| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
thank you all for reading. thank you new readers and old. i appreciate you all so very much smile you all seriously make my day lol
p.s. i had like the moooooooooooost amazing dream of Jaejoong omg! I swore I woke up with a smile on my face no lie ahhhh that was the highlight of my entire week lol
k love you guys and i hope things are going fine with you all :)
oh yeah the next chap has some pretty depressing overtones. so if you dont want to be put in a bad mood or if such things are intolerable for you then refrain from reading. then again, if you have made it thus far throughout the story i suppose you may be able to handle what resides in this chapter lol
Chapter 44
Jaejoong
1 Day Later
I left the hospital the moment I was dumped there. Yeah, dumped. Apparently Soon’s ‘crew’ was so mad about him releasing me that they made it a point to let me know how much they disliked me by throwing me on the hospital’s steps just as the sun crept up the horizon. DaeGun in particular had the urge to hit me. I had seen it in his fiery eyes. But the other guys reminded him that he would be dead meat if he even tried. I guess Soon’s tyrannical ways went beyond just DBSK and all the LN Entertainment trainees. BTK probably suffered his wrath too.
When they threw me there like trash, I dragged myself to a nearby wall and sat with my knees up and my head low, the ringing in my ear far worse than before.
I didn’t want to go in because I simply didn’t give a rats ass how banged up I was neither did I want to deal with people’s fake concern. I had enough concern from fans to go around three life-times and that was more than enough.
Unfortunately the world couldn’t hear my thoughts because someone from nowhere rushed to my side, touching my arm and trying to touch my face.
“Sir! I saw those men put you here. Are you okay?!”
The fact that it was the voice of a female discouraged me from acknowledging the person more. My response was to rudely move my head away from her as though she were made of slime.
Then I paused when from the corner of my eyes I saw her pale, soft hands. Their softness was such a stark comparison to the rain clouds that filtered the sky. They were an undeniable contrast to my grime and dirt.
Those hands…those beautiful hands…
When I mistakenly glanced up at her I felt like whiplash.
Standing before me had to be the girl who was in the video of Mariam’s beating. It was either her or the girl had a clone. Despite the video’s lacking quality I knew that face and there was no denying it that this was the girl.
Was the world really that small?
“Get the f*ck away from me!” I muttered angrily as I scrambled along the wall away from her, meanwhile scraping my bare shoulder against the rough wall and making stucco rain over my head and shoulders. While I was tied up, they’d rid me of my jacket, so the cold danced along the exposed skin of my arm and neck for all I wore was a dirty wifebeater.
The only other time I had reacted to someone this way was the guy who used to abuse me in LN Entertainment.
Hatred had never been so distinct and instant within me as it was then.
Hatred
What was going on with me? Hatred? Kim Jaejoong? Hatred? When did those two words ever have any type of correlation in my life?
The girl stared at me with her startled, big dark eyes. She looked offended, but I honestly didn’t give a damn. In fact, what I wanted to do next was thrash her against the wall and…and…
Was I seriously contemplating hitting a woman?
Scared by my own thoughts, I shuffled to my feet and tried scuttling away. Forgetting that I had a bad leg, I fell.
“Jae—Jaejoong oppa. Wait!”
When I felt her hands on me I roughly threw her off me, getting up sans the pain. I didn’t get up on my own. She had helped me and because of this, I whipped around to glare at her. “Don’t ever touch me,” then remembering what she had said and done in the video, I went on and on. “You don’t own me! I don’t belong to you—“
“I—I know. Please, wait! It’s not what you think. I—“ she broke eye contact as guilt flashed through her eyes, looking at the ground now. “I hope Mariam is okay…”
Was this girl schizophrenic?! Bipolar?! Did she just ask me if the person that she had hurt was okay? And how in the hell had she found me?
“Why would you do that to her? Do you know how—“ I bit my bottom lip hard before I said something that was so against the person that I was.
The girl swallowed hard and I wondered why on earth I was giving her the time of day to begin with.
“My twin sister…she’s…she has issues…I didn’t follow you here. I’m here to see her. She’s…she tried to cut herself and the doctors say its dangerous cause she slit a vital vein and…”
That’s when I saw it, the mirror of my pain. There was a fear behind her eyes. One that for some reason I understood without any form of explanation.
It was an unspoken, the understanding between us, as we stared into each other’s pain-filled eyes. The tears that had formed in her eyes had shown up with absolutely no introduction as quickly as the sadness that had filled up my insides.
