| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
There were no happy tears. There was no running to ‘the special one’ with open arms for the hug that would express all the agony of days passed.
Mariam and I just stared at one another silently.
What I saw before me was unbelievableShe didn’t look the same. Her hair was very short but still curly. She was much, much thinner than I’d ever seen her in my life. The roundness in her face was gone, replaced with slightly gaunt cheeks and hollow eyes. Her collarbones nearly pierced through skin that was much paler than usual.
Another thing a little bit off-centered about her was the huge bulge in place of her usual flat stomach.
To be honest, at that moment, there was really nothing to say.
The moment was so intense that even her father didn’t speak. I was busy taking her all in.
“Mariam?” we heard moments from the back and turned to see Jin, Hye, and Mama along with all five guys standing there. The question came from Mama.
“Umma? Is that you?” Jin asked.
“That’s not Umma stupid. Umma has long hair,” Hye corrected even though she sounded very unsure.
Mariam’s face contorted in a hurtful expression and she looked back at me as if asking for assistance. I quickly turned away from her, clearing my throat while scratching the back of my head.
By then everyone at the party was surrounding us. This was so weird. How was it that this was the mother of my children yet this was the very first time my siblings and parents alike were meeting her? It only reminded me of how wrong the situation had gone. How I could’ve handled this differently.
“Guys that’s…that’s your umma,” I murmured, keeping my gaze averted from Mariam.
“Rearry?!” Jin chirped excitedly in English—I didn’t even bother to figure out how he learned to say that—with a warm glow spreading over his features.
“Yes…” I said almost inaudibly, a tightening gripping my throat. My mind was swirling. My eyes were burning.
“Umma!!!” Jin shrieked before disengaging his hand from Yunho’s and running towards her at full speed. Hye wriggled out of Changmin’s hold. He had to place her on the phone so that she could ran to her too.
Mariam was slow in kneeling on the floor, and her dad held her arm as she did. An odd pain trickled through me at seeing her struggle so much. It was almost too painful to see her that weak. The Mariam that was always such an empowered go getter.
The kids practically slammed into her, nearly knocking her over as they hugged her with all their might.
By then the sting in my eyes was fierce and I could no longer take the scene before me. Don’t ask me why, but I spun around and quickly walked back outside, having to shoulder my way through the watching crowd. When Mama stopped me, a pleading look was all it took for her to understandably let me go.
By the time I reached the embankment of the river a safe distance away from my house, I was out of breath. And it had absolutely nothing to do with me walking fast. My heart was racing wildly. It was racing the same way that it would everytime I woke up from nightmares of the entire situation. It would race the same way it did whenever I felt uncertain about my future with Mariam and how life would prosper with the kids.
I stood watching the river, listening to its steady gurgle with my good ear. I stayed this way for a very long time, up until my feet ached and I sat with my legs folded and my knees on top of them.
It was an eternity until I heard footfalls nearing from behind me. By then the sky was a vermillion hue with one star beaming.
By the time the mysterious person sat abreast me my heart was about to give out.
There was so much to say, yet no real way to say it. There was a song out there for us to sing, but we both couldn’t sing it. There were kisses to be given, but we just couldn’t move.
We were stilled by this weird, strong emotion.
The only sound sans the lively nature about us were our breaths.
Then I heard her quiet cries. When I bravely turned to her, I could no longer fight the strong burn in my eye as a scathing tear slid down my face at the sight of her whimpering into her hands.
Remembering all those times that she was always there for me, I fought through the weakness I was feeling inside and scooted closer to her. In one swift motion I drew her frail body into my arms, where she collapsed and released a flurry of tears into my chest, clinging onto my shirt while relentlessly saying ‘Sorry’.
I bit my lip as an emotion of something between pain and gladness coursed through me, resting my head on top of hers.
We stayed this way in the twilight, the strength of which we held each other solidifying the promise that we would never let go of each other.
No matter what happened.
~0~0~0~
“It was so painful,” Mariam confessed in a quiet voice the next morning, her voice forming moistness against my chest where her head was snuggled.
We had stayed up all night. We had spent most of our time holding each other than we did talking. We'd even fallen asleep for a short time, well she had, I hadn't. I didn’t want to miss a thing. It didn't matter that the blades of grass pricked my back or that the ground was hard and uncomfortable, making my neck and shoulders stiff. We both just didn't want to move from this spot. It being late summer with a steady breeze, we didn’t need a blanket or a fan to keep us still.
We only needed each other.
I was holding her inseparably close. She lay on top of me while I lay against the grass. Ever since she’d sat beside me the previous evening we hadn’t moved from our spot. The only interruptions we’d had were from the kids. It was somewhat bittersweet all of us being together but it was way long overdue.
