| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Recommended song to listen to while reading, Doushite and LOVE IN THE ICE!! (of course lol)
Chapter 42
My gloved hands tightened around the clutch. My bike left a steady droning in its wake. My bike and I sliced through the rain, going through emptied allies and busy streets.
I was speeding.
I was speeding to the piece of land that Seung had directed me to. It didn’t matter that the roads were sleek and slippery with rain. It didn’t matter that the rain itself was blinding.
None of that mattered.
Nothing mattered.
Not my fans. Not DBSK. Not my past or my future.
Nothing but Mariam.
It didn’t matter that I was being hypocritical; thinking of her so urgently only after things had spun out of control. I didn’t care if anyone who heard the story of Jaejoong and Mariam would call me a bastard who didn’t deserve her. I didn’t care that I had basically changed at the flip of a coin nearly a hundred times.
I didn’t care because all those things reminded me that I was human.
Mariam reminded me that I was human.
And if the only person who helped me keep my feet on the ground left, then what would happen?
My speeding would place me behind bars, but even rotting in jail or getting my license revoked forever didn’t matter at that moment.
Getting to her mattered. Is this how I should have attacked the situation through the years of our being together? Should I have fought with my last dying breath to get to her?
Was I being punished for making her wait too long?
No. This wasn’t about me.
It all started to make sense. That night when she left abruptly, the very night that I found out about the kids being mine, was it the doctor that was on the phone calling her? The time I found her sitting in the attic, Seung had been calling her about the issue. The disappearing acts, always looking pale and tired—was she wearing make-up as a cover up?
How had I not seen anything? How, especially when I was around Mariam more than I had ever been in all my years of knowing her? I still refused to believe this though. Things like this didn’t happen to real people.
It didn’t happen to normal people.
But was I even what one would call a normal person?
Maybe Seung was lying. That’s what I had said to him after each and every word he spoke had sunk in. He was lying. There was no way that Mariam could be dying. Who dies like that in real life? No, this was something for a TV show or an epic love story. This was not how things were supposed to go. After someone goes through hell, there’s supposed to be heaven. At the end of a dark alley, there’s supposed to be light. After the rain comes the sunshine. I refused to accept this. I hadn’t accepted a life of poverty and had worked hard to gain everything I’d ever wished for and more. If I worked hard for this, for her, she would come back. She was not going anywhere.
I refused to believe that anything was wrong with her.
I zipped by traffic, the buildings and nightlights that flanked me all deformed by my velocity. The bike roared like the distant thunder. Fat raindrops splattered on the shield of my helmet. Rotating wheels sloshed the rising water from fallen rain.
And as I weaved through a network of cars parked in traffic and tilted my bike as I rounded the corner belonging to a number of serried buildings, my heart began to race when the building a few feet away mystified by the intense rain came into view. Somewhere behind that building, Mariam was there.
Somewhere behind that building lay my future.
Drawing my brows together in deep concentration, I started to go faster.
Maybe, maybe I could get to her in time. Maybe I shouldn’t have given it up. Shouldn’t have dropped out of school or gone to LN Entertainment. Should’ve gone to college. Gotten a regular job. Married her…
My eyes stung as an overwhelming sadness crashed into me at the thoughts of what could have been.
Maybe, just maybe that life wasn’t worth it. Maybe fulfilling my dream was not worth it…
I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t even see myself engaging the clutch and heightening the gear as anger swept through me like a thief in the night.
I didn’t know all of this until the front end of a white car suddenly appeared in my path.
It happened so quickly yet so slowly all at one go.
My eyes widened as I experienced the calm before the storm. I didn’t have enough time to think of a way to stop the next events from happening. There was no time to swerve the head of my bike in a means that would prevent a collision.
I was too late.
First I heard the loud, blood curling thump of metal colliding with metal. Then I felt the all the air gush out of my lungs like a big hand hammered my back. That’s when I was hauled forward without any preamble by a powerful force. The impact of me driving above the speed limit jerked the tail of my bike in a sharp, upward motion, thus throwing me off with no mercy.
