| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Jaejoong
When do you realize that you love someone so much? When do you realize that love is real?
I was about to find out.
I never told anyone, but the ruckus caused when Mariam and I were going to the restaurant had messed around with my left ear. Because I didn’t have an earplug or hearing aid, the tinnitus resettled aside from me hearing muffled sounds. They were so loud. You’d think even if they knew that I was partially deaf that they’d be inconsiderate. The type of noise they surrounded me was what the doctor warned me about. I was to the point where I had to read people's lips in order to understand what they were saying.
That’s why when Mariam first told me that her water broke, I hadn’t really heard her. I was busy focusing on my food and my story. Then when I did look at her, I read her lips wrong. When I finally did get what she was saying, I was in so much disbelief.
I had been obsessing over this moment ever since she’d returned.
I never let go of her hand. Even when they put her on the wheelchair at the Emergency vestibule. As a nurse wheeled us to the destination, I held onto her hand. I stayed by her side when we were in the room preparing for our child’s birth.
I called up everyone that I knew and cared about to let them know the good news. I tried to get in touch with Seung but was informed that he was overseas on a business trip.
I was both nervous and excited. Mariam and I, along with the rest of the guys and Mama, were all waiting with her in the hospital room. We were all helping her prepare.
While we were there, everyone from DBSK apologized to Mariam, but she waved them off and told them that life was too short to worry about such things.
Everything was going okay until the doctors approached us with worries that had been hanging over their heads constantly.
Even though her water broke, her labor was beginning at a painfully slow rate. This wasn’t the only thing that worried them. Because of her previous illness, and the fact that she was still recovering, they wanted to go the safe route. They thought a c-section would be better than a natural pregnancy.
That’s when Mariam’s hand around mine tightened. Everyone in the room was silenced. The joyous mood was no longer there. The only ones oblivious were a clueless Jin and Hye. They were too busy being excited about many people congregating in the same place, which made them think that it was their birthday all over again.
“But I heard that c-sections are very risky,” Mama pointed out.
Dr. Choi, who would be working today with an OBGYN female doctor who we referred to as Dr. Lee, nodded and stated that he felt a regular pregnancy would be far more risky. From the size of the baby and the fact that Mariam’s health was still in the process of improving, the onerous task of giving birth the natural way might result in irreversible complications.
Once he said that, Mariam and I shared a look of dread, the same way you feel when you walk into school having not known that there was a massive quiz.
“But she’s going to be okay right…” Mariam’s father asked from where he stood behind Mama’s chair.
“She’ll be fine,” Dr. Choi asserted with a bob of his head.
Even though the news was dispiriting, everyone accepted it nonetheless. After everyone gave her their well wishes and said that they would see her later, I remained at her side with Jin and Hye. I hoisted them both on either side of Mariam so that they could hug and kiss her goodbye.
“Umma, does this mean you won’t be able to spank me for today?” Jin asked hopefully but naughtily and we all laughed despite the glum mood. She kissed his forehead in response before asking if he was planning on getting into anything that would make him get spanked.
Jin grinned big, showing off the gap from his newly fallen tooth which he was terribly proud of. I think he was more proud of breaking me down into giving him more money than I should have as his tooth fairy.
“Why are you so dumb?” Hye asked softly, having picked up Mariam’s brush from the nearby stand to brush her hair.
“Who are you calling dumb?!” Jin retorted.
“Both of you hush,” Mariam chided them before I could. “I want you two to be good to each other while I’m gone okay?”
“She’ll be right back though,” I added quickly. “But you guys need to be good or else no candy okay?”
“Okay. You said Umma is giving us a baby sister right?” Hye asked as I helped her down.
“It’s a baby brother, stupid!” Jin retorted fervently as I set him down.
“Okay guys, let’s go okay?” I ushered them out to Mama and Changmin who were both waiting outside the room.
Once everyone but me was out, I let out a shaky sigh and glanced at Dr. Choi. “Okay, we’re ready.”