The party tired the kids out quicker than normal, and everyone else understanding our need for privacy had left us alone.
It was insane to me how I still felt a deep connection despite not having spoken to her for such a long time. The moment she arrived, I thought it would take ages for her to tell me about the procedure, hell maybe even years, but I hadn’t bothered her about it by not asking. Not that I didn’t want to know. I just didn’t want her to revisit difficult pastures.
Mariam had started telling me about it out of her own accord.
I run a hand over her hair, kissing her forehead to comfort her because I knew the topic was so delicate for her to speak, especially on our first night together.
“There were times I wanted to die altogether. It hurt so much. I’m glad you or the kids didn’t have to see me then. But you can see it in me now and how I look. I don’t ever want to go through that again.”
She revealed that the chemotherapy was especially hard because of her being six months pregnant. The only productive chemo that could be done was injecting medicine into the marrow of her bone. I could only imagine how painful that was for her. I didn't even want to imagine. I didn't even know what I would do if i saw her there.
“I know…”
“I’m so sorry Jae—“
“Don’t apologize.”
Mariam remained comfortably silent.
I did too.
Even though I was very much heedful of her welfare there was a question nagging at me so much that I couldn’t help myself.
“So…is it…is everything…”
“Everything is okay now,” she clarified quietly and I shut my eyes, trying to tame the strong emotion that overcame me when she said those words.
“What about you Jae? Appa told me. He heard on the news. I did.”
“About what?”
Mariam raised herself, having to use a lot of energy to do so. She looked up at me with sad eyes.
“Your ear! Why didn’t you tell me anything when you arrived when I was leaving?”
“That’s the point. You were leaving…” I pointed out softly.
Her eyes glistened and I placated hurriedly, “Mimi it’s okay. It’s not like I’m completely deaf. I still have my left ear.”
Mariam started crying anyway, shaking her head vehemently while sitting up on my lap. “No! this is my fault. I can’t take this. Music is your life. Music is your love.”
“Well it doesn’t matter anymore,” I mumbled and Mariam stiffened.
“Huh?”
“I’m done with music. I’m done with my fans. It’s whatever. That’s in the past and I’m over with it.”
Mariam looked at me weirdly. “In the past? Nothing is ever ‘in the past’ because your past affects your future—“
“Only if you let it. Let’s drop the subject Mimi. Music is out. My family is my main priority right now.
“You’re being absurd. How can you do without music?”
I sat up, speaking fervently. “F*ck it.”
Mariam’s wide, breakable eyes flew up to mine. “What?”
“I’m not a part of that life anymore,” I told her promptly and she continuously stared at me.
“I mean it,” I stressed and she still stared at me.
We stared at one another for a long while, the early birds chirping their morning greetings around us. The river still gurgling as it flowed along like time. The sun pouring a light on us as it rose.
“It’s all in your eyes my love,” Mariam suddenly said.
“What?”
“The truth. Your eyes are like shutters to what’s really inside. Fool everyone else all you want Jae, but you can’t fool me…” Mariam said quietly and I started to get nervous.
“What are you talking about?”
She stared at me a while before speaking. “You and I have learned that life is too short to deprive yourself of what you love.”
Our eyes locked and held as hers got even glassier. “Forgive them after you forgive yourself. And then start from there.”
When all I did was stare at Mariam in shock, she reached down and kissed me before struggling to get up. I helped her up.
“Come with me,” she suggested suddenly, holding out her hand to me.
Without any hesitation, I put my hand in hers.
~0~0~0~
“I used to come here every morning. I would look at the railroad when the trains had passed. The first time I learned of the sickness I actually stood in the railroad. I was waiting for a train to come and…then I thought of you and the kids. And instead of thinking about this railroad being a place of pain, I would think about running away somewhere happier with you and the kids. So I stepped off…”
We were a few feet away from the train station where Mariam used to come and go from her mother’s place to the hospital here in Seoul. We had walked for a while, and though we were both tired, there seemed to be this underlying importance leading us to our destination.
It just seemed so important.
Mariam walked to the ledge of the bridge and waved me over. With my hands in my pockets, I followed her. I followed her finger, which was suddenly pointing at a wooden, electrical pole. It was only after I scrutinized the tree that my jaw nearly hit the ground.
It was a curving that said always Jae and Mimi love Jin and Hye forever.
Mariam fingered it lightly, her eyes glistening. It was clear that her thoughts were far away.
