| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
I was busy taking a trip to the nursery once again after getting some coffee. Seeing my new baby girl made me so happy that when a bunch of girls who looked to be teenagers standing in the hallway that I was walking in waved, I waved right back with a smile. Even though my smile was a bit reluctant, they all swooned and my smile brightened as I laughed.
Whether I liked to admit it or not, I missed my fans a lot.
The sensible part of me knew that they weren’t all obsessive and hungry for my affection.
The sensible part of me always knew that I would always have a place for them in my heart no matter what happened. I guess I just needed to know when to draw the line.
“Jaejoong oppa! We love you!” one of them said excitedly.
My steps slowed as I smiled at them and gave them a faint nod and mouthed, ‘I love you too’ only for them to shriek. Then I felt a bit apprehensive, hoping that they wouldn’t take my love for them the wrong way.
“How is Mariam?! Is she okay?! Oh yes she’s very pretty by the way! Please tell her that when you see her!” one of them pointed out earnestly.
The last time I was this touched by a fan’s words was…I couldn’t even remember. She looked genuinely happy for me.
“She’s fine,” I murmured. “Thank you so much…”
“Keep working hard okay?! We’re looking over you,” the shorter one standing beside her said and I smiled reassuringly.
“Thanks for the support. Study hard in school okay?” I pointed out before using my index and middle fingers to salute them.
My trip to the nursery was cut short when my cellphone rang. It was Yunho. I answered it instantly.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“Man I’ve been trying to call you. the reception in this place is bad. Anyway, Dr. Choi came back to tell us that Mariam is fine. Mama and her dad are on the way back from checking on the kids. We know you want to see her first so we’re just waiting for you.”
“She’s up?! Omo! I have to go see her. Wait…okay how do I look?”
“You idiot I can’t see you.”
“Well, hold on. I saw a small gift shop downstairs. I’m getting her her favorite roses. I’ll be up.”
My heart was racing so fast as I raced downstairs to get Mariam roses. I had to practically dive into the elevator before it closed so that I could get down quickly. Once down I was the first out of the elevator when the doors split open and ran for the gift store as fast as possible. To my fortune they did have roses, white to be specific.
When I got her a dozen, I hurried back for the elevator but was too late as it closed. At that same time I felt a very intense vibration while hearing a very deep distant thump. I saw people around me flinch faintly and look at each other questionably.
The thumping and very short vibrating came again and this time I saw the baby that was being held by a mom start crying. When a worried patient asked a nearby nurse what that was she assumed it was the construction that was taking place across the street and everyone around us calmed down. I recalled seeing that as we sped for the hospital.
Not seeing any reason to waste worrying about construction I asked whomever I could where the stairs were since I couldn’t wait for the elevator. I had to make it to the fifth floor in record time, and time was something I didn’t have. I wanted her to see me first.
The secluded staircase was like walking into a dark cave. It was such a stark comparison to the brightly lit hospital. I was making my way up two steps at a time. I was on the flight of stairs that led me to the fifth floor. Right when i reached the top, I nearly tripped over something. The roses fell out of my grip, and I managed to catch one because the band that held them was loose. At the same time I managed to catch myself on the railing of the staircase before I fully fell.
“I’m so sor—“ I cut myself off from trying to help the person sit upright when my eyes collided with none other than Yun SunJung. Her face was wet. She looked like she hadn’t slept in decades.
I let go of her arm instantly and stepped back from her like she had some sort of disease.
“Jaejoong oppa?” she croaked out and I simply stared at her. We stared at each other for a long time before her lip started to quiver.
“I-I never thought that I would meet you. I've been waiting for this moment my entire life..."
An unnerving feeling trickled through me. I usually got happy when fans said that, but for some reason, now it just felt damn creepy.
Breaking our stare, she averted her eyes and added nervously. "I’m so sorry…”
This was so awkward. I didn’t know what to do or say. What should I do or say to the person who beat Mariam up for no reason other than being selfish?
“I—I—on behalf of all of your fans, I wanted to apologize. I think I went too far.”
That knocked the wind out of me. “Huh?”