That’s when Dr. Choi started to give me apologetic looks. “You will have to step out Mr. Kim.”
Mariam and I looked at one another again. This time with panic.
I shook my head at Dr. Choi, feeling an odd rage rise up within me.
“I’m sorry but I can’t.”
“I’m sorry but you can’t stay. Usually we allow family even when it’s a c-section, but in Mariam’s case, we’re giving her an epidural. If this had been a spinal it would’ve been fine, but in this special case we can’t. We can’t perform medical procedures especially with family watching. It may cause distractions—“
“But men hang around their children’s births all the time—“
“Mr. Kim—“
“I wasn’t there for my twin’s birth. I at least want to be here for this one.”
“Mr. Kim. Please. It will be easier for us and you this way.”
I understood what he was saying, but I just didn’t want it to be that way. When I looked at Mariam I saw that she was miserable with tears already streaming down her face. I gave her an apologetic look and tried to slip my hand from hers, she held on so tightly that it hurt. Then she shook her head stubbornly while looking away.
“No, I’m not letting go,” she affirmed as twin tears spilt down her face.
I glanced at Dr. Choi beseechingly but the rueful compression of his lips told me that this was something they had to do.
“Can I have a few minutes with her?” I asked him. Nodding his understanding, Leaning over her, I gave her a lengthy kiss before pulling back and wiping her tears.
“I’m scared,” Mariam admitted tearfully as she wiped her eyes.
I smiled sadly at her. “Yet another thing that we have in common huh?”
Frowning deeply, Mariam kept on rubbing my the back of my hand with hers.
“It’ll be okay—“
“What if I disappoint you and the kids again. What if I let something go wrong,” she sobbed quietly while wiping her eyes. Because of the leukemia Mariam thought that anything her body did, even without her control, was her fault.
I kissed her gently again before squeezing her hand.
“You won’t. Everything will be fine.” Mimi, I’ll be back, I swear.”
She gave me a trusting look. It was the first time, that after saying that I would be back, that Mariam looked at me with full trust.
We squeezed each other’s hands.
And then I let go of her hand.
Forcefully, because she was refusing to let me.
I’m sorry Mimi.
~0~0~0~
Jaejoong
Why is it the simplest things, the things we overlook the most, that come back to haunt us in the end?
I don’t know. But what I did know, is that by paying attention to what makes us bitter, by not letting go of those who hurt us, we end up losing in the end.
I was seated there with everyone else awaiting to hear the news. C-Sections were very risky and I hoped that everything would be alright.
Dr. Lee approached us, and the smile he wore on his face was enough to make all of us relieved. Pushing myself off of the wall that I stood up against, I easily approached him first.
“Everything went perfectly. You’ve got a tough wife there. Normally with people who’ve had intense chemo child rearing is very risky, but everything worked out fine. You have your self a seven pound, 4 ounces healthy girl on your hands.”
My eyes lit up as everyone voiced a chorus of their glee.
“She gave me a girl?” I asked in astonishment. A good-natured dab on the back followed by a tight hug from Yunho followed. I was infiltrated with so much happiness I couldn’t contain myself.
Yunho, Junsu, Changmin, Micky and I all roared our excitation like kings in prosperous jungles. I was so excited. I wanted to see Mariam and the baby. But they told me I couldn’t see Mariam yet. Even though she was fine, they were still running tests on her.
They directed us to the nursery where we watched her from the large window. She was so beautiful, wrapped in a pink blanket with hearts. She was slightly chubby with pale skin, and her eyes were shut. Her tiny hands clawed at the air as did her legs. I felt like I was doing the pee dance watching her from the window. I wanted to see her so badly and I expressed that to them so much until they tired of me. They were nice enough to give me a gown and gloves so that I could go and carry her.
I cried shamelessly. Not only because I wasn’t able to be there, but also because she was so beautiful. As I cradled her and looked at her, trying my best to make sure that the tears that slid down my face didn’t drip on her, I testily held a finger up against her hand.