“I know it looks silly. It's simple. I’m not an artist. I wasn’t trying to be artistic. I wasn’t trying to be deep either. I just put words together that sort of…meant something. I was trying to put my mind on something, anything other than…At first I didn’t really know what I was doing. I would come here some days and not go to the hospital because I was scared. And I hated the treatment. I hated the first needle biopsy they did, it was so painful because I was awake the entire time,” she sighed shakily. “I would stay here for hours just thinking and waiting for time to pass. Then I started to curve something. And as usual, you were in the back of my mind. So I…” she quickly wiped a creeping tear before leaning against the tree.
“The reason why I left so quickly after we returned from the resort. Well, a few days after I got the tattoo, it made me very sick. I didn’t know that it would affect my health—getting the tattoo made me get an infection. The doctor chastised me for having it done. But I felt it was worth it,” she paused for a long time and my vision became blurry as I looked at her. “It took so long for me to accept that I was sick. Sometimes I think about it and refuse to believe it happened.”
A tightening in my throat formed as she shifted her glassy gaze to me.
“I’ve lived without you before, but for some reason I…didn’t think I could do it this time…so I fought…” Mariam got chocked up and turned the other way, her back facing me. I bit my lip as pain coursed through me.
“I don’t think I could do it either.”
Yet, once upon a time, Mariam and I were the strong type of people who believed that every man came into this world alone and left alone.
Now here we were, codependent in a way that was dangerous and self-destructive. And the thing about it was, we were so in deep with each other that there was really no turning back from this point.
From the way Mariam was looking at me when she turned to me again, I knew that she was thinking the same thing.
I’ll never forget the amount of insecurity I saw in her eyes. The insecurity of loving someone so much, loving them to the point of madness. All the voiced ‘I love yous’ couldn’t match up to the look she was giving me and the one I gave her. I saw myself in those dark orbs, my expression a reflection of hers.
That’s the day when love, to me, simply became an overused word. How one look had made me realize that I never knew the depth of it, how carelessly I had told her that word, I’ll never know.
What Mariam and I shared in that moment didn’t have a definition. It was something, something I couldn’t properly grasp enough to explain until much later, yet at that very moment, it was empowering enough to subjugate soul in its entirely.
Quietly, I removed my hand, which was shaking for a reason I can’t quite understand, from my pocket and held it out to Mariam. Quickly, almost desperately, Mariam threw herself at me, grabbing my hand in both of hers, kissing the back of it, before wrapping her arms around me. I coiled my arms around her too.
“Don’t ever let go,” Mariam muffled against my neck.
I responded by holding her so tightly that I could feel her heart beating at a panicky, fast pace against mine.
Which was doing the very same thing.
~0~0~0~
When Mariam and I returned to the mansion minutes later, we found that the rest of DBSK were still there along with the kids. They, among other relatives, had spent the night.
Hand in hand, we came in through the kitchen to find Junsu and Yunho seated there. Everyone else was still asleep.
Before we even fully stepped into the kitchen Yunho rose to his feet, standing tall and straight like a soldier in the army.
“I just wanted to apologize to the both of you. As a leader of the group I haven’t really guided us properly. As your friend Jaejoong, I wasn’t been as supportive as I should have been. Mariam, as my best friend’s lover, I should’ve respected you and trusted you from the start. I should’ve known Jaejoong would never pick a distrustful liar. Please forgive me for that. Nothing I say or do will ever evoke how sorry I am, and I understand if you never forgive me, but I hope you do forgive me for what I’m about to say next.
“Both of you have been stupid. I know that everything is scary. I know that you feel your days are numbered. Mariam, I know you were scared about everything that’s been going on. Jaejoong, I know you’ve been scared too. But spending time apart crying about the situation wont fix things. Jaejoong, I know you’re worried about what will happen to Mariam, about her dying, yes I said it, but everyone dies. Does that mean we should all mop around and wait for our last days to come in agony? No. the solution is rather simple. We should be happy and cherish every moment spent together. Yeah, I sound like a script from a romantic drama from Hollywood, but what I’m saying is true. I think the two of you should stay together from now on no matter what happens,” he drew a deep breath. “And I think you should live each day like its your last whether you know your fate or not.”
Mariam and I stared at Jaejoong a long while as he caught respite. Even Junsu mirrored our expressions. Quietly, Mariam and I turned to one another. Even if we’d already figured the situation out, it was still nice to hear someone else’s side on the situation.
Especially with what he was saying.
Then Yunho’s nose began to go a bright red and he looked slightly embarrassed. Yunho was very rarely an expressive person especially with his deepest feelings. Someone had to push him to the limit.
Suddenly, Mariam wriggled out of my hold and walked slowly to Yunho and hugged him. Thoroughly embarrassed at first, Yunho returned her hug.
“Thank you Yunho oppa,” Mariam said.
Smiling, I folded my arms and looked at them.
I remember thinking that everything was going to be okay.
We’d been through everything already.
Nothing could faze us now.