“What I did to Mariam was not right. I’m so sorry…I never meant to…I don’t know why I did it…I don’t know…oh god…”
All I could do was stare at her. There was nothing that I could say.
“See, I’m adopted. Just like you. Me and my sister are.”
“….”
“I always felt such a deep connection with you because of this Jaejoong oppa. I know you never talk about it, but I can tell it has eaten you up inside the way it did for my sister and I.”
“What happened to your parents?” I found myself asking.
“My dad died. My mom is locked up somewhere. I love my new parents, we’ve been with them ever since we were seven years old, but there is nothing like your real parents showing you love.”
“Yeah…”
“Please forgive me for what I did. I was selfish. I wanted DBSK to myself. I wanted them for Cassiopeia. I didn’t want things to change. You guys were changing so much. I know this sounds strange coming from a stranger but…I went way over my head, thinking that you all owe us your lives. But now I understand things better. I do. And I’ve made things better also, so that things will never happen the way they used to again.”
I didn’t really know what to say because I was so shocked.
Like a broken dam, the girl began crying lugubriously. Waves and waves of tears echoed in the deserted stairway.
A part of me thought that I should let her cry. Let her cry a damn river for what she caused Mariam. But there was that thing. That thing deep within me that forced me to think of her as a fan. To think of her side of the story. But still, even then, I refused to believe that any good person would a heart would hurt someone else because of their own hurt.
My jumbled thoughts were disrupted when the girl suddenly knelt in front of me, bowing until her head touched the soles of my shoes. It was when she knelt that something cluttered to the floor, but it being so dark, I never got to see what it was at first.
If only…
“PLEASE! PLEASE FORGIVE ME JAEJOONG! FORGIVE YOUR FANS! THEY LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I SHOUDLN’T HAVE DONE IT! OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!”
I heard that through a heavily muffled sound, unable to read her lips because her head was bowed. Grabbing a hold of her shoulders, I jerked her upright to find her face stained with rivers of endless tears.
“Look, calm down—“
“No! What I’ve done is wrong! I should be punished!”
“Shh. It’s okay—“
“NO!”
“Okay...I forgive you—“ even at a time like that, I still succumbed to their every need.
“NO! DON’T!” suddenly, she started to look around and I stared at her in confusion. When she picked up something from the floor, my heart shot to my throat when I saw her placing a gun to her head.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” I shrieked, reflexively backing away. The sudden movement made me trip. SunJung backed away too, sobbing as she held the gun to her head.
“I CAN’T JAEJOONG! I CAN’T!”
“STOP IT! I SAID I FORGIVE YOU—“
“I DON’T NEED YOUR FORGIVENESS! I NEED…I NEED…”
“Look, what happened is in the past. Mariam and I are happy now—“
“THAT’S THE PROBLEM! YOU’RE HAPPY! YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN HAPPY WITH YOUR PERFECT LIFE! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE MARIAM?! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HER?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE REST OF US?!”
Her words hushed me.
I felt suddenly cold, like I’d been thrown into a winter storm.
That’s when my intuition started to kick in. Something was not right.
“HUH?!” She got aggressive. “WHY MARIAM?! WE’VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU FROM THE START!”
“…what are you talking about…”
“YOU NEVER SAW ME FROM THAT TIME WHEN I EVEN FOLLOWED YOU GUYS TO AMERICA TO SUPPORT YOU! YOU DIDN’T CARE! I’VE ALWAYS SUPPORTED YOU GUYS! I ALWAYS TRY TO GO WHERE YOU GO! I WAS THERE WHEN YOU MET HER! I WAS THERE JAE! YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOVED ME. YOU TOLD ME!YOU DIDN’T TELL ANY OF THE GIRLS AROUND US JAE! YOU SAID IT TO ME. YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM YET I’VE LIVED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR YOU EVER SINCE THAT DAY! DO YOU KNOW HOW IT HURTS TO SEE YOU WITH HER?! I’M THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU!”
“….”
“I warned her…I WARNED YOU BOTH!” she was crying now, the gun still to her head. “MARIAM DOESN’T KNOW YOU LIKE I DO! I KNOW YOUR FAVORITE FOOD! I KNOW YOUR FAVORITE THINGS! YOUR FAVORITE SONGS! NOBODY KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN I DO! NOBODY KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN CASSEOPEIA! NO ONE! YOU BETRAYED US! YOU HURT US! YOU HURT ME AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE JAEJOONG! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH?!!