When you’re little, you dream of flying, but not under such circumstances. When you see stunt doubles perform such tricks in movies, you want to partake in such festivities so that you can look as cool as they do.
Funny thing about real life, it doesn’t always feel like what you see. Like a fan loving a person for what they see, not really knowing what they’re really like.
I overturned while vaulting in the air. The ground seemed so far away yet my right arm struck it in the blink of an eye when I landed on my side. In my fall, I my entire side crushed onto the wet asphalt, and I really felt it when the side of my head struck the hard surface. I fell so hard that my teeth clanked together, sending a shoot pain up my jawbones. Ironically, the helmet—with the help of the skullcap—must have served its purpose, because I didn’t feel or hear anything crack in my head. But I did feel a strong wave of pain coursing from the portion where the helmet struck the ground to the rest of my head.
The side of my body suffered immense pain too when I fell. There was no mistaking the dislocation of my arm and shoulder.
Letting out a groan of pain and wincing with my eyes and teeth clenched, I rotated onto my back. The rain pelted heavily on me as I caught respite with my chest rising and falling pronouncedly. The chaos of screeching tires, horrified screams, and loud gasps surrounded me.
This was what I had worked so damned for, right? To be the center of attention. To have everyone rapt. To have all eyes on me.
Yet, this one time, the attention was because of my pain. Because of my demise.
This was my fall from the top.
As I tried to maintain the pain, especially the one in my head, I felt myself being probed at as I got dizzy. An intense ringing sounded in my right ear, nearly drowning out the sounds surrounding me. I felt as though I was fighting with myself to stay awake and not slip into unconsciousness due to the tidal waves of pain.
Then I thought of her. And I began to panic.
She was going to leave.
If I didn’t hurry, she would be gone.
“M-Mari-am…” I moaned in pain. When my eyes fluttered open, everything was a blur. Then the trickles of raindrops sliding against the cracked glass of my helmet came into focus before worried faces from strangers hovering over me came into view.
“Someone call an ambulance!” I heard in the distance. When I attempted to shake my head, the ringing in my air got louder and I felt even more pain.
“No…” I murmured feebly, slowly attempting to rise only to freeze when sharp pains streaked through me.
“Stay down,” someone said as they tried to push me back down. “You might have a dislocated spine and shouldn’t move—“
It was when I tried to roughly push them off of me with both of my hands that a sharp pain went through my right arm up to my shoulder and neck in the speed of light. .
“Argh!” I groaned in pain, clenching my teeth as I gripped my afflicted arm and fell onto my back again.
I remained this way for a couple of seconds, an inner voice in me telling me that I would not make it. Telling me that I had officially messed up for good. Then the very thought of her walking out without me ever having a chance to persuade her back coursed through my mind. The distant wails of police and ambulance sirens were also what propelled me up no matter how strenuous and taxing moving was.
“Are you crazy?!” some irate man shrieked at me as I struggled to my feet. My mind swirled when I was finally on my feet and I stumbled, bumping into a close by person who caught me before I fell.
“Sir you need to remain still!” another one cautioned. “You could have a dislocated spine! What the—Wait for the ambulance.”
Always being told what to do stopped at that point.
Ignoring them, I began to stumble through the rain towards the building where Seung told me Mariam would be.
“You’re going to go to jail for a hit and run you fool! What’s wrong with this idiot?! He’s going to hurt himself even more! He could have a concussion!” someone else shrieked.
Totally fed up, I fished for my wallet in my pants with my less bruised hand and threw it negligently behind me in case they needed my contact information before staggering forward. My right leg hurt every time I stepped on it, so I had to limp.
When a concerned by passer reached out to me I shook them off, wincing at the pain that caused, and headed for the building before the police or ambulance could arrive.
I had already decided.
Nothing and no one was going to take me away from her.
Not her.
Not even me.
She was the one.
~0~0~0~
Mariam
“Tell them that I love them,” I told my mother shakily, wiping the tears that leaked with the hand of mine that wasn’t bandaged. Since I was leaning against a wall, it was easy for me to let go of the walking cane that I had been using for one of my sprained left leg. The two cracked ribs still made breathing difficult. The cast on my left arm made getting around tedious and the cut on my nose stung at the most unsuspecting times. Bruises decorated my entire body.