Her puny fingers clung on immediately and I was filled with so much joy that I nearly bawled.
I knew exactly what I was going to name her.
I couldn’t wait to tell Mariam.
~0~0~0~
They practically had to drag me away from the nursery. Actually, they also had to pry my babygirl’s hands off of my finger. She had a strong grip. I was told that she didn’t cry when she came into the world. She didn’t make a sound and for a second they were worried that she wasn’t alive.
Instantly, from the way she had come in, I knew she had Mariam’s no nonsense streak—or at least how she used to be before I met her and constantly made her cry.
Speaking of Mariam, I still couldn’t see her yet. Some medical jargon that I didn’t understand. Everyone had dispersed to their own whereabouts with the promise that they would return to see how Mariam was fairing.
The kids, tired beyond measure, were taken home and cared for by my trusted butler, adoptive mother and some of my adoptive sisters. It The only people other than Mariam’s parents who stuck around were the rest of DBSK. was so nice to have them there. To share this moment unashamedly with them. I knew they were all plagued with fatigue, but they stood by my side regardless.
Unable to help it, while everyone slept with the comfort of a waiting room, I snuck away to see my newborn again after catching a few zzz’s. I was so engrossed with my face damn near pressed against the wide pane of glass that I never noticed anything around me.
Smiling happily to myself, I turned to leave and nearly tripped over my feet when I saw who was standing before me.
With his hands in his pockets, Soon stared at the nursery.
“She’s a beautiful girl,” he said. I had to lean sideways a bit so that I could read his lips better.
Wordlessly, I stared back at him loathsomely. There was no need to ask how he had found me or why or what he was doing here. It seemed like the public knew where I was going to be before I even decided to get there.
“II hear that you’re deaf now. How do you know what I’m saying?”Soon asked, momentarily looking at me.
“I’m only partially deaf. Just in one ear. Times like now I need a hearing aid. When I don’t have one I read lips.”
Pain and anger coursed through Soon’s face and pursed his lips as if too sustain it.
“Sorry for not protecting you well enough. I told you something like this would ha—“
“Don’t start. Don’t even. Quite while you’re ahead. I’ve heard enough from you.”
Soon was silenced and to my surprise he nodded respectfully.
“Never thought you’d be having children so soon,” he said after smiling sadly. There he went. Still thinking about how many millions he was going to miss now that I wasn’t in the game anymore.
He looked over at me and I broke the gaze. No. I wouldn’t look at him. Even after all this time, that innate sense of obligation still burrowed deep within me. Which explains why I hadn’t simply walked away.
“How’s Mariam?”
I never answered him. I stared at my baby girl so that I could keep my cool.
“Mariam is a very smart girl. A worthy opponent.”
“Are you serious? Don’t talk about her like she’s some villain. She never did anything to you. She used to look up to you.”
“Enemies often revere one another.”
This guy was seriously off his rocker.
“Mariam is not the enemy,” I told him through gnashed teeth.
He sighed with a regretful expression.
“I’m sorry. Now isn’t a time to make such stale jokes. What I meant to say that she’s a very strong girl. It’s unfortunate that…things have to go the way that they’re going. I was just surprised by how determined she was. You know me. I hate to lose. I really do. And I didn’t want to lose to her—“
“This wasn’t a battle Soon. Get it right. there was a time when Mariam was dazzled by you, before she really knew who you were. She wanted to get to know you as a person. She wanted to see who was responsible for DBSK. Is that someone who seems to want to fight? The problem wasn’t me. it wasn’t Mariam. It was you and your greed—“
“I didn’t tell your fans to get offended everytime you utter another woman’s name, now did I?”
I bit whatever else I had to say. Because he had a point.
He turned to face me fully. “What you have never understood is how deeply those fans believed in you Jaejoong. There is no one in the world that wants what’s best for you other than them. They would die for you. And you have shoved it in their faces that you absolutely don’t care. How do you think that they feel? Please for once, see their side. It may not be that serious to you, but think about them.”