Life gives you what you ask for.
Standing before me was the praise.
The adoration.
At an overflowing capacity. Like a spaceship that has sped past its limit and crashed.
This was the type of undeniable fame that I had longed for since my early days.
This is what Mariam had warned me about.
I’m sorry Mariam.
“YOU TOLD US NEVER TO CHEAT ON YOU, AND YOU WERE BUSY LYING TO US WHEN YOU SAID THAT! WHY JAEJOONG! WHY?!?!?!?!?!”
What could I say? I never meant what I said? I never meant to hurt you? I used you? It’s not that serious? It’s just a business?
What could I say? Mariam? Mariam, where were you when I needed you to tell me what to do like you always do?
“SunJung, calm down—“
“YOU RUINED ME! I’M NOT NORMAL ANYMORE!”
I thought back to my arguments with Mariam. She had said something along those lines.
“Listen, life doesn’t end here—“
She suddenly thrust the gun in my direction and I stiffened, thinking she was going to shoot me too in her own version of Romeo and Juliet.
“You created me…now finish me…”
“SunJung, stop it! Get a grip of yourself—“
“He told me you would say that…”
“What? Look, there’s more to life than just DBSK okay? There’s more to life than Jaejoong and Mariam—“
“He said you would say that too. I guess he really does know you more than you think…”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” I snapped, hoping that I had heard the wrong thing.
She corrected me right away.
“Soon. Lee Soon Yong. He’s the only one who TRULY understands my pain. He talked to me when no one else did. And now even him, you took away from me. Why Joongie…” slowly, she returned the gun to her temple slowly, her eyes looking distant yet possessed by some other force. “Why…”
I was so ready to tell the girl about herself, but I couldn’t. if I lashed at her she might lash at herself. So I kept my cool even though I was trembling all over.
“Listen to me—“
“You say there’s more to life than Jaejoong and Mariam. Yet, for Jaejoong and Mariam, that is your life. What about me Jaejoong oppa? You were my life once. You are my life. Why are you hurting me?”
“Sunjung—“
“You said that you loved us. You said DBSK forever. You said we were like your girlfriends, your other halves. But it’s okay Jaejoong, I believe that deep down inside you know where your heart really is. It’s okay, I took care of that for you. I took care of everything. Cassiopeia and DBSK will be forever now. Now that she is out of the way. We will be together forever now. Since you won’t finish this, then I will do it for you. Thanks for everything, my love—“
“NO! NO! WAIT! STOP!!!!!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!!!! I’M SO—”
I thought, maybe, an apology would stop all of this.
Too late.
The blast seemed to come a second after I saw the flash. And the blast sent a sharp pain through my left ear as I ducked and covered both ears.
I would always be thankful for clutching my eyes shut as the bullet went through her head, because I never saw it in action.
But I think the aftermath is what’s worse.
I thought it was all a nightmare. So I never really thought about it when I immediately opened my eyes. The first reaction out of me was my jaw going slack as bile rushed up my throat. The second was to turn away and hurry the other way with my forearm against the wall and my tearful eyes on it as I tried to erase the horrendous image of blood and brain tissue.
A guttural groan cannoned out of me as I hunkered down with my hands over my face, silently letting my tears fall from that point on. Using all the remaining strength within me, I dragged myself against the wall up until I reached the door. The moment I was out I slid against the door, the sole rose slipping from my fingers as I ran my face in my hands as I continuously screamed ‘NO!’
Yunho was the one who found me first.
When I felt someone shaking me I looked up to find that it was him. I couldn’t understand why Yunho was crying already. Had he been watching the entire thing from afar? But it was unlike Yunho not to stop and help. If he had seen this from afar he would’ve come to help. His reaction was the same as mine. A horror filled face overtook his features before he turned away. He had to pull me out of there. He seemed too stunned to say anything, but tears steadily run down his face. I had to laugh at myself at that moment. At the incredulity of it all. Mariam would shake her head at this. Grown men. Crying.
