| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
It will probably be a while before I post the last chapter and the epilogue. They’re both already outlined, but, I’m still on the fence, trying to decide what way would be best to end this story.
Either way, thank you all for reading.
Ps. I forgot when I said Hye and Jin were born, so if this doesn’t correlate with what I said before I apologize in advance. I’m too lazy to go back and check lol
Chapter 45
Jaejoong
6 Months Later
“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Jiye. Happy birthday to you!”
I had weaved through the crowd surrounding the table and placed the cake with ten burning candles on it. Five for each kid.
They were summer babies.
Everyone that I knew showed up. From my adoptive family to my blood mother all the way to various members at LN Entertainment who still didn’t hold a grudge against me. With my mother being there, I noticed that she was nervous around me as always, almost like she didn’t deserve to be around me. I tried to show her that the past didn’t matter, even though I found it a bit skeptical when she asked whether I had heard from Soon. There was a nervous edge to her when she talked about Soon, but I wasn’t surprised. That guy was like night and day. Whereas there were certain people that he made very happy there were also people he scared the daylights out of.
My siblings all showed up with their kids, some of them meeting my children for the first time ever. We were all so busy with our own personal lives that moments of this togetherness could only be stolen.
Of course they’d shown me their concern earlier when the news broke out, but I’d shunned them like I’d shunned everybody.
They adored the children. Even though, traditionally, my grandparents from my mother’s side were upset that I fathered a ‘white girl’s’ children. I didn’t bother correcting them. I’d let them rant and rave about keeping our pure, Korean blood untainted and keeping it within our pristine culture. So if Mariam was actually white and actually non-Korean they would have disowned me? I excused them momentarily because I knew how hardheaded people from the old school could be. Hell, they didn’t even agree with some of the music we sang, calling it ‘black’ or ‘white powered’ music.
Whatever.
I didn’t really see the big deal.
Apparently my grandparents weren’t the only ones bothered by Mariam’s race. Most of South Korea, at least the people who cared, were. Even non DBSK fans tried to call me a ‘traitor’ and a sellout because of their insistence on what they thought Mariam’s race was. It was a bit sickening how they went about the situation. Some media raved about her ‘well-balanced’, ‘mixed’ Anglo and Asian features, stating that her face was picturesque and that she could model. Others ridiculed her for being ‘abnormal’, and when they found out that her father was half Caucasian and black, they slandered her some more for having ‘black’ in her. Others would state that ‘at least’ her mother was fully Asian with Japanese and Korean. You would think that we lived during primitive times with the prejudiced way they slandered her.
I was kind of glad she wasn’t here to endure this. To an extent, I didn’t even regret not telling the world that I was dating someone if this was what she would’ve had to go through.
It was one thing to attack Mariam but when they charged for my kids I’d lose my cool. Even in the kindergarten my kids went to, they were ridiculed for looking ‘too white’. And there were times both of the kids would come home crying that someone had told them to go back to America with their ghostly skin, wheat hair and ‘yellow’ eyes. It was hard reassuring them that nothing was wrong with them, but they were like sheep in a pack of wolves. Many times Hye asked if her hair could become black the same way her mother’s had at some point, but I told her that she wasn’t going to change for anyone and it worried me that they were insecure so early in their lives.
Gradually, things got better as far as the children adjusting to a life without their mother although they missed her terribly. My health came around too. The surgery on my leg and shoulder went well. I’d upgraded from crutches to a walking stick now to nothing at all. Whether I would be able to dance ever again was still up to question, and there was no way of finding out anyway. DBSK were on a hiatus. We didn’t know for how long.
At first, there had been uncertainty and panic. Then we realized that we really needed a break. The last time we had had a real vacation was nearly five years ago and that was with three days maximum.
In one of our many arguments when the blame started to be shot at Mariam I exploded and revealed what was happening with her. They were shocked, apologetic, and silenced from then on. The issue was no longer about DBSK, at least for the moment. They started to get concerned about Mariam, and even felt hypocritical for worrying about her when she was on her deathbed. They said that they constantly worried about me. Told me that I wasn’t the same Kim Jaejoong that they had once known.
I told them not to worry.
I no longer needed a hearing aid for my left ear and could hear relatively normal through it. I still had tinnitus, but it was a very faint sound that I forgot about it most of the time. Like the doctor had said, my right ear was gone. There was no bringing it back. When I was temporarily deaf in both ears, I had to learn what people were saying by reading their lips. I could hear, but only through muffled sounds. My checkups to the doctor revealed that since I wasn’t born deaf or suffering from any diseases I wouldn’t become mute and speech impaired. He said that everything about me would still function the same way except for the fact that I would lose half of my hearing.
What he did tell me was to be careful. Even though my left ear was healed, I still had to be meticulous about my decisions. He forbade me from doing any shows where loud sounds were available. In fact, he condemned me not to do that for good if I wanted to retain and maintain a relatively good hearing in my right ear.
I tried not to let his words get to me.