It wasn’t unusual that we met in Seoul’s national hospital. What was unusual was why she approached me.
“What do you want?” I asked gruffly, wondering why I was even bothering to give her the time of day. I think I seriously just wanted to take my anger out on someone.
“N-nothing Jaejoong oppa. I’m sorry about my sister. But I just saw those men bring you here and—I thought maybe—“
“You want an autograph?” I charged, stepping up to her and boring my eyes down hard on her. “Huh? Want me to sing and dance like a f*cking puppet?! Soon as you say ‘go’?”
Her wide, startled and hurt eyes showed that she was caught off guard. Her lips parted but no words came out.
Look at her, looking all innocent and blameless. That’s another reason why I loved Mariam so much. She wasn’t pretentious.
Yet she had lied to you for all these months. Yet she hadn’t told you that she was dying.
That inner voice within me brought a demon flare out of me. I snickered, raising my chin arrogantly no matter how painful doing that was. The right side of my neck hurt and my head felt heavy from lack of sleep. The right side of it throbbed like a steady beat.
“Not the person you expected huh?” I taunted. “What, am I supposed to be cute and kindhearted with jokes to fill Cassiopeia with joy?”
“W…what’s wrong with you…” she asked softly, bringing her hand to her mouth.
“You!” I snapped, my hands balling into fists. “All of you! You want this and then you want that! I give it all and then I get nothing in return. I ask for one thing! I can’t even have one thing and you all throw a f*cking fit! You actually beat her!”
“That wasn’t my doing! That was my twin sister—“
“And how do you expect me to believe this twin sister bullsh*t?! What the hell do you think this is? A TV show or some twisted Shakespearian plot?!? How f*cking off is that? You expect me to believe that a person that looks exactly like the one who beat up my future wife had a twin?! Why can’t you just own up?! Ya’ll are always asking me to own up, why the f*ck can’t you?! All of you are a bunch of ungrateful, spiteful, jealous b*tches that want the world but wont even give someone a shred of hair—“
Then it happened. This stranger slapped me. She actually slapped me. Someone who I’d just met slapped me right across the face.
The ringing became damn near unbearable. I should’ve lunged at the girl, but her following words made me freeze against my own will.
“You bastard! Don’t say sh*t when you don’t even know what it’s like to be a DBSK fan!”
Her shrilled words echoed in the still air. Unlike the chaos embarking between the two of us the hospital was relatively quiet and peaceful that morning. To my surprise no one had barged out to see the commotion.
Her words made my head slowly come up to find her throat contracting as she breathed deeply. She narrowed her eyes to slits, her hands rigidly at her sides.
“I’m not even a DBSK fan but I can’t let you disrespect the people who had nothing to do with this! Do you even know who I am?”
It was weird. Even if what she was saying had me rapt, I couldn’t really hear her. Her voice kept going in and out. I felt like a finger was plugged into each ear of mine, mainly my right one.
I was sleepy. I was delirious. Now I was hard of hearing.
But regardless, I could read her lips.
“Better yet, do you know who your fans are? You don’t even know them! You keep griping and complaining that they don’t know what it’s like for you, you don’t know what it’s like for them! You keep saying they don’t really know who you are, do you know them? Do you f*cking know them?! No! not every fan is like my sister! There are some of them who feel bad for you. there are some of them crying their hearts out because of what’s going on with you. And get this, there are some who just don’t care! Not all your fans are obsessed with you, give me a f*cking break. You’re not that great. Some of them only love you as far as your music goes, but soon as you find those type of fans you get f*cking disappointed for not being praised.
“Don’t stand here and blame the world for some things that you created! You led them on, and the diehard ones were stupid enough to follow. Don’t f*cking act like they’re all to blame. Stop blaming the rest of the world and take responsibility! Especially since you have children!”
Her words struck me hard. They hit me hard. I was nearly knocked over. Cold.
And I hated her for it. I hated this stranger. This twin that strongly resembled the woman that inflicted the love of my life.
And because of that, I would never apologize for anything.
The girl’s eyes lowered guiltily, painfully as she added, “All some of your fans asked for were some words. they just want to hear from you, is that so much to ask?”
Wiping the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand where the slap still stung, I stepped so close to her we were mere inches away from each other.
“You want to hear some words fan? Here they are…F*ck you! You hear me?! F*ck you! F*ck everybody! F*ck DBSK! F*ck LN Entertainment! F*ck Soon! F*CK IT ALL!”