Mariam. I need you.
“Mariam,” I began murmuring when I magically found my voice. “I have to see Mariam. I have to—“
“Jaejoong,” tears like never before cascaded Yunho’s eyes as he tried to keep himself intact, shaking his head adamantly for reasons I didn’t know.
“No…after all we’ve been through you’re going to try and keep me away from her?!?!?!”I struggled to my feet. I failed my first attempt. Fell. Then when I got up the second time as Yunho tried to speak to me I pushed him off roughly.
“F*CK YOU!” I screamed, my mind still reeling from what I had seen. “I’M GOING TO SEE MARIAM!”
I needed her. I needed her. My god, I needed her. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to need her. I was supposed to be there for her at a time like this. She had given me a beautiful daughter. I was supposed to give her something back.
But I’m Jaejoong. And I’m selfish.
Then I realized that something was amiss. I started to pat myself in search of whatever it was. I caught a white petal on the floor that led me to the nearby rose, “The roses. The roses. The white roses.”
I picked it up with shaky fingers and started walking. And walking. And talking to myself. I had just seen someone shoot themselves. And I needed Mariam. And I needed white roses because Mariam liked white roses. And I loved her. And I loved them too. And one of them had shot herself in the head when I was looking into her eyes.
I had to see Mariam. I was losing it. Mariam was the only one who knew how to keep me sane and insane all at once.
I took large purposeful strides as I brushed past Yunho and progressed to trek the lengthy hallway. By then Changmin had shown up, the first things I noted of him the tears that glistened against the hospital’s florescent lights.
The only time I saw Changmin cry was on stage. I had never seen him cry offstage. He was crying for them.
“She shot herself. She shot herself. She shot herself,” I continued to murmur when Changmin and Yunho had stopped me momentarily. Changmin seemed surprised by this and looked to Yunho who refused to look him in the eye. As Changmin stared at Yunho is surprise, Yunho broke down a little bit. To see the usually sturdy and tall and strong Yunho breaking down was more than I could bear.
Mariam.
Mariam.
Where are you?
I didn’t think of comforting them. I thought of her. Because nothing else mattered. I wouldn’t allow myself to think of the fan either. I clutched so hard onto the rose, uncaring of the puny thorns that bit into the sensitivity of my palm. I was bleeding. I started to go for her again, but they tried to stop me.
“Jae…Jae…wait…” Changmin cut himself off when he too began to cry profusely.
“F*CK YOU CHANGMIN! MOVE! I’M NOT WAITING!” I didn’t want to linger over what I had left behind. I didn’t want to linger in my faults. In what I had caused. I wanted to go to the person that always made me forget about the outside world. The person who, even though irritated me and annoyed me all at once, gave me the greatest feeling in the world.
I wanted to get to Mariam. Even though she would remind me what I had done wrong, being with her would make me feel better.
Because she was the one.
And the one does that to you.
I fought them off. They were already too weak to hold me down. People were watching. People were video-taping.
People wanted in on this story.
But to hell with them. To hell with it all.
Mariam. Jin. Hye. And my newborn. That was all that mattered.
I would not think of the fan. I would not think of the fans. Not DBSK. Not LN. Not Soon. I couldn’t right now.
By now Junsu and Micky were there too. Micky was bawling. I wasn’t surprised to see him cry. He was always such a huge crybaby. Junsu was crying silent tears. That, I was surprised to see
I stopped momentarily to look at them all as they stood around me in tears. There were no screaming fans. There was no Love in the Ice streaming in the background. This was not a concert. This was not a celebration.
Distinct pain painted their features in such a screaming color that I could almost hear it.
“You guys want to cry for the fan? CRY FOR HER! I DON’T CARE! JUST LET ME GO TO MARIAM!”
And that had solidified the problem. I did care. Not just for her. For them all. And for the fact that it had gotten to this point.
“Ja-Jaejoong…please…wait…”
“LET ME GO!” I screamed at them and stumbled away to my destination.
My future.
I heard the soul-wrenching cries before I got there.
And on my way there, I came across a peculiar man. A man I had only seen twice in my life.