For young teenage girls, they surely knew how to fight. There had been so much hatred one would have thought I personally assassinated their families. They blamed me for ruining DBSK and Cassiopeia. They said I didn’t deserve Jaejoong. They said that I was a monster and that they hoped I died a slow painful death.
“I can’t believe you are leaving like this! First you shun me and Jaejoong out, now you just up and leave?” My mother cried.
When the real reason of why I was leaving crossed my mind, I grimaced and rubbed the tears out of my eyes. I had not told her, just as I had not told anybody else. Seung and his father were the only ones who knew.
I didn’t want to disappoint my mother. I didn’t want it to look like I wanted her sympathy either. I just didn’t know what to do. Telling her and not telling her would still give the same result.
“Miss Louis, we’ll be leaving in five minutes,” one of Dr. Choi’s help told me as he carried some of my luggage towards the plane on the field behind one of the many small clinical offices that Dr. Choi had. The field was a large piece of land that Dr. Choi had bought to not only start his own practice but build his own hospital.
It had taken a lot of me to go up to Seung and tell him of my condition, but with the knowledge that his father was one of the top doctors in South Korea, I placed my trust in both of them. I thought I could get this taken care of on my own, or at least so that the children or Jaejoong wouldn’t figure it out.
When Jaejoong returned, I figured that he’d be too busy to worry about me like I tused to be. The same way that he was too busy to notice when all the chaos was going on with my company. If worst came to worst, I was going to tell him, but I felt at fault. Like a Sunday school kid who sinned but was too shamed to confess to their priest.
We already had so much going on. I didn’t want to admit yet another failure to my part. I had disappointed him and the kids.
"I'm sorry Mama. I will explain...hopefully...tell the kids I love them. I love you Mama. Don't you forget that okay?" after hanging up, I handed the cellphone to the help when he returned with an umbrella.
Stepping under the umbrella, the man ushered me out of the shed towards the small plane in the center of the field. With his help, we started for the airplane where some more men waited.
We were leaving when all of a sudden the hold on my cane loosened as I was being dragged the other way. The man and I both turned to find a man masked by a helmet, guiding me the other way.
Panic strew within me with the thought that Soon had sent one of his men to attack me. Why though? I was leaving.
“W—who are you—“
“Just come with me. we’re going home.”
My blood ran cold at the recognition of that deep, husky voice. Even though it was muffled because of the helmet, I could recognize that voice even if I were deaf.
“Jaejoong?” I whispered in dismay.
How had he found me? What was he doing here? Had Seung told him? I wanted to be mad at Seung, but for some reason I wasn’t. I figured Jaejoong would be mad at me because of everything that had happened. I figured he wouldn’t want to talk to me ever after that afternoon in Soon’s office when he told me to leave.
“Sir, who are you?! Let the woman go. I’m going to call security on you!” The man who was leading me away said.
Jaejoong did not listen. Relentlessly, he continued to take me with him. When I let out a cry of pain because of my leg, he stopped suddenly and whipped around. He examined me from head to toe, although I couldn’t really tell because of the helmet that he was wearing. I found it odd, wondering why his bike was nowhere to be found. I wondered why his helmet had a crack on it. Why he was limping.
And most of all, why he was here.
“Jaejoong, please, I have to go—“
“No.” he shook his head adamantly, unable to stand still.
My head began to hurt as I thought about having to argue with him over this. I was too wrung out to argue.
“Please,” I practically begged. “There’s no time—“
“No.”
“Why are you being like this?!” I could feel us going back to that argumentative lane that we always found ourselves in.
“Why are you being like this?!” he countered. He was so angry. So angry. His voice was so rough that I flinched when he yelled at me.
“Because it’s what’s best…” I tried to explain, my voice weak. I was surprised he heard me. The rain was so heavy and loud.
“How?! Who are you to say what’s best and what isn’t?!” Jaejoong bellowed.
“If I stay here this is all that’s going to happen. We’re just going to argue…and…”
He shook his head then stiffened suddenly.
“Why do you have to leave?” he began pacing again despite his obviously bad leg.