Tears were streaming down this stranger’s face in thick droplets. I didn’t know why I felt like a hole was burning my chest. I didn’t know why it hurt so badly.
Whipping around, I made to leave before turning back around to find her stilled in the same position. A face paralyzed by shock with fountains of rain gushing from her wide, angelic eyes.
That’s when I knew, as the rising rays of the sun hit her glistening tears, that she was lying about not being a fan. I could see it in her eyes. The pain burrowing deep didn’t only stem from her sister. And whether she really had a sister a not, the pain was evident.
And that’s when I realized this whole fan-idol thing was a bit too farfetched. I couldn’t understand why. It was such a unique yet disturbing relationship. How could you infuse so much feeling into a stranger?
Why was I expelling my emotions to a stranger right now?
What the hell was this damn connection?
Whatever it was, I was through with it.
“Oh, and when you’re done crying,” I continued to snarl at her, “tell Cassiopeia everything that I just did and said. I’ve got nothing to hide from you guys anymore now do I? Maybe, now they’ll realize that I’m a f*cking human being. Not just any human being. One who is capable of loving an ordinary girl who pisses him off at one moment and makes me want to marry her the next. And tell them that I don’t give a damn if she’s not BoA or some famous pretty girl from a girl group or a popular drama that they ‘approve’ of. Tell them that the one that I love isn’t f*cking Yunho with some Yunjae sh*t or stupid crap like that. Tell them that her name is Mariam and that she’s my girl. And will always be. And that I will never let her hand go.” After quickly turning away from her, my eyes began to burn with this suspicious liquid that I think were called tears. I blinked them off. My throat felt tight, and I said to myself more than I did to her.
“No matter what happens…”
~0~0~0~
1 Week Later
The room was filled with smoke from steam. I dipped my body into the scalding water, my bruises burning like dried ice was being pressed against my skin. I ignored the pain.
I relished it.
During my absence, a search team went after me led by Detective Kim because they though it peculiar that I went missing the same time as Soon. I was found, unlike Soon.
Nobody knew where he was.
And I seemed to be the only person that didn’t give a damn.
I remained tight lipped about the entire ordeal. I never talked to anyone. Not even Yunho.
The only person I really talked to because I had to was Mama. I had just got off the phone with her. Seung had told her probably because he knew I couldn’t keep such information from her. She was so heartbroken and became withdrawn. I tried calling her but she wouldn’t answer. And I understood why. After a mother hears the tragic fate of their child its only normal that they shelter themselves from the world.
Motionlessly, I sat in the hot water for a long time before lighting a cigarette. Idly, I smoked until my cigarette was nearly done. By then the water was tepid. I shook out another cigarette, lit it and began to smoke it. Holding the cigarette between my index and middle finger, I used my thumb to massage my right temple. It felt so sensitive, reminding me of the frequent headaches I still suffered from after the accident.
And also from thinking about Mariam.
I found that, regardless of everything that was happen, she was the one thing that reined like a supreme ruler in my mind. Not even the lawsuit that was filed against me for hitting and running into someone’s car. That one was easily settled out of court. Money was what they wanted, so money is what I gave to get them off of my back.
Another lawsuit came from LN Entertainment officials and our establishment that had been growing in China. I’d totally forgotten about the advancement we were supposed to be making into China. I’d forgotten a lot of things in fact.
And what was so peculiar was the fact that I really…didn’t…care.
My career, the only thing I had ever known, had basically been flushed down the toilet. My band mates, who I considered my livelihood, all burned at the stake because of me. The fans that had loved me once all hated my guts.
Yet for the first time in my life, I didn’t care.
I didn’t care about anyone else but Mariam.
This was just selfishness in a different form.
Hypocrisy at its strongest.
It’s like being back in school. For four months you know that you’re going to have a big exam at the end of the semester. The advisable thing to do in order to succeed is to study every night in order to retain information better. But what is really done? Studying a day before that big test. And then failing that test—unless you’re a genius of course.
I felt as though something thorny and hot coiled around my chest, educing a pain so deep that I felt my back bowing as I curled in reaction to the pain.
She was sick.
Sick.
I began to chuckle at the oddity of it all. No, this was a joke. Seriously. God had some tricks up his sleeve. I was waiting for him to laugh with a friendly pat on my back telling me that this was all just a bad joke and he wanted me to pay for past sins.