The day that Park Jung Hun got beat up. And the day I was held captive by Soon. He was the guy with a scar on the side of his face.
Even though the fedora hat he wore hung low over his head, that scar was unmistakable. He seemed to have noticed me looking at him. Because he looked up
I never heard him. But I read his lips closely and clearly.
I didn’t care for what he was saying at that time though. Neither did I care about the blood seeping through my fingers, dripping onto the floor.
I had to care about the cries that became louder as I neared Mariam’s room.
They belonged to Mama. My steps slowed when I spotted her practically being held up by Mariam’s father. He too had tears in his eyes. It was only then that I realized the rest of the guys were behind me because Junsu had quickly rushed to help lift her up.
“MY BABY! MY BABY!” Mama cried.
No. Not even Mama’s cries would stop me. Not even if I didn’t understand them.
I went for her room just as a nurse and a doctor were heading for the room. But when the nurse saw me aiming to go in, she put a hand on my chest and I glared at her, snapping immediately.
“WHAT THE john tesh IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I’M NOT ON THE CLOCK. I WONT GIVE AUTOGRAPHS OR ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS! LET ME IN—“
“Make sure nobody gets through—“ Dr. Choi was telling the nurse as he rushed in before he was cut off by a frantic cry from the hospital’s room.
Mariam’s room.
“! WE HAVE A COLLAPSED LUNG! THE GUNSHOT WENT STRIGHT THROUGH AND PIERCED A LUNG—OH MY GOD DR. CHOI WE’VE LOST HER!”
I froze. Lost her. Lost her? No. Surely, they couldn’t be talking about my Mariam.
“WE NEED TO INSERT THE TUBE NOW!”
The doctor was screaming loud enough for me to hear even though the ringing in my left ear was louder than ever before since the gunshot.
I had just stepped into the room and saw blood when someone suddenly pulled me back. It was security.
“What are you doing?” I snapped at them. My heart was racing. I prayed that that was someone else’s blood and not Mariam’s.
“You can’t go in there sir. I’m sorry. I’ll need all of you to step back please and come with us to the waiting room—“
“NO!” I negated immediately, nearly fighting them off when Detective Kim showed up.
“Jaejoong. It’s okay. Come with me. it will be okay,” I never wanted to go with Detective Kim. I wanted to go to Mariam. As he led me away, I kept looking back at everyone.
Now I understood their tears. They weren’t crying for them.
They were crying for her.
~0~0~0~
She was shot in the head and chest.
The very security guards that were holding me back weren’t there when SunJung sneaked into Mariam’s room and shot her.
Numerous surgeries had to be done because of her right lung and her head, which they successfully removed the bullet from.
But she was not responding consciously.
She was in a coma.
She had gone for a minute. She had died for a minute. An entire minute, Mariam was not alive, but they’d resuscitated her in the trauma center.
Even though I was grateful for the doctors and their expertise, I believed the true reason behind Mariam’s survival was her fighter’s instinct. She knew that I couldn’t make it in this world alone, so she came back. It wasn’t just about me or the kids either. There was still a lot for her to do. She still had a lot to live for.
But she was in critical condition.
She had a twenty percent chance of survival.
Detective Kim had the nerve to ask me about SunJung. But because he had to. Since my ear rang fiercely from the gunshot blast, I couldn’t hear anyone unless I looked at them and read their lips. All I had done was stare straight ahead, only speaking when asking when they were going to let me see Mariam. All the while two nurses tended to the deep cuts in my hand.
There was a time when Detective Kim sat in front of me so that I had no choice but to look at him. If only he knew why I wasn’t looking at anyone. I no longer had the urge to just ‘hit’ something. I wanted to kill something, or someone rather. But couldn’t even get that satisfaction.
SunJung was pronounced dead on the spot. A pocket knife and a suicide note were found in her pockets. This is something that she had been thinking up, plotting all these months. I learned months later that Detective Kim and his team had recieved complaints about disturbing comments on various websites and even though they'd been monitoring where they came from, it was hard. Each and every 'death threat' towards Mariam was written from different IP Addresses, none of them ever linking to SunJung in any way. They found their confirmation today.
