| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
thanks for reading! Sorry for the errors or if this is too long (usually when i edit i cut things out to make it shorter) but i'm in such a hurry i'm late for work hehe
OH YEAH ONE MORE IMPORTANT THING! Deigratia pointed out something very important. i changed Xiah's name to Lee Soon Yong because making him Xiah confused people and made them think I was talking about Xiah Junsu (though when i do refer to Junsu he will just be Junsu anyway)
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Jaejoong
It was like stepping into a trance when I saw her. My heart stopped along with my entire body. During the long pause of time, I tried to figure out what to do. To stay? To leave? Either way, my feet were implanted to the floor and I couldn’t move.
Willing myself to calm down, I finally galvanized into I closing the door soundlessly behind me before shoving my hands in my pockets and walking up to the foot of the hospital bed.
When you loved someone, you found them beautiful no matter what they did. They could be smothered by slime and still encompass a type of beauty that you never found in anyone else.
That’s what I thought when I saw her. She was still the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Her features were so serene—something that was uncommon for Mariam when she slept. My heart did a nervous vault at the frightening thought that she was resting in peace. Those thoughts were instantly thwarted from my mind soon as they took form.
When my heart started beating again it rushed rapidly like it was trying to escape a captor. My mouth went arid as I stared at her. It was unbelievable when once upon a time I thought I would never see her again.
“…Mimi…” I murmured her pen name through strangled breath. My throat tightened like a fist closed over it.
Guilt began to attack. Had all of this been my fault? Was I being selfish thinking that all of this had something to do with me? Or was it just my overactive conscience reminding me of how I’d heartlessly jilted her?
Moving at a snail’s speed, I dragged the plastic hospital chair and sat to her right. I took in her minor changes. Her face was much thinner than I remembered and much paler too. Her chest rose and fell with every short breath that she took. Medical tubes run up the nostrils of her round nose. Her hair, which I hadn’t remembered as jet black, fell listlessly in contrast against the stark white pillow.
My eyes imbibed every inch of her even though the pale blue sheets went up to her midriff. My last stop was at her right hand.
That was by far the most unchangeable thing on her. The very first parts of her I’d noted when I’d first met her.
I smiled softly to myself, thinking about the incredulity of it all, “You still have the most unimaginable hands…”
I sat there and watched her like she had some magnetic energy that made it impossible for me to look away. It wasn’t until Dae returned to the room that I snapped out of my thoughts.
“Hey,” she said with a feeble smile as she closed the door behind her, “You look tired.”
I sought the clock to find that it was well into the afternoon.
“I hadn’t even realized that I was here that long.” I said.
“Do you want to go get some rest?” she asked as she advanced into the room and took the other chair, sitting it opposite me.
“No that’s fine.”
“She still hasn’t responded.” She said with a frown with her gaze towards Mariam. My gaze followed hers.
“No.”
Silence settled in the room as we both looked at her, both lost in our own thoughts. It had to have gone on like this for ten minutes or so before Dae put a cessation to it.
“You’re probably wondering how I knew to call you, right?”
I glanced up at her with shock unmasked.
Still looking at Mariam, she smiled softly, “She told me. I know the two of you have been together at some point and time.”
My shock was evident in the quiet that went through. This gave Dae room to fill me in some more.
“We met at the bank that I work in. She told me that she’d been affiliated with you one day when we were at the mall and there were life-size posters of you guys everywhere we turned in the mall. By then we were really lose friends so it wasn’t unnatural for her to say something so random.”
I was astounded, but there wasn’t really anything that I could say about it.
Dae laughed gently. Never once taking her eyes off of Mariam, she rested her elbows on the outskirts of the bed before intertwining her hands and resting her balled chin on it, “She was furious for some reason. I think it’s because I said you were so handsome it was a sin. And then Mariam began to rant about how you probably had plastic surgery. About how you weren’t all that great looking. About how she’d seen guys ten times better.
“Then I remember joking around asking why she was so uptight. And I said, ‘Wow, you’re acting like he did something bad to you’. Her body language was so weird after I’d said that. She looked at me like she was hurt. Now I don’t know if you’re aware, but no offense, you have some pretty crazy fans who act like they know you personally.
“Despite some of them being adults, some of them think they own you guys. So for a moment, I thought she’d was one of those crazy fans. And when she surprisingly started telling me that you two had history together, I really thought she was insane. But you know what they say about insane people, act like you think they’re normal and listen to what they have to say, which is what I did. The more she talked, the more believable and unbelievable her story became. I really contemplated cutting our friendship short cause I thought she was off her rocker—I mean, how many fans of yours claim to actually be with you? But, there was a sincerity to her story that…couldn’t be acted out.