Then I wanted him to tell me that life would go back to normal—even though the term ‘normal’ with me was definitely a stretch. I would still be Kim Jaejoong from DBSK, but I’d be more careful. I’d think of what I said before speaking to my fans, mindful that some, if not most, took what I said to heart. I would…
I still don’t know what I would do about Mariam. How could Mimi and I coexist while I was still in DBSK? I mean, it wasn’t rocket science. Nearly every celebrity maintained a relationship. Some of them built their careers on relationships. Yet I was that one guy who couldn’t get away with having a relationship other than with a guy from the same group as me because my fans couldn’t stomach the thought of me being with someone else. What the hell made me so different for crying out loud?
Why couldn’t they accept Mariam? And most of all, why was she sick?!
The situation was so…predictable.
It happens in stories, in movies. And when it does, you just roll your eyes in repugnance and either shut the TV or close the book because of how hackneyed that sounds. But...here I was, a person dealing with something that I only saw from the outside.
Not only was it predictable in a performing arts form, but its predictability pertained to life in general too. What I mean is, in such situations, you know that the victim was going to die. It is predicted. How the hell do you prepare for something like this? Do you mourn the forecasted death? Or do you force yourself to live each day to the fullest, convincing yourself that ‘hey, let’s play skip-to-my-loo, and hold hands, and dance in the radiant sun while enjoying your last days on earth before you’re taken away from me’?
Or, do you just simply not accept it? See, I’m a strong believer. And I believe that if you believe in something long enough, then it will come true. If I believed that this was just farce, that this was not true, that she was not sick, then maybe she really wouldn’t be.
My racing thoughts brought me to a conclusive notion that maybe I was losing my mind. Maybe that fall from the now demolished bike had truly sent me off my rocker.
I’d had friends whose parents or siblings died from terminal diseases. I remembered sympathizing with them, wondering what I would do if I were in the same situation. Truly though? I never thought I’d face something like that.
No one thinks about things like that anyway. Why would you?
I was being selfish again. Thinking about myself and how this situation affected me.
What about Mariam?
I couldn’t imagine what Mariam felt. First her career was destroyed, leading to her unlawful placement behind bars. Then she ended up pregnant to a guy that wanted nothing to do with her. Then she gets sick and hurt from the very people that ‘that guy’ left her for.
An inexplicable rage tore through me and I uncaringly tossed the butt of my now done cigarette aside while spitting a vicious curse. Sighing heavily I raked my wet hair away from my face and let my head tilt back to the porcelain ledge of the massive bathtub. Then I remembered my smile growing when she told me on the phone that she had thought of something like this and we had gotten into an argument because I told her adding rose petals was really stupid and wasteful. Yet now, now, I would give anything to shower her with all the white roses in the world. Yunho was the one who had snapped me out of my daze, asking me why I was smiling so foolishly. I had simply shaken my head, simply placed Mariam on the backburner of my mind like I always used to.
The fact that the tub was big and imported from an exotic antique store in Dubai filled me with even more discomfiture.
It reminded me of this wealth that I had worked so hard for. Even if I knew that the label had still robbed us of millions, I had enough to purchase pointless things like this tub of gold and the big house that I was imprisoned in. I remembered when I had bought it, a small smile had crept up my face as I thought of being in it with Mariam and her favorite white rose petals. All of this, I had run to while fleeing from the only woman I had ever come close to nearly losing my mind for.
Was it worth it Jaejoong? I asked myself. Was it really worth it?
Has all of this been worth the pain you’re feeling now? Forget your pain. What about her pain?
I started to think that maybe if I had stayed, this wouldn’t have happened to her.
But another thought crossed my mind immediately. If this illness was inevitable, maybe four years ago, I was being given a chance to be with her before it happened.
Only I didn’t take the chance.
Regardless of my thoughts, I couldn’t bear the thought of how she felt. Or how the kids would feel.
I started to breathe sharply as a fierce fire built in my chest, throat and eyes. I had tried to hold it in. I swear I did. Men, no matter what walk of life they’re from or where they’re headed to, are not meant to shed tears for anyone.
But I let twin tears creep out of the creases of my eyes for her. Then I quickly blinked them away before they fell.
The fact that we couldn’t be together all because of the world’s selfishness…
Refusing more than two tears to fall, I remained in the same weakened state. Then without even thinking of what I was doing, I started to sink further into the tub. I slid further down, letting the water mark every part of my face until I was fully submerged in the water.
Until I couldn’t breathe.
