| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
i guarantee things will pick up after this chapter now that their meeting and confrontation is out of the way. Please dont give up on the story if it's become bland lol but i promise it gets better after this.
Thanks again i wish there was a better way for me to express my gratitude to each and every one of you.
Chapter 8
Mariam
The next time I woke up it was daylight. I found out from Dae, who was still seated beside me, that the doctors had given me some pain killers to help ease the fever.
I was feeling much better this time around when I woke up as opposed to the first time. I was also a bit relieved, yet disheartened to not find Jaejoong there. Yes, that was hypocritical and spoiled of me, but I was too exhausted to try and understand my emotions.
When I awoke Dae rushed to tell the doctors, who returned and let me know the prognosis. The good news was that my body temperature had gone down to a normal degree. The bad news was that they would keep me in the hospital for another day.
“We still don’t know what caused the infection.” The doctor explained.
“Okay. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” I asked, pushing the plate of stale soup away from me along the bed tray.
“Well, I can’t really say right now. Sometimes with fevers detection of the infection can be very difficult to find. We’ve been running tests but have yet to find anything substantial.”
“Is this something I should worry about?” I asked.
“No, because the problem is slowly fixing itself. It looks like you’re slowly recovering with the pain killers we’ve given you. We’ll continue to run tests but don’t be alarmed if we don’t find the cause as this is common.”
“So can I go home yet?” I asked hopefully. Despite feeling better, I was still very weak.
“Not yet. I’ll keep you on bed rest for another day just to make sure you’re as good as new. Then you can go home,” his bespectacled eyes sought the window, “The roads haven’t even been cleared yet. And they said it would take another day. So I guess you’d be here either way.”
“Oh that’s just great,” I murmured sardonically before catching my attitude and smiling coyly at the doctor, “Thank you so much Dr. Choi. I don’t mean to complain. I really appreciate all the work you and your staff have done.”
“We appreciate you getting better. Now you just get your rest. If you need anything, anything at all, just let us know.”
After he left, the nurse who had been kindly tending to me returned with painkillers intact. Once she relieved me of the bed tray as she left, I let my head sink into the feather pillow and looked out the window. The wild flurries of snow had resorted to rain and sleet. I sighed to myself. It was only two weeks before Christmas. I’d made a point to always make Christmas holiday memorable for Hye and Jin. I hoped that I would recover soon enough make this Christmas be unforgettable for them as well.
It was as though my thoughts summoned them because soon the door creaked open and bustling in were Jin wand Hye. Following close behind were Dae and Seung.
“My babies!” I cried as they ran up to the edges of the bed, tiptoeing with attempts to shin on.
“Umma I missed you!” Jin chimed as Seung helped him up while Dae hoisted Hye.
“Oh I missed you both so much.” I pecked them both on the cheek, bracing their trunks in my arms while they sat at my sides.
“Jin broke Dae’s plates.” Hye, the rare speaker said with earnest while fingering. Goodness she looked so much like Jaejoong whenever she spoke with those innocent eyes.
“Hye! You’re such a tattle tale!” Jin griped at his sister.
“Dae is this true?” I asked her forlornly and she waved me off.
“Don’t you worry about it.” she said despite my heavy frown. She knew I’d pay her back for it regardless.
“How are you feeling?”
My eyes sought Seung at his question. His dark hair was tousled and his eyes were red blood shot. It was apparent he hadn’t slept in a while.
“I feel fine. Thank you Seung,” I said with a soft smile, “I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”
Seung smiled a covert smile that left me flustered beyond my understanding. I infused my attention on my children as they blithely recited their daily activities for me.
“He wouldn’t let us out.” Jin lamented. He’d wanted to make a snowman and didn’t like Seung too much for not letting him build one.
“It was storming outside Jin.” Dae explained.
“I like storms!” Jin said defiantly.
We all laughed, Seung ruffling Jin’s head affectionately. His affection transported to me when his strong fingers combed through my hair cupping the back of my head. My head kinked back and I gazed up at him, a bit surprised by his affections.
“I’m really glad you’re okay,” his thumb massaged my hairline while the others soothed my scalp, “You really had me worried.”
All I managed to do was give Seung my best appreciative smile, panged with a mixture of relief and shock when his hand fell away from me. It was when I was about to accommodate Hye who begged for my attention that I accidentally saw him, Jaejoong, standing by the ajar door.
It was when our eyes mistakenly crossed paths that he tore his pained ones away from me and strolled off.
“Dae told me that you and him are friends,” Seung caught what she’d been staring at and said, “When I saw him I didn’t even know he was the guy from DBSK. Howcome you never say anything when his on TV?”