So all this time, I didn't know that this was happening. All these months that were some of the happiest months of my life. I didn’t feel anything about that. For the first time in my life I felt no remorse for anyone. I didn’t feel like she deserved it, but I just didn’t feel anything for her death. Her sister and the rest of her family had shown up, crying tears beyond tears.
The fans that I had seen earlier in the hospital were questioned too, but it was concluded that they had nothing to do with SunJung. The girls that had helped her beat Mariam that time were off doing community service as compensation for their actions. The fans that were there in the hallway were true to their words.
But I didn’t care about that either.
All I cared about was Mariam. But they wouldn’t let me see her.
Detective Kim finally told me why he was here. He said that they’d wiretapped into some phone calls concerning SunJung and Soon. Those phone calls explicitly revealed Soon’s manipulative ways, he said. He continued goading SunJung to seek revenge on Mariam for stealing what was rightfully hers. He had found a new puppet to use against me.
Soon had started all of this long before Mariam and I began talking. Digging deep made the police department working on the case find out that Soon had some of his gang members start the fire that had claimed her apartment. He heard that she had just moved to Seoul from Paris where she stayed with her father. He wanted to give her a reason to go back, to be far away from me.
If it weren’t for Mariam getting leukemia and having her first fever, we might have never met again. Dae might have never had a reason to make me go see her. Mariam might have never allowed me back into her life as quick as she had with the knowledge of her illness.
I didn’t know what to make of everything.
But as I sat there rethinking everything, I remembered the guy’s name, the one with the scar on his face.
He was there to make sure that the job got done, because as I rushed down the hallway to meet Mariam, I read his uncanny, smirking lips say ‘Checkmate’.
Now Soon’s apology for not handling the situation ‘the right way’ from the beginning made sense. Now Soon’s madness and obsessions made sense. When he meant that he did not like losing, Soon meant it.
My father meant it.
I had not seen this coming. Yet, even in my state of shock, I should have. I feel as if Soon had been warning Mariam and I from the first days when we were wondering whether we were to be or not to be. I think he was trying to tell us, but even the devil isn’t that unmerciful.
If anyone had to be shot, it should’ve been me. she should have shot me instead. I was to blame.
Not Mimi.
Yunho had come to sit beside me because Detective Kim thought calling him would make me calmer.
I was not calm.
I had to see Mariam.
The doctors also said that despite having successfully removed the bullet from her head, they did not know whether she suffered brain damage or not.
They wouldn’t know until she woke up.
Mariam’s parents continuously took care of Jin and Hye, and never brought them to the hospital. I didn’t want them to be traumatized by what happened.
They advised me to go home. But I stayed. Somehow, I stayed awake. I’d spend my hours staring at my newborn in the nursery. They let me hold her a couple of times, but at some point I just broke down crying because I couldn’t look at her any longer since she looked so much like Mariam.
Two days went by. I was losing my sanity. She was still in the intensive care unit because they performed numerous surgeries on her and for all we knew, there were still more to come. Security had to come and get me at some point because I threatened to go ‘save’ her without their permission. They in turn threatened to legally kick me out of the hotel. When I went postal because of that, they gave me a shot that had me out for a couple of hours.
And by the time I woke up I was more than ready to kill them for making me unconscious while my Mimi was laying there in pain. The rest of the guys remained at the hospital with me, only leaving to persuade me to eat, drink, or rest. Mama came and went. She was shut off. When she brought the kids, me and her didn’t speak. I just hugged the kids and let them know that everything would be alright. Before she left, she gave me a hopeful look that I understood.
The fourth day is when they let me see her. Those four days were much longer and more agonizing than the four years we’d spent apart.
I demanded to be the first one to see her. It just wouldn’t work any other way.
When they finally let me see her I stood frozen at the doorstep because of what I saw before me.
It was like stepping into a trance when I saw her. My heart stopped along with my entire body.
Willing myself to calm down, I finally galvanized into closing the door soundlessly behind me before shoving my hands in my pockets and walking up to the foot of the hospital bed.
When you loved someone, you found them beautiful no matter what they did. They could be smothered by slime and still encompass a type of beauty that you never found in anyone else.