Yes. I was having a ‘pity me’ moment. I was having an ‘I can’t take it anymore’ moment. I briefly had an ‘I can’t live without her’ moment. I was waiting for my heart to stop beating. I was waiting to wake up in another world where I wasn’t Kim Jaejoong. In a world where Cassiopeia didn’t exist but another fan club just as big belonged to some other cursed five boys that were hungry from fame and making good musical art.
I wanted to wake up in a world where maybe, maybe being with Mariam wasn’t deemed so sinful.
And if there was no other world, then I just didn’t want to wake up at all.
I began to shake all over as I tried to remain under water when a sudden weight on top of me and distant wails made me flick my eyes open.
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I found Hye all drenched in water as she sat on my stomach, her small hands on her chest as she tried to shake me.
Without a second thought I shot up, panicking with my lungs wheezing as I tried to catch my breath. I nearly picked her up and placed her out of the water but was calmed with the realization that it was lukewarm by now and not hot like before.
“Appa! I was calling you but you didn’t hear me!!”
Hye, who was usually quiet, said frantically. There was a look of not only confusion, but fear all over her face. The confusion I could understand, but the fear I couldn’t.
Whether I could understand it or not, it gave me the quickest reality check I had ever received in my lifetime.
I could mop around all I wanted. Maybe there was no more DBSK answer. Maybe there were no more fans to tend to.
But there was Hye and Jin. And going out the easy way was not the option when I still had them in my life.
‘Stop blaming the world and take responsibility. Especially since you have children.’ The stranger’s words from that morning in the hospital infiltrated my mind.
All I did for several moments was stare at Hye ruefully.
Then without warning, I wrapped my arms strongly around her. Tucking the small crown of her head protectively under my chin and her cheek pressed against my chest, I held her head steadfastly with my hand and rocking back and forth slowly.
“Don’t you ever apologize for who you are, okay?” I told her in a shaky voice.
“Appa you’re hugging too tight.”
I didn’t let go. “Always do what you believe. And never live for anyone but yourself okay?”
“Oh…kay…” Hye responded confusedly even though her small body relaxed against mine eventually.
When I pulled back, I looked at her with a frown. She was still dressed.
“What made you come into the bathtub like this Hye?” I asked, realizing how much I had missed the kids. It had been so long since I’d had one on one with them. But now that I was having the chance, all I could do was mourn over their mother. I realized that in a strange, sad way I was avoiding them because they reminded me of her so much.
“Jin and I wanted chocolates. But they’re in the top drawer. And Jin broke one of the glasses trying to get to the chocolate.”
“Is he okay?” my heart was racing worrisomely.
“Yes.”
“He didn’t get cut or anything did he?”
“No. I don’t think so. But now he’s hiding under the closet because he knows he’s in trouble. But then he’s also saying that will make Umma come back.”
“Huh? Why?” why did they have to bring her up. It hurt too much hearing them say ‘umma’.
“Because Umma spanks us when we do bad things. And then when I told him he was going to get spanked by Umma, he said he was going to spank Umma back. And then when I said I was going to tell on him he started crying and hid in the closet.”
I sighed heavily, reaching for a towel from its holder.
“Dry yourself and tell him to come here so that I can give both of you a bath.”
I shook my head as I helped Hye out of the bathroom.
Once she returned with Jin I stripped them both of their clothing and had them join me in the bath. They both had smiling eyes, thinking that this was a bubble bath party. Despite everything going on around us, I forced myself to join in on their fun by acting excited because of the floating bubbles.
Deep down inside though, my heart was still racing because of what I had just tried to do.
At least it was safe to say that not everything had changed around me.
It was also safe to say that my kids had just saved my life by simply being who they are.
And so had the fan.
~0~0~0~
3 Weeks later
“This is f*cking stupid,” I grumbled distastefully in the hospital room.
Ignoring me, Yunho continued flipping through a Cosmo magazine. Quietly, he looked up at Yoochun who returned his stare before looking at a stack of pamphlets attached to the wall about health and all of that medical crap.
Junsu was frowning heavily while standing beside the bed I was seated at the foot of and Changmin quietly sat on the chair beside Yunho’s.
This is how I came to be in the hospital.
Yunho had summoned a meeting at his apartment. I didn’t show up and that fired him up. He showed up at my mansion where I watched the kids. I didn’t even hear him come in but wasn’t surprised. He had a spare key to my house. By the disheveled look he carried with him when he walked in I knew this entire thing was taking its toll on him. Giving him a lazy glance I continuously read over the letter that I had found in Mariam’s room during one of her ‘absences’. The letter she had written as her hypothetical, last words to me.