“Because it’ll be safer if I leave.”
“No,” he shook his head adamantly. “You’re safe with me. Now get on the bike and come back to my place.”
For a long while I stared at Jaejoong worriedly.
“Hurry!” Jaejoong suddenly removed his helmet and when he handed it to me. His matted hair stuck to his face as rain sluiced down his skin. Breathing heavily through his mouth, Jaejoong continuously looked at something on the ground as he waited for me to take the helmet from him. I began to notice that the right side of his hair was darker but before I could ask what that was all about, he sliced his eyes at me.
“You’re being ridiculous. Stop! People are looking at us!”
“I don’t care,” he grated and my eyes watered. I was thankful for the rain. He wouldn’t see me cry.
“Yes you do,” I croaked out quietly. “You do. You care.”
“I’m not letting you go,” Jaejoong shook his head and protruded the helmet my way. “I don’t care what you say. You’re coming with me. You’re not going anywhere.”
I felt like I was being lashed by a thorny whip. I felt so much pain. Seeing him, like this. I began to worry if Jaejoong was in his right mind. He looked like he’d snapped forever to the point of no return. There was a look on his face that scared me. A hell bent look. One that said he would do something terrible if things didn’t go his way.
“You’re being selfish Jae…”
Jaejoong suddenly hurled his helmet where it crashed and sent water splashing as he angrily stepped up to me with the leg of his that was fine.
“Fine then! Fine. I’m selfish! I admit that I’m selfish! My name is Kim Jaejoong and my biggest flaw is my selfishness but funny thing about flaws is they’re damned hard to get rid of, sometimes impossible. I’m selfish and I’m proud of being selfish. I want it all! And you’re everything! So quit wasting time and come back to me damn it!”
Stiffened by the shock of where Jaejoong and I were in our lives, I didn’t respond. I just stared at him, not knowing what to do or say. All I could do was let the tears roll down my face.
“Okay. Okay. What do you want me to do Mariam? What do you want me to do? You want me to quit?”
“Stop it! Jaejoong—“
“You want me to quit?! You want me to tell the world that it’s over? You want me to tell my fans that I’m done? Should I get on my knees while saying it?! Is that what you want?”
Before I could respond, Jaejoong fell heavily to his good knee before going as far as hurting himself by lowering his other knee to the ground.
“Jaejoong!” I shrieked, having to stagger over to him. When I shook his shoulders, he grabbed my wrists and looked up at me with angry eyes.
“Tell me what you want and I’ll do it. Name it and it’s done—“
“STOP IT!” I tried to shake his hands off but was no match for his strength. “You’re scaring me—”
“You want me to give it all up?”
“No…stop…please…”
“Fine!” Jaejoong used me as a ladder to struggle back to his feet. “I’m giving it up. I’m telling you here and now that I’m done with it all! Will you still leave me?!”
It was after we stared at each other for a long time that I saw some pain behind his eyes that let me know that he knew.
My worst fear had come true.
He knew.
Parting my lips, I made to apologize but Jaejoong shook his head adamantly as if refusing to accept it all and began ambling off.
“Let’s go,” he called over his shoulder.
I felt everyone else’s eyes on me. They were all stares of confusion and shock. Quietly I stared at Jaejoong, whose steps slowed when I surmised he realized that I wasn’t following him.
For a long while, he didn’t turn around. I watched sadly as his shoulders heaved up and down, watching his hands ball into fiery fists. Then he turned, but only fractionally, still not looking me in the eye.
The pain that washed over me at the realization that this could possibly the last time I saw Jaejoong was savage and merciless. It came at me with the impetus of an untamed wild animal seeking revenge of some sort. My insides were gnawed and clawed at, making me bleed inwardly like the fangs and talons of life had come to avenge me.
“Let’s go!” he bellowed.
I knew that I should’ve just walked off. My immune system was so low that if I even got a cold from the rain I could end up in critical condition.
But I couldn’t just leave Jae like that.
So I started to do what the doctor said would take me weeks. Without my cane, I started to limp towards him. When I was standing behind him, I wrapped my free arm around him and pressed my face against his back.