“I’ve ALWAYS thought about them! And that’s the problem. Because of that I tell them what they want to hear. I do what they want me to do and that’s why some of them can’t let go.”
Soon and I faced off for a long time before he sighed, shoulders slumped. “I guess you will never get it. But I will try to understand your side. I only wish you would understand mine. It’s all very hard for me to accept. It’s been very hard. To see you, my son, moving on without me in your life. I’m sorry for not doing what I should have done. I’m sorry for lying to you and everyone that you love.”
“Why do you keep calling me your son?”
“I’ve always called you my son.”
“No. you started by saying I was like a son to you. now you’re always calling me your son.”
“Because I’m your father.”
I stared long and hard at Soon. At that time in my life, not much surprised me. But the reason why that surprised me, is because I realized then that he’d been trying to tell me that he was. I overlooked the fact because it was so farfetched. Yet, when I thought back on all the times he was suddenly there for me, from housing me when I was homeless to worrying about my whereabouts more than the other members, it started to make sense.
The man who had stepped up claiming to be my father wasn’t someone I kept in close contact with, not after he backed out of the court case when everyone thought he was only claiming to be my father because of my fame. I had tried to reach out to him after that, but he hadn’t seemed interested, so I let him be.
“I don’t understand,” I finally told Soon. We looked nothing alike. Then again, I was the spitting image of my mother.
“I paid him. The guy who claimed to be your father,” Soon responded to my shock.
“Your mother was getting very agitated by me trying to silence her. She said that she was going to tell you everything. So I had to keep her quiet and pay someone to act as your father so that you wouldn’t find out.”
To say I was enraged was an understatement. There were some things about Soon that I would never understand. No matter how many questions I asked him, I would just never understand.
“Why?” I asked anyway. I needed some type of reason whatever it may be.
Soon turned away from the window to me. “I gave you up because the underground life was becoming too dangerous. I had to protect you and your mother from it. I kept both of you separate from my BTK. When I knew that things were getting really bad, I had to obliterate any evidence that I had a family before they found out and hurt the two of you too. I didn’t want you to grow up knowing about that side of me. I planned on being in your life as you grew up. I’ve always watched over you Jaejoong, even when you didn’t know. When you played with the other kids in the park, I would watch from afar. When you were walking to school in the mornings, I watched over you. I was there from the time you were born. But you shunned me…”
I was not going to feel guilty. I refused to.
“So you knew that I was going to try out at LN Entertainment?”
“That was easy. You always loved music. it wasn’t hard. I was just waiting for the right time for you to show up. Getting into LN entertainment was your job. My job was making sure you got in.”
“What do you mean?”
Soon paused and sighed as he looked away. “Your talent was undeniable, but they didn’t think you had the ‘it’ factor. I believed that you did, but they didn’t. I’m sorry son but I had to pull some strings to make sure you got in.”
And the blows kept on coming. I bit my lip angrily while breathing deeply.
“Either way you would have. You were so very close to getting in that if they denied you, had you come in for another audition, you would have gotten in no doubt. But as my son, I had missed you so much. I just wanted you back where you belonged. I wanted to give you the dream that you’d always had.”
“Well what do you want now? You’ve done enough already, haven’t you?” I couldn’t believe that this was my father. This had been my father the entire time.
“I just came to say that I was sorry. That I am sorry.”
I stared at him unaffectedly. Soon walked passed me until we were shoulder to shoulder. He lay a hand on my shoulder before speaking apologetically.
“I’m sorry that you don’t know me well enough to believe that everything I do is for your own benefit son. Take care. And if you get the chance, say goodbye to Mariam for me. Tell her I said I was sorry too. She’s a great woman. It didn’t have to be this way. It was my fault for not handling the situation better at an earlier time. I could’ve prevented all of this from happening the way it did. And I’m sorry. I hope that one day, you will understand why intentions.”
With that said, Soon walked off. The same day that I found out who my real father was, was the very same day that I let him go.
But I knew that he would always play a very important role in my life.
Forever.