My negligence of his presence enraged Yunho. Grabbing the letter, Yunho cussed me out. His voice sounded distant and far away and I had to actually look at his lips to know what he was saying. By the look on his face it seemed like he was really yelling.
When he was done, I told him that he could kiss my ass, and that only infuriated him more. Grabbing me by the collars of the cardigan I sported, Yunho hauled me to my feet so fast my teeth clanked together. But I still didn’t react as he told me to get a grip on myself.
I did react when he told me to snap out of it. when he told me to stop being a coward because a woman who actually turned out to be a liar had left.
See, Yunho didn’t know why Mariam left. No one other than me, Seung, Mama, and Mariam knew. The tabloids basked in the glory of scandal, stating that she’d ran off with all my money. Or even funnier, that she’d hightailed it with Soon, who for the life of me still mentally bothered me with that ‘as a parent’ bullsh*t.
I knew what Yunho’s aim was when bringing Mariam up, and when I roughly pushed him away, Jin had walked into the room, crying. Crying for his mother. I snapped. And I will be honest with you. I left willingly left with Yunho for the meeting to get away from the pain that I couldn’t seem to quench in my children’s eyes.
No matter what I did or said, the kids missed their mother. It ate at me. I didn’t know what to do anymore.
We went in Yunho’s car and when we got to his place I was the first to get out, standing by the street. Suddenly, something in the clouds, I don’t know what it was, but it reminded me of Mariam. I don’t think I was exaggerating or lovesick. I don’t know. But I was suddenly bumped into hard, so hard that I crashed to the floor. My head felt like gallons of water were suddenly flushed into it and when I opened my eyes it was to find Yunho shaking me awake.
After pushing him off of me, I got up on my own, finding a man sticking out his middle finger as he sped away.
Once I was fully standing up and dusting myself Yunho let me have it.
“What the f*ck? Didn’t you see the car?!” he asked irately. What was up with this equation? Shouldn't I have been mad at him for striking me down?
“I didn’t see it.”
“Well didn’t you hear it?!”
“No.”
Yunho turned around and started to walk off, only to come to slow once again before turning around.
“Did you hear what I had told you when we got out of the car?”
“No.”
The anger in Yunho’s eyes dissipated. Without another word, Yunho dashed into the house, but just as I followed him and got to the doorstep, the rest of the members were filing out, looking at me with concern but not saying anything.
“Now what?” I asked in vexation, wary of all the moving.
“Come on,” Yunho murmured, grabbing a hold of my arm and dragging me with him.
Of course I took issue with that, but was no match for Yunho’s strength when he forced me into the car where all the other guys had gone into.
Since security was sky high, we couldn’t physically see any lurking fans, but knowing how crazy some of our fans were, I wouldn’t put it past them to be hidden in bushes and sewers. Somehow, someway, this was being taped, but I was beyond caring about things that were beyond my control.
After demanding where we were headed to the rest of the guys, Yunho simply said that we were going to hold the meeting somewhere else. I still didn’t understand what was going on when we got to the hospital. It had taken nearly forty minutes to get me out of the car. The guys wouldn’t let me walk away—which is what I said I would do if they forced me to go in—and they also refused to leave. They were so persistent and annoying that I had no choice but to succumb to their needs and go along with them.
Sure enough, paparazzi who had found us easily at Yunho’s apartment and probably from fans who had found us somehow, they were there at the hospital by the time we were leaving the car. The four of them acted as my bodyguard, even if it was apparent that they too needed body guards.
And as we went by and I saw some tearful faces from fans, I couldn’t understand why they still felt the need to touch us even after learning what a jerk one of us really was. Was it really that important? Were we? To simply want to just ‘touch’ us?
Deeming the situation an emergency, I was taken for examination almost immediately. None other than Seung’s father, Dr. Choi, was the one dealing with me. Not that it mattered any. I felt like a mouse under some sort of scientific experiment by the time they were done. When the lady led me to my hospital room, she told me that the rest of the guys requested to be there alongside me. I told her it didn’t matter to me whether they were there or not.
So now even if we were five men in a small hospital room, I’d never felt so estranged from these guys. It seemed like we were all trapped in our own little bubble. There was some sort of disharmony among us and I knew where it came from.
Mariam.
There seemed to be some sort of unspoken rule that Mariam’s leave wasn’t to be talked about. But I felt their confusion to everything emanating from them in heavy waves.
I didn’t think that I needed to deal with it either.
Hopping from the edge of the hospital bed that I sat on after waiting for a damn near hour, I started for the door.