“I’ve been around entertainers and fans alike long enough to tell the difference between reals and fakes. A fake fan would beautify their story, embellish it with stories of other fans hating her, being showered with jewelry, going on trips to Miami, being friends with all of his celebrity friends. But there was a certain pain marked in what Mariam told me that seemed so believable. And even as she talked about the two of you, there were many things she said that I could tell she wasn’t proud of.”
Dae paused and finally raised her eyes to mine, “She even told me of how you left.”
I turned away from her to the door. I couldn’t even look at Mariam’s face, whether she heard us or not, as I recalled the ruthless way I’d hightailed out of her life.
“She even had proof to back up her story.”
“What proof?” I asked, looking at her curiously. Dae’s eyes suddenly skittered away from mine as she run a nervous tongue over her bottom lip.
“That’s really not my place to say. Anyway, I believed her eventually. Since we were close by then, I told her how I had tried to get into LN Entertainment in the past but had failed.”
“You had?”
Dae smiled ruefully, “You don’t remember me, but I remember you during the training days. I think we all knew that you would make it because you were so handsome.”
I felt discomfited by her words, nearly rolling my eyes. And I reacted this way because she was right. Often times I was told because of what I looked like I’d been accepted. It didn’t matter that I had a little bit of talent in the singing department. I mean, it mattered, but sometimes I felt because of what I looked like some people never took me seriously. But that’s another story.
“I never made it though because I was too fat. I could never lose weight.”
“I knew that you looked familiar but, I’m sorry. I can’t really remember you.” I said with stigma warming my face. I’d get the same stigma if we were at a sign in and a fan would ask me if I remembered them from the last sign in. I hated to make them feel like we took them for granted because we couldn’t remember. There were just so many of them though.
“Oh, I suppose it’s because of the plastic surgery that I’ve had. I don’t really look how I used to.”
It didn’t surprise me that she’d had plastic surgery. Nearly everyone in the Asian entertainment industry had gone under the knife. It was a sad epidemic, but it was a popular and true one. I don’t think things were going to change soon.
“By the time I’d made my physical transformation, I’d passed the age mark. They told me that I was too old and that no one would ever buy my music.”
I really hated the marketing portion of this industry. It vacuumed out all the art and creativity.
“So why do you still work for them if they’ve rejected you so many times?” I asked and she laughed after being shocked.
“Wow, Mariam wasn’t lying when she said you’re blunt.”
“Sorry…”
“It’s okay. I like that. Um, well LN Entertainment serves a lot of opportunities for its workers. In terms of entertainment, it’s one of the only truly successful ones in all of Asia, a monopoly if you will. I figured once I get my foot in the door, the opportunities would be infinite. This way, networking will be much easier for me.”
“What branch of LN do you work in?” I asked.
“The promotional sector. I’ll just help spot new talent while trying to have some artists produce some music that I work on. Female producers have it hard though, I’m coming to learn.”
I nodded in understanding. My main train of thought kept on leading to Mariam though and what I had put her through.
“How did you and Mariam manage?” Dae asked abruptly, “I know what your schedule like is and, boy, let me tell you, you guys have my utmost respect. I don’t see how you even have enough time to breath.”
I smiled faintly, “To be honest, I really don’t know how we did it as long as we did. But it wasn’t easy.”
Dae nodded before surging to her feet, “You want to go get some coffee? I know I’ll be here all night. I could really use some.”
“No it’s fine. Thanks.” I didn’t want to leave her side until her eyes opened.
I heard Dae’s quiet footsteps as she left the room, “Jaejoong oppa?”
The sound of my name made me turn away from Mariam to look at Dae who stood inside the threshold, “Everything will be okay. Mariam is a fighter. You know she doesn’t back down for anyone or anything. She’ll pull through.”
I gave a conceding nod and watched as she left before turning to Mariam again. Moments later Dae had returned to tell me she had some phone calls to make in hopes to find out if she’d be able to miss yet another day of work, thus leaving me alone with Mariam once again. By then night had fallen. The clock latched atop the door said it was half past ten. I’d only moved for two bathroom breaks and was exhausted. Even then, I didn’t feel the need to leave.
Gently, I touched the delicate skin before aligning our palms and interlacing our fingers. I clung tight and closed my eyes as unearthed emotions resurrected and coursed through my body. Just like that, work, all the stresses I had brought with me, faded into a forgotten part of my mind.