The good natured smile on Seung’s lips did nothing to alleviate the irritation I felt from his question.
“I feel so bad for him. The nurses are already stalking him.” Dae said with a faint chuckle. Thank goodness for her stepping in and saving me from answering. Still her following comments weren’t all the better.
“They are?” Seung asked.
“Yeah. They swear up and down he is who he is even though he says otherwise. Now they’re practically following him, asking for autographs, asking him to sing, asking who he’s here for. I hear some security had to go as far as to cordon the hospital exits to make sure paparazzi don’t stream in and out. Some managed to get in and were flashing pictures of him. They are so relentless and crazy even when there’s a snow storm they’re unstoppable.”
“Why doesn’t he just leave then and save a lot of people the trouble?” Seung asked.
“Guys I’m feeling really tired. The doctor gave me more painkillers to help me rest. They’re making me terribly sleepy.” I announced, wary of the conversation at hand. I didn’t like Seung’s tone and I didn’t like hearing that people were bothering him. Their inconsiderateness to him reminded me of the guilt I’d feel whenever I thought that while he wasn’t around me his life was peaches and flowers. It reminded me that his fame came with a price. I did not want to pity him for a second.
Both Seung and Dae were kind enough to take the kids for some lunch. I would be in the hospital for another day before they released me. Before long I capitulated to the drugs and got lost in a deep slumber. By the time I woke up night had fallen. The clock stated a quarter past six. I reached for my phone to check on the whereabouts of my children only to find out that they were at Dae’s home with Seung caring for them while Dae run some errands. He promised that once she was back he’d be back at the hospital and I swallowed my pleas for him not to show up. I then called my mother and told her that I was fine and that she didn’t need to face the treacherous weather to come see about me. Of course she was defiant and said she would be here come rain or shine to make sure I was fairing so that was another battle I’d lost. Sighing tiresomely I lay the phone on its cradle. It’s not that I didn’t like Seung. I just didn’t want to deal with anything remotely emotional at the moment feeling as spent as I did.
Despite all the rest I’d accumulated I was still exhausted. It must have been the drugs that lingered but even that didn’t lessen my need to use the bathroom. It was adjoined to my room. I pondered how I would make it there as tired as I was. There was a button that could signal a nurse to assist me, but it was far too embarrassing.
So amassing all the strength that I could, I strove out of bed, latching onto the silver pole that held the plastic IV bag with the white cord attached to me. With strained baby steps I made it to the bathroom and relieved myself. By the time I was returning to my bed I was taxed of energy that my limbs began to quake.
“Mariam?” the sound of my name made me look westward to find Jaejoong at the doorway. Despite my physical fatigue my heart leaped in something between dread and relief at the sight of him. Then the relief was expunged at the horror that I was naked beneath my hospital gown, which was exposed at the back—a view I’m sure he could see clearly if he stepped closer.
“Are you okay?” I asked, standing unsurely with one hand on the doorjamb and the other on the knob. The spasms of weakness that shook my body made it too hard for me to hold onto my pride and chase him away. I felt like I’d collapse at any given moment.
“I feel…so weak…” I pitifully confessed, unable keep me from summoning assistance. In a flash of lightning Jaejoong was at my side, looping my unchained arm over his broad shoulder.
“It’s okay. I wont let you fall. I’ve got you.” Jaejoong said casually even though the words’ effects on me were anything but casual.
“What are you doing out of bed anyway?” he asked, protectively clipping the curve of my waist with his strong hand. I damned the electrical rush that went through me to his touch. I decided it was just the tremors of weakness going through me and not emotions enticed my his closeness.
“I needed to use the bathroom.” I explained in a diminutive voice filled with shame.
“You could have asked for help.” He said as he guided me to the bed. Our bodies were so close, too close for comfort. His warmth hibernated by my side. His touch was hot, nearly singeing the threadbare material away. The heady scent of his addictively pungent cologne stirred my nostrils, beckoning me to inhale more and more of this masculine scent. My heart rattled nervously against my chest.
My insides rioted confusedly. A human’s simple touch should not make another feel like this—especially someone I disliked. I disliked him, right?
“I can make it from here.” I said tightly when we were at the edge of the bed.
“No you can’t.”
“Yes I can. Now let me go.” I said with asperity. At first Jaejoong held steady but when I cut my eyes at him like he had a death wish he pursed his lips together in discomfiture before slowly easing me off of him. With my hands flattened atop the firm mattress to keep me pivoted, I thought of how to climb. Lifting my leg seemed like such a chore and I’ll be damned if I did it when Jaejoong had a naked view