“This is pointless. I’m out. Later—“
Just as I reached for the door handle the door swung open and there stood the doctor that had checked up on me not too long ago.
“Mr. Kim, please have a seat,” Dr. Choi offered and I rolled my eyes.
“It’s cool. I don’t need to, just make it quick.”
“This is going to take a while son, I recommend you sit,” there was something in his tone that told me this wasn’t good.
Instinct started to show its face then.
“Jaejoong, please,” Yunho implored quietly. Looking at all the other guys, I saw on their faces that they wanted the same thing. Grudgingly, I limped back to the bed on a sore leg.
Dr. Choi sat on the chair with rollers posted by the desk with medical cluster. He rolled the chair over until he was seated diagonal from me. I stared straight ahead, making sure my face showed my boredom and swinging my fine leg absently.
“Mr. Kim why didn’t you come to the hospital as soon as the accident occurred?” he asked, setting his clipboard on the counter.
I shrugged. The doctor looked at me expectantly, and when I didn’t say anything, he eyed Yunho and the rest of the crew warily before regarding me again.
Lifting his hand, he held it up against my right ear. I looked at him oddly, wondering what he was doing.
“Did you hear that?” the doctor asked.
“Hear what?” I asked him in annoyance. He’d been asking me that too much.
Dr. Choi pursed his lips with a deep sigh as he slowly rose to his feet.
“Would you like me to tell you your diagnosis personally or would you like the others to leave?”
“Doesn’t matter. The news won’t change if they’re here or if they aren’t will it?”
Instead of getting irritated from my attitude, Dr. Choi frowned at me.
“First, I will start with the mild diagnosis. Since you kept on walking on an injured leg, you worried it much more than before even with some shattered bone, so we’re going to have to perform surgery on that and your shoulder as soon as possible. Until then, I discourage too much movement or else you will worsen the problem. Just remain in the same place until the surgery is done. This means no dancing at all. I know you perform a lot but I suggest you keep from doing anything physically taxing.”
Sighing, Dr. Choi picked up his clipboard again, perusing before setting it back on the small counter and looking back at me.
“Mr. Kim you’re suffering from depression and stress anxiety. This is also paramount to the discomforting burning that you described feeling in your chest along with other symptoms, which we have concluded derive from the acid reflux that you have developed in response to always being anxious and nervous about something, whatever it is. Your levels of depression are very worrisome and I suggest you get some help as soon as possible before it spins out of control. I will suggest a therapist, Lee ChinMae. He is one of the top therapists in South Korea—“
“I’m not seeing a therapist,” I suddenly snapped. “Are you saying that I’m crazy?!”
“Jaejoong, calm down,” I heard Yunho say but ignored him.
“I’m not seeing a therapist and that’s final. And I’m not suffering from ‘depression’. What kind of prognosis is that?”
“If you don’t want to see a therapist then I suggest you take some medication. Now I know most people are very wary of anti-depressants, but the one that I will prescribe you has been tested numerous times and the statistics of its success is very high—“
I laughed sarcastically. “Are you kidding me? Medication? Me? That’s something you give to lunatics.” Getting up from the bed I started for the door again, speaking over my shoulder. “If I’m on medication then everyone needs to be on medication. Depression isn’t an illness. Everyone gets depressed. You know why? Because sh*t happens. Life’s a b*tch and then you die. You just couldn’t find anything and want to seem all important in your medicine glory by giving me some bullsh*t prognosis—“
“Besides that Mr. Kim, my other more alarming prognosis is that you are deaf in your right ear. I’m sure you have been aware of this for some time but have not approached anyone about it.”
Someone ever gave you a taste of your own medicine by dishing back what you gave out? That’s how I felt at that moment.
I felt everyone’s shock. Literally. It was like a high voltage jolt of electricity going through my body.
His words made me pause. I didn’t return anyone’s stares even though I felt them electrifyingly on me. I just remained as I stood, with my back to everyone, and my eyes on the doorknob.
“What?” Yoochun spoke up first.
I kept my head lowered.
“Mr. Kim’s right eardrum was fractured from the head trauma he suffered during his accident a month ago. Sensorineural hearing loss is what we have diagnosed him with. Based on the audiologic tests that we’ve performed on Mr. Kim, tinnitus was found as a factor in not only his right ear but both ears. Tinnitus being the constant ringing sound that one hears in their ear. A few number of people have it, and have it so faintly that they can only hear it when it is really quiet, but Mr. Kim’s seems to have been very distinct.”