The touch of our hands transgressed me to the past.
“You remember the first time we met?” I found myself saying to her despite her unconsciousness as I chuckled, “I was looking at how your fingers were unwrapping the food that they’d put out for the artists and staff. I know you always call me silly for this but you did it in such a way…I couldn’t look away. See, I’d always had this infatuation with hands, and it was like I’d seen these beautiful hands that I’d always imagined in my head. It was almost like a dream walking into reality.”
I run the pad of my thumb over the smoothness of her hand, “To tell you the truth I was a bit scared of you when we first started talking. Cause you know how you are,” I said with a reminiscent smile, “You don’t hold your tongue for anyone. You’re not dainty and sweet—you tell it like it is. In fact when we started talking there a time I really loathed getting your phone calls. But I’m glad I never turned away. That would’ve been the biggest mistake of my life…”
I swallowed hard as I recalled the last time we were together. How I had hurt her. How I had turned away from one of the best things to ever happen to my life.
“But I did walk away…and I ruined us…and I’m sorry…and I know you hate me when I apologize but…” my husky voice tapered off when guilt damn near suffocated me.
“I can see that you’ve been fine. Your kids are so cute. Jin?” I laughed, “I can imagine your annoyed face as you deal with him. The other one, I think she’s called Hye, she’s like a princess.”
I felt so bitter as I said those words that my eyes stung, “That guy who gave them to you is one lucky bastard…”
I raised my eyes to her slumbered face, “I would do anything to take his place Mariam. I would. It’s killing me though. You’re tied to someone else forever. Is this how you felt with me and my fans? My career? If so, I’m so sorry…” I sighed heavily, “I haven’t been fine. Well, I have, only because of the fans, friends, and family. But I never forgot about you. And damn me, I couldn’t,” I swallowed hard again, “It’s so unfair when someone has such a strong hold on you—or when you let them. Please don’t think I forgot about you. I never…I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. I just…didn’t know what to do…”
Sighing shakily, I closed my other hand around hers and brought it to my forehead and closed my eyes.
“I know I’ve asked you for a lot but, please come back to me. I know this is selfish of me but I just need you to give me one more chance. Please. Don’t give up on me.”
I pressed the back of her hand against mine before pushing it against my forehead, “You might’ve not waited for me, and I don’t fault you for that. But no matter how long it takes, I’ll wait for you. I’ll always wait for you…”
And that’s exactly what I did. I waited and waited until dusk. By then Dae had returned and waited with me. I was so relieved when she told me Seung had agreed to stay with the kids the entire time. And it didn’t matter if he wanted to come to the hospital, all the roads were blocked with heaps of snow.
The meteorologists had just let us know that a blizzard was well on its way through Seoul, so we were all snowed in for the better half of the night.
During one of my bathroom breaks, I used the receptionist’s phone to call Mariam’s mother since I’d practically left my cell phone LN Entertainment headquarters. I wasn’t calling her mother because I’d wanted to panic her but just because it was the right thing to do. As a parent I wouldn’t want to go on with my life not knowing whether my child was okay or not. Her daughter’s condition overrode her surprise from hearing from me. I told her that because the roads were blocked I would do my best to keep her informed.
“I never thought things would turn out like this…” I said with mirth, feeling something within me die down. When I glanced at a prone, unresponsive Mariam, I felt hot tears stealthily creep up my eyes but staved them off my resting my eyes on the arm of the hand that held hers.
I held on tight.
And never let go.
I only realized that I had fallen asleep when I stirred and cracked my eyes open to a pale blue night. The first thing my eyes came in contact with was the strong junction me and Mariam’s hands created. Rousing awake slowly, I drowsily run my fingers through my before resting my head heavily in my hand. My heavy eyelids lifted weakly to find Dae curled up in the opposite chair, leaning on her side as she slept. Poor girl. She looked so uncomfortable.
The sudden stiffening of around my hand jerked me out of my slumber into alert. Instinctually, I looked at Mariam’s, only to tense up just as she had.
Mariam’s dark eyes shimmered as she stared at me in mortification.
I reflected her expression as I stared back at her, my heart shuttling to my throat.
“Mimi…” I breathed on a shred of air. At the whisper of her name Mariam’s eyes widened and glistened, and her bottom lip convulsed faintly.
I held my breath in a confluence of anticipation and apprehension because there was no telling how things would turn out from here.