Seung paused and his following words surprised me. “The girl has to be damned strong too.”
“Then why is she always running away from me?”
“Well, for starters, you ruined her life.”
Before I could retort, he continued.
“She’s afraid of something, which is weird in Mariam’s case.”
We resorted to silence. I felt so drained. I didn’t know what else to do. The one person that I always turned to at times like this was gone. The other people that I always turned to when she wasn’t around weren’t there either. Before I knew it, I began rambling.
“Everything’s just all wrong. Mariam’s beat up and running away from me every time she sees me. Fans are upset. Management is in shambles. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who the hell to trust anymore. As pissed off as she makes me, I need her, but she won’t let me in.”
“Maybe she needs you more.”
Seung’s words brought my head up and made me look at him. His head was tilted back and his throat shifted as he imbibed from the flask.
“Maybe this whole thing is about more than just you,” he continued.
I shot up to my feet, rubbing my hands agitatedly along my lap as I walked up to the wide window. “I didn’t say all that. It’s just that—“
“She’s dying.”
“I know. I feel like I’m dying too. It’s just all too much—“
“No you idiot. She’s dying meaning in a couple of months if she’s not taken care of then she might never breath again.”
I paused. I didn’t turn around. I was frozen into place. The words were so unorthodox. So out of context that I didn’t know what to make of them. For a long time all that surrounded us was the heavy rain pouring outside.
Seung paused for a long while before continuing.
“Acute myeloid leukemia is what they told her. It started with the fevers that she’s been having for a while, but you know Mariam, she won’t go to the hospital unless she’s unable to breath. When me, her and Dae all worked at the same bank, we kept telling her to get some rest, but she kept working hard for the children. Supporting two kids on your own isn’t easy. The fever she had around Christmas when she blacked out took the cake, and it was some time after that when the doctors found out that something was wrong with her blood cells. So they called her back to the hospital a few days after releasing her. I assume it’s the same day that her and Dae had a huge argument. She said something about you being upset with her because ‘you knew’. I guess she was talking about the kids, cause she told me later on everything that happened between you two.
“I was surprised that she called me, because Mariam was never one to reach out for help from someone else. I guess she did because my dad is one of the top doctors here. He was surprised because the symptoms had been there--the weight loss, the erratic emotions, always feeling sick--but I wasn’t surprised because Mariam’s stubborn attitude is what kept her from going to the hospital.
“I told her to tell you, time and time again. But she thought she could deal with it. she felt it was her problem, and she for some reason feels it’s her fault. It’s been hard for her, thinking about you and the kids. Then on top of that, dealing with your f*cking psycho manager and even more psycho fans. Everytime I told her to tell you, she would call me selfish.” He chuckled scathingly, took a swab at his beer and wiped his mouth with his hand. “Can you believe that? Even when she’s sick, she’s thinking about you and your damned fans.
“And just when we were starting treatment, those fans that she was so caring about turned around and beat her. only a day ago the doctors found out that she’s two weeks pregnant. Unfortunately, the child is yours. That’s going to make chemotherapy pretty risky, but it’s all that can be done right now. I came to see her but lo and behold, she made arrangements with my father so that she could leave to France with his private airplane.
“Now I don’t like you. I really don’t like you, but I know that deep down inside it would kill Mariam not to see you before she leaves. So I’m going to tell you where my father’s plane is located. I’m going to tell you how to get passed the security so that you can get to her without them stopping you. I’m also going to tell you what a fool you have been. I wasn’t going to tell you any of this because she asked me not to, but you’re too f*cking blinded by your glitz and glamour to realize it on your own. So yeah, don’t talk about needing somebody. She needs you more than you need her. How’s that for a change?”