Pin drop silence filled the room. Either that, or I just couldn’t hear…
“W-wait. Hold on,” Junsu began to ramble. “T-t-this can be fixed right? I’ve heard of people going through surgery and getting their hearing fixed,” he sounded so hopeful, and…scared. “It couldn’t be that bad right? He was still able to get up and move even after…”
His voice tapered off. Everyone was silent.
“Well,” I heard Dr. Choi shifting. “Physical head trauma, strong enough to render one unconscious, could result in temporary or permanent hearing damage. Now, the thing about sensorineural hearing loss is that, it is a very challenging illness to face in medicine, as it is something that is still being thoroughly researched. We don’t have all the answers to treating this type of hearing loss first because there are so many different types of hearing loss, second, because surgery is risky. But in general, any surgery is risky.
“Still, in any case the chances of sensory hearing loss being treated are very, very unfortunately slim. Restoring his hearing would be a very, very tedious, and I’m sad to say, useless thing and might only result in giving him more damage than is already done.”
More silence.
“So…what’s that supposed to mean?” Changmin finally spoke, his voice sounding distant, like he was a mile away. He was so quiet I’d forgotten he was in the room.
“I’m sorry but,” Dr. Choi sighed regretfully. “Nothing can really be done for his right ear. The situation is inoperable.”
Anyone who loves music hates silence. And I hated the silence that followed after that, no matter how distant it sounded to me.
“I’m very sorry. Based on the symptoms he gave, it seems that his other ear was damaged too, but only slightly. His hearing may be very bad right now, but it will get better as his left ear heals. Now if we don’t take care of your left ear, Mr. Kim will progressively suffer from hearing loss until it is permanent. Right now, for his left ear, the situation is only temporary which is probably why he can’t hear that well. We must take the steps to preserve whatever hearing his has remaining.”
Shock is like the devil when he’s passing.
“No…” I heard Yunho murmur, slicing the thick silence. Hearing him made me hurt inside for some reason. Turning my head slightly, from the corner of my eyes I saw him shaking his head vigorously from where he sat. “No. you’re lying. This can’t be. Jaejoong—is a singer. He can’t go deaf. I’m sorry. You have the wrong diagnosis.”
“It appears that this is something that has been gradual though, looking at his left ear we came to that conclusion. He was still going to lose his hearing at the rate that he was going. I understand the sacrifice that you all put for those shows that you do, but those sacrifices have a price. He may have not gone completely deaf had the accident not happened, but he would have lost some of his hearing. I believe this has gone on for a while but no one has been notified and it is usually steadily ignored until it is at its breaking point. The accident only sped Mr. Kim up to his.”
Even I was shocked by that bit of information.
“What do you mean?” Yoochun asked in a shaky voice.
He meant, that all those four years that I had sacrificed away from Mariam, I was losing a little bit of something of myself every single day…
“My understanding is that you guys participate in a lot of concerts where the sound is usually pretty high. Exposure to anything greater than eighty-five decibels can cause gradual hearing loss. We call this acoustic trauma. Now, this type of hearing loss is pretty common and usually temporary. It falls under the category of conductive and sensory hearing loss. For most, it doesn’t last but a few hours. But constant exposure to high frequencies of noise may result in temporary or permanent damage of hair cells in the organs pertaining to Corti. Perhaps this was something overlooked, as it is overlooked by most because people don’t usually have it so bad that they can’t hear at all. You usually just either develop tinnitus or just feel faint blockage in your ear for a short amount of time. I imagine Mr. Kim has experienced a lot of stress and probably thought he was suffering a massive headache that would go away but I’m afraid the only ear we can save from fully being destroyed is his left ear. We can give some antibiotics, but usually situations like this fix themselves and hopefully—”
Dr. Choi cut himself off when I roughly opened the door and walked out of his room, staring straight ahead of me and at nothing else.
Hopefully.
That was the word that took me out of there.
As I walked down the infamous window with the wide wall, I saw them from the corner of my eyes.
The flashes from the cameras with people huddled against the windows.
I couldn’t particularly hear them.
I snickered to myself at the absurdity of it all.
Where was she when I needed her?
Did she need me too just as much?
And why was I not surprised that I was partially deaf and still going?
I knew why.
Because after being stabbed so many times by the unkindest cut of all, you eventually stop breathing.
Therefore, you stop feeling.
And once you stop feeling, you stop caring.
And once you stop caring...
Then what?
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a/n: now now, the clues were there since chapter 42 lol