That’s what I thought when I saw her. She was still the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Her hair was cloaked by a thick, white bandage. Her features were not serene. She was grimacing, as though she was fighting. My heart did a nervous vault at the frightening thought that she was fighting not to rest in peace.
When my heart started beating again it rushed rapidly like it was trying to escape a captor. My mouth went arid as I stared at her. It was unbelievable when once upon a time I thought I would never see her again.
“…Mimi…” I murmured her pen name through strangled breath. My throat tightened like a fist closed over it.
Guilt began to attack. Had all of this been my fault? Was I being selfish thinking that all of this had something to do with me? Or was it just my overactive conscience reminding me of how I’d heartlessly jilted her?
Moving at a snail’s speed, I dragged the plastic hospital chair and sat to her right. Her chest rose and fell with every short breath that the ventilator and respirator helped her take.
She was on life support.
My eyes imbibed every inch of her even though the pale blue sheets went up to her midriff. My last stop was at her hand.
That was by far the most unchangeable thing on her, except for the tattoo on the inside of her wrist.
I smiled softly, bitterly to myself, thinking about the incredulity of it all, “You still have the most unimaginable hands…”
I didn’t know what time of the day it was, whether the very sun that I had said was us was rising or setting. I no longer cared. I just never left her side.
Gently, I touched the delicate skin before aligning our palms and interlacing our fingers. I clung tight and closed my eyes as all the emotions she gave me rioted through my body. Just like that, everything that I had faced in life up until that point faded into a forgotten part of my mind.
The touch of our hands transgressed me to the past.
“You remember the first time we met? Not the conference. When we met here, after four years” I found myself saying to her despite her unconsciousness, “I held your hand like this. Back then, I was hoping you would wake up, but now I know that you will. I believe in you that much.”
I run the pad of my thumb over the smoothness of her hand, “To tell you the truth I was a bit scared of you when we first started talking again. Okay, a bit is an understatement. You scared the sh*t out of me. Cause you know how you are,” I said with a reminiscent smile, “You don’t hold your tongue for anyone. You’re not dainty and sweet—you tell it like it is. But I wonder if coming back ruined…”
I swallowed hard as I recalled the last time we were together. How I had hurt her. How I had turned away from one of the best things to ever happen to my life.
“I ruined us…and I’m sorry…and I know you hate me when I apologize but…” my husky voice tapered off when guilt damn near suffocated me.
“I’m sorry. And I’m thankful. Cause our new babygirl is precious. She’s the most precious thing. She looks just like you….”
I felt so bitter as I said those words that my eyes stung, “That guy who gave them to you is one lucky bastard…”
I raised my eyes to her slumbered face, “I wont be fine without you. Not even if there are fans, or friends, or family. I wont forget about you if you leave. So leaving isn’t an option okay?” I swallowed hard again.
Sighing shakily, I closed my other hand around hers and brought it to my forehead and closed my eyes.
“I’ve asked you for so much Mimi. I know I have. But all I need is one more chance. You said you weren’t giving up. You promised. You said you weren’t going anywhere. I was holding you to that. You can’t just leave me. Please.”
I pressed the back of her hand against mine before pushing it against my forehead, “I said I would always wait for you in the beginning. You just came back Mimi. Don’t walk away again…”
And that’s exactly what I did. I waited and waited.
“I never thought things would turn out like this…” I said to myself with mirth, feeling something within me die down. When I glanced at a prone, unresponsive Mariam, I felt hot tears stealthily creep up my eyes but staved them off my resting my eyes on the arm of the hand that held hers.
I held on tight.
And never let go.
I never fell asleep. I couldn’t. I was relying on Mariam. I thought that if I talked long enough, then she would come back, she would come back like that fan that was in a coma that came back after hearing DBSK’s voices. Tears stung my eyes again and I began to rock slightly as I waited.
The sudden stiffening of around my hand jerked me out of my slumber into alert. Instinctually, I looked at Mariam’s, only to tense up just as she had.
Mariam’s dark eyes were dull. There was no light in them.
There was no fight in them.
“Mimi…” I breathed on a shred of air, infiltrated with more hope than I’d ever had in my life. At the whisper of her name Mariam’s eyes widened and glistened.