“You…ready…to leave?” he asked hopefully, quietly, and I shook my head against him.
“I’m not coming with you this time Jae…”
“No. you’re coming. It’s ready. Our future is ready…and waiting…”
I bit my lip as pain coursed through me, then I whispered, “It’s going to be okay Jae…”
“N-no. Yu promised. You said…you weren’t giving up on me. You said it...Mimi…”
“Jaejoong I’m sorry…”
“No. You’re not supposed to break your promises. That—that’s just—not you. The kids…they’re…they’re waiting for you—“
“Soon…showed up at the hospital.”
At my words, Jaejoong froze.
“He told me that I had ruined you all, and because of that, he wont let me have the last word. He said it’s not the kids that he’s against, it’s me. He still thinks all of this is my fault. The police are in hot pursuit of him and he says I’m the reason. He told me that if he keeps seeing us together, he’ll do more than hurt me. He says he would hurt the kids instead. I hate to run away like this. If it was just me that he was threatening…then I wouldn’t. But the kids.” I sighed shakily. “The kids don’t need to be a part of this. I don’t want to deal with Soon when I’m in treatment, and I don’t want the kids to see me in treatment cause it’s, it’s very difficult. If you follow me Jaejoong, he’s going to find us.
“Soon will not let this go, and he told me so himself. He said I could thank you for that. But until the police have solid proof to place him in custody, I don’t want to try Soon. Not after what I know he’s capable of. If anything ever happened to the kids…”
We would both never forgive ourselves. That’s when we knew that we were truly dealing with a monster.
Soon was not to be underestimated.
Jaejoong stood like that for several moments. My arms wrapped around his waist and my head on his back. Even in the rain, I could hear and feel the rattle of his heart. A small, sad smile caressed my lips. It sounded better than any song that he had ever sung.
“He won…” he said and my eyes stung with tears.
“No. The fight isn’t over.”
We stood quietly for a long time, drowning in each other’s pain.
“Miss Louis! We have to get going now! We’re delaying!” one of the help from behind us shouted.
I wanted to stay that way…always and forever with him. But I couldn’t. Just when I started to let go, Jaejoong went off at the handle. He started to rant like he had done…once upon a time.
“I-it’s raining…” Jaejoong murmured and I hugged him tighter. Jaejoong’s words were slurred, running together like he’d been drinking. He sounded delirious, like he was about to faint.
“I know,” I said into his back, letting my tears soak on him.
“I can’t see the stars. The moon. They-where are they?”
I felt him lean into me, as though seeking some form of support. Despite my state, I stood strong and took all his weight, just to let him know that he could always lean on me...no matter what. “They should be here, with us, cause, you know…Jaejoong…and Mariam…" His voice tapered off before he added, "I’m cold Mimi…I feel so cold…”
Stifling a whimper, I pressed my lips against his back, holding him tighter than before. I felt bad that I wasn’t able to protect him from all the unkindest harsh realities of the world.
“The old couple, remember them? That was meant be Mimi and Kim Jae…You said…you wouldn’t let go…whatever happened…I…You…were supposed…to wait…I’m always…and you’re for...ever…and...I...love…you…and it hurts…and please don’t…leave me—us. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t give up…I'm sorry...”
By now I was sobbing on him, holding him tightly with one hand as much as I could.
“I’ve been waiting for you Jae. You just…took too long…I’m sorry too…”
My voice tapered off and I cried on Jaejoong’s back. An overwhelming heaviness panged my chest, making it intensely difficult when I whispered again, "Love you too Jae..."
I needed him so much. Because I knew that he needed me.
I didn't want to let go.
I did not want to let go. My fingers shook as they clung onto the front of his leather jacket so hard against the zipper that they cut through my palm. But even as I felt the metal piercing through my flesh, I did not flinch.
“Mariam, we were set to leave two minutes ago. We have to leave now before the weather worsens,” the help reminded me and I wanted to strangle then and ask them if they could understand what was going on. if they could see our pain.
Regardless, I knew what had to be done.
I had to force myself off of Jaejoong. Right before my hand left, I felt Jaejoong reach for it.