Even if I tried to tell myself that the situation could have been worse, it still made me sad from time to time to know that I would never hear music the same way again. To say I was determined to keep having a regular life was farce. It was hard. I occupied my time by completing the business marketing degree that I’d been working on for a while, having to use the web based educational system of my college to do so. Taking care of the kids also kept me sane, kept my thoughts away from Mariam. Fatherhood wasn’t all smiles and sunshine though. There were days when the kids annoyed the hell out of me but that didn’t mean I loved them less. It just meant that they annoyed the hell out of me.
As far as I was concerned, my career was over. I had no desire whatsoever to return to it, which was a first for me. A scary first. I simply wouldn’t let anything come out of it. I’d been approached by magazines for copious amounts of money to ‘tell my side of the story’, but I would steadily decline. My pain would be their gain anyway. They’d sell the story like hot cakes as if I was releasing a new bestseller other than sharing a part of my life with strangers. And it was all so very ironic how things had turned out. The very fans who hated my guts now loved me again. And get this, some of them actually forgave me, after feeling sorry for me from learning about my deafness.
Oh, not to mention the fact that everything was ‘perfect’ now that they’d confirmed Mariam was no longer in the picture.
How they found out that she was gone, I would never know. I felt they knew more about my life than I did, so I stopped asking questions of how. I didn’t even need to ask why.
Mariam’s lawyer, her distant cousin from her mom’s side, revealed that she would not press charges against the girls who beat her up. That fired me up and since I didn’t have Mariam’s contact, I’d contacted her lawyer to give her a piece of my mind.
“I wondered the same thing Jaejoong,” the female lawyer told me. “I don’t know what she’s thinking. I told her to take them to court. They deserve jail time for what they did. But she kept on saying no,” she paused before adding, “I guess this whole experience is making her turn a new leaf.”
That made me so mad. What the hell, was she trying to be a saint now? Was this her response to being ill? Letting others take advantage of her?
Once when I was walking to my car from the grocery store after taking Hye to buy some items for her project, one of the lurking media asked me what I thought about Mariam letting the girls off the hook.
I didn’t say anything, but if I did, I would’ve said that they needed to get a taste of their own medicine. I would never forgive them for such barbaric behavior.
Speaking of them, an interview was conducting with the leader of the pack. It was broadcast as part of the media circus around this entire situation. Seated beside her was her ‘twin sister’, the one whom I’d encountered that morning. So it was true. They were twins.
The one who had beat Mariam was called Yun SunJung. Her twin, the one I met at the hospital that morning, was called Yun HaNeul. They looked so alike it was a bit scary looking at them both. SunJung had given this sob story about how she just let her emotions get the best of her. How she was so stupid for what she did. HaNeul had looked uncomfortable the entire time, her eyes lowered as her sister held her hand. There was something so contrived about the whole interview that I wondered if HaNeul’s discomfort came from feeling that way too. She looked like she didn’t want to be there with her sister. Either that or my imagination was running wild.
Looking at her, I still remembered that morning. I still remembered that slap of reality. I remembered everything I had told her. Yet, unlike what I’d told her to do, I had not heard Cassiopeia cry about me being an as*hole for calling them b*tches and blaming all of life’s faults on them.
SunJung had gotten away pretty easily also because her father was one of the most acclaimed judges in South Korea, not just Seoul. I easily predicted that she was some spoiled brat who was so used to having everything her way that seeing me with someone she didn’t like was something she would not tolerate. She even had the nerve to look into the camera and address me.
“Jaejoong oppa,” she had sniffed. “I’m so sorry. Please, please don’t think that all your fans are this way. I have a few issues I must deal with. Please tell Mariam unnie that I am sorry. I simply lost control. I am ashamed. I have shamed my family and the rest of Cassiopeia. I’m sorry.” She concluded that with a deep bow as I had rolled my eyes and turned the TV off.
I could tell that SunJung was a pathological liar and nothing she ever did or said could ever redeem her from hurting my Mimi.
“She could kiss my ass that’s for sure,” I remember mumbling before rolling off of the couch and going for another beer.
Oh, did I forget to mention that alcohol had become my best buddy again? I just did it behind closed doors. The same way I revisited my occasional needs for release of tears.
“Okay guys, time to make a wish!” I told the kids with forced enthusiasm, picking Jin up and setting him on my lap as I took his seat. Hye was seated on her favorite Changmin. Yunho stood beside his younger sister while Yoochun stood with his younger brother and a lady he’d been seeing for many years—of course the fans didn’t know about her. Junsu had come for the ceremony with his twin brother and mother.
It was a family affair. And despite all of us being together, the atmosphere was just weird. But I guess a weird atmosphere is to be expected when under the bridge, everyone knows that the water is still stagnant, that the issues still linger, but also know that you still have to smile even during the rainy days, when the stagnant water keeps rising and rising.
Just as Jin closed his eyes to make a wish, Hye inflated her cheeks into two small balls before leaning in on her own accord and blowing big.
“No! Wait Hye!” it was already too late. Numerous candles went out and everyone laughed at her impatience and naughty behavior. Everyone except for Jin, who opened his eyes to find half of his candles releasing smoke thinning in the air.