I held my breath in a confluence of anticipation and apprehension because there was no telling how things would turn out from here. No, I knew how things would turn out. She would make it. Mariam was a fighter.
Just as hope flooded within me, tears started streaming down Mariam’s temples as a little bit of life slipped into her eyes.
I pushed the button beside her bed that would summon the nurses, never once letting go of her hand. They arrived, but by the time they came back, Mariam had slipped into unconsciousness again.
Mariam continuously slipped in and out of consciousness. The surgeries were announced as successful. She had made it passed the critical phase. Her survival rate had risen from twenty to fifty percent.
My Mimi had a half and half chance of living.
I knew Mariam well enough to know that she would make it.
The doctors told me that this was a good sign and continued to check up on her. She was taken off of life support. She no longer needed help breathing. She was making it. By the seventh day, the percent rate of her survival improved by fifteen percent. The weight on everyone’s shoulders was lifted.
On August the 11th, as I was sleeping on her lap, something stirred me awake by a gentle squeeze in my hand, waking up instantly. I never fully allowed myself to sleep, even if by then I was delirious. I only ate when forced to by DBSK and other family that had arrived, and also to have energy to stay awake. I only left her side to give a phone call to the kids and check on my newborn and also to bring her new white roses.
But when I woke up that day to Mariam staring at me with tears in her eyes, I felt that something wasn’t right. The look made something deep down inside of me dim. Frantically, I looked up at the EKG habitually. Something wasn’t right. I stood up instantly when the numbers
“I’m going to call the—“
Mariam squeezed my hand as if to stop me, despite being immensely weak. I paused from leaving to stare at her.
Even though her entire face was motionless, her eyes held the most life that I had ever seen. But it was what they held that cut me deeply.
They were apologetic. She started to breathe deeply. The deeper she breathed, the more tears fell.
I started to shake my head firmly. My own tears returned to my eyes. I felt something strange while looking back at her.
“No. no apologies,” I murmured to her warningly. “We’re going to make it damn it. Stop looking at me like that.”
The tears gushed and gushed as she simply stared at me. My own tears began to fall.
“Mariam hold on! HOLD ON DAMN IT!” against her wishes I punched the button to call the nurses. I also picked up the phone and dialed the emergency number.
Her breaths became irregular, sounding like sandpaper. Mariam continued to give me that apologetic look as she cried silently.
The deeper she breathed, the harder I cried. Her lids began to lower. The light in her eyes in began to diffuse.
“STOP!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” When her eyelids finally shut, her last tears slid down her temples and the medical devices continuously signaled that something was going terribly wrong. I couldn’t understand though. They said that she was going to survive! They told me that she would make it.
“WAIT! MARIAM! WAIT! I’M HERE! I’M HERE! PLEASE! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!” Even though her eyes were closed, she was still breathing, although her breaths were shallow and came after long pauses. I nudged her gently to try and get her to open her eyes.
But there was something about the look that she had given me that let me know that this was really the end.
It was the love at last sight.
I collapsed back into the seat, the left side of my head against her elevated chest because of the upper risen part of the bed. I cried on her and I held her. For being too late.
And never being on time.
Except for this one time. Because the moment I laid my head on her andI got to hear my dream come true’s last heartbeats.
The nurses and doctors were in the room. For some reason, they didn’t touch Mariam, even as the EKG read a flat line. They didn’t do anything but watch understandably.
Eventually the doctors came to disconnect her from the EKG and any other tubes, but I never left her side.
Once everyone eventually left, I continuously stayed there. Eventually, I joined her on the narrow bed as best as humanly possible. I snaked my arms around her shoulders with her back against my front.
I buried my face in her nape to drown out everything else around me, and also to pray that by some miracle, I would hear her heartbeats again. Then I blindly reached for the hand where I knew her tattoo was and pressed it snugly against mine where I knew that the key and the lock were pressed inseperably close against each other. I remained this way with her for so long, for so many hours, that the doctors and nurses stopped coming over to check up on me. On us.
“I’ll never…let go…” I whispered feverishly against her cold skin where my last tears were shed when I closed my eyes, laying in a pool of pain with my one and only, in the quiet dark.