Our hands touched.
It was a feather light touch.
An almost touch.
A what could have been touch.
Maybe if we’d held each other’s hands tighter…
But it was too late.
My hand had already slipped away.
But not before leaving a blood a bloody trail on his hand from the cut on my palm.
Only later did I realize that there was some mysterious blood on the hair next to my temple.
I learned that the blood didn't come from me, but dripped from the right side of Jaejoong's head.
We had unknowingly marked each other with our blood, a symbol and unbroken bond of always and forever.
~0~0~0~
Jaejoong
Two subways and a train later I was staring at the LN Entertainment logo.
I had come to say goodbye.
I knew that the paparazzi had now migrated to Yunho’s place, but I knew that some of them still lingered. But I didn’t care. They meant nothing to me now. By then, I was a walking mummy. I had stayed and watched Mariam leave. I had picked up my helmet, which had a tough enamel to sustain the harsh throw I had given it, although the throw had introduced some new cracks. As I came returned to Seoul sitting in the of a bus with my head held low and my helmet still on, I heard some passengers in the bus chattering up the news coverage of me being caught up in an accident. They said that the people surrounding only found out moments after I had already left from looking at my driver’s license.
They said that some people thought I was dead because I was missing.
Even though the helmet acted as a good veil to hide behind, I still garnered strange looks because the glass from my helmet was chipped and cracked and also because of my odd walking. I had managed to swindle all the drivers at the train and bus stations, but I knew that they were hot on my tail for not paying for fair.
But if anyone asked me if I cared I would simply answer that I didn’t give a damn.
It still rained as I stared at the building and those letters that seemed to cross together before my eyes. I was still dizzy. My head still hurt. My body still hurt. But nothing compared to the hurt of her leaving. Leaving the way I had left her, only with less selfish reasoning.
I continuously stared at the building. LN Entertainment. The palace where dreams come true. The place where nightmares are birthed.
There was no need for me and this place anymore. I was done. I dragged my sodden body down the flight of stairs. Darkness began to close around my eyes. I stumbled and tripped a couple of stairs, using the railing to keep me upright. When I thought I had an okay balance, I let go of the railing and continued staggering down the front stairs of the building. I was cold. Sodden by the heavy rainfall. The helmet that I had been wearing seemed a bit too heavy too, so with all the energy that I had, I uprooted it from my head. When I had it in my hands I saw a dark coloring that dripped with the copious rainfall
That color did not match the pure water.
It was my blood, and I now realized that it was the reason for my vision being obscured. Lifting my hand, I felt my head only to feel a stinging pain at what I presumed was a wide gash on the right side of my head. My ear still rang on that side too.
Even though my head felt lighter now with a sharp pain shooting from the right side elsewhere, my feet still felt weighty. Moving them was very taxing.
Once I continued outside, my hands were groping the nearby graffiti scripted wall.
Then, like a man who has been stripped of his name, I finally let the world’s weight bring me down. I finally let the chains of hell yank me in through its doors.
My shaky legs made me press my back against the wall for support, but my legs weren’t strong enough.
I slid down against the wall and sat against it, knowing that my bloody head left a trail in its wake.
Then, when my eyes shut, I thought about how I hadn’t slept this well since I began training in LN Entertainment at my tender ages.
Then, suddenly, the hard hitting rain against my head and shoulders stopped. When I cracked my heavy lids open, I stared ahead of me at a pair of legs, and then a large hand came into view.
Slowly and painfully, I tilted my head back to find a pair of eyes and a flash of teeth at a conniving smirk amiss a sheet of blackness that came from the wide umbrella that was now shielding me from the rain.
The eyes and the hand belonged to Soon.
I didn’t know what he was doing here; with it being so early in the morning I hadn't expected to find anyone here. Then again, just because LN headquarters was no longermy home, it was still his home.
“Welcome home, my son.”
Before I could understand what was going on, the smirk across his face was cleanly wiped off and the kindness in his eyes evaporated. That very hand that reached out to me whacked me across my face so hard that the ringing that had been in my right ear returned as the unbearable pain resurfaced through my head.
Then everything went pitch black.