“Hye why did you do that?” I asked her with a sigh while hoping Jin would let this go. Knowing Jin though…
“I just wanted to make Jin mad,” Hye answered with a candid straight face. Whereas peals of laughter left many I simply shook my head with a couple of snickers.
Jin on the other hand began this woeful cry as if he were a prosperous man unfairly stripped off of his name and integrity. We all tried to calm him down but he was not having it. He wanted his own candles to blow, which meant I had to use my lighter to rekindle all the candles. Yes, I had my lighter because I still smoked.
Big deal.
My mother from adoption helped me light them again and this time Changmin had to keep a hand over Hye’s mouth to keep her from trying to piss her brother off again for her own twisted amusement.
Soon the cake was served and everyone was happy. As the party shifted to evening, releasing a vermillion sky, I was seated on some chairs in the backyard where the party had taken place with the rest of the guys. Everyone was doing their own thing now, and they’d all admitted to me that they really did need a break. Still, they missed making music. So as to not make me feel bad, they didn’t talk about it so much and I didn’t encourage it. To be honest, I just didn’t want to hear it. It was once always my nature to care for other people’s problems, but right now the only other person’s problems who I cared about were Mariam’s.
Each day was like a ticking bomb. I would dread receiving phone calls from Seung and Mariam’s father. Since he married an Asian woman, he had to learn the language and even though his Korean was pretty poor, I got some of what he was saying. Even though he would say that the treatment was going well and that the growth of the baby was not being harmed, I could hear the fear and uncertainty behind his voice. It got to a point where I didn’t even want to hear what he had to say anymore.
As the five of us conversed while drinking from our beer bottles meagerly, I found myself looking back at my mansion, at the wide window where I used to stand and look out at the lawn. I remember wishing that a scenery like the one we were having could happen.
But there was something wrong with this picture. Something that hadn’t matched with my imaginations. Mariam was not there.
As though reading my thoughts, the butler that I had hired as a result of having to care for two children.
“Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt you all, but you have a guest at the door.”
Since we always got weird visitors, the Butler Choi would always have to let me know who was there first.
“Who is it?” I asked warily, wondering what reporter had come in search of a story. I was well prepared to tell Butler Choi to shun them away when…
“Mr. Louis.”
Electricity zapped through my insides and I froze.
Everyone seemed to have frozen. The steady chatter stopped and the only people who didn’t react like they’d been struck by lightning were Hye and Jin, who continuously stuffed their faces with handfuls of cake.
Nausea settled over me. Why was he the one here?
It would’ve made sense if he was the one I talked to over the phone since Mariam and I didn’t talk.
Mariam and I did not talk. Period. We had tried to. Once.
She had called to check on the kids. I had answered the phone. You would think that with the extensive phone relationship we’d had over the years due to my absence, that we would be experts in the art of conversing over the phone.
But we went through one of our most strained conversation yet. We were too scared to ask ‘so how are you?’
I mean what would we answer to that?
Would she say, ‘Oh, just hanging in there you know. Waiting for the day this sickness will fully claim me. what about you? How’s the dwindling career and crazy fans going?’
Was I supposed to respond with, ‘Oh just fine and dandy. They actually showed some fans on the news one day trashing our posters and CDs, stepping on them and calling us liars. Nice huh? Oh by the way, can you believe when I answered the phone, I had to switch it from my right ear to my left ear because I can’t hear? Oh I didn’t tell you about that did I? Yeah, I’m kind of sort of deaf.’
But since we couldn’t say all of that, we had remained careful. She asked about the kids. I told her how they were. That was all that was said. She didn’t elaborate on her treatment, though from the weak sound of her voice I was scared of knowing. I never told her about going partially deaf. She already had enough going on. Why tell her about being deaf?
And after talking about the kids, she had said she had to go. I had told her bye, and the conversation had ended with me feeling sad.
But happy to have finally heard her voice.
When I had tried calling her later, she wouldn’t answer, or wouldn’t want to speak to me. Her father was the one who kept me posted.
Now all of a sudden he was here, six months after Mariam had left me.
“I’ll be right there,” I replied to the butler, cutting through the thick tension that had just settled. After wiping Jin’s cake-smeared mouth, I handed him over to Yunho’s sister. When I stood up, I swayed a little bit from the weird feeling that had come over me.
“Hey, you okay?” Yunho asked and I nodded. Looking over my shoulder I looked at Mama who had wide unsure eyes.
Turning away from everyone, I left on shaky feet, hands jammed in pockets, and head uncomfortably low. There was no pretending confidence here. I wasn’t confident about anything at all.
I stepped through the backdoor, walking down the hallways where the sunset cast golden glows and dark shadows in it.
My heart beat slowed as I followed the butler towards the front door, dreading to hear the bad news I’d been anticipating ever since that cold fated day.
I saw her father first. The tall, hazel eyed man with golden hair and an intimidating build. The expression on his broken face wasn’t what made me stop in my tracks and suck my breath.
It was the almost unrecognizable person standing beside beside him.
I say almost because when I saw the hands clasped in front of that person, those very hands that had got me the very first time that we met…
I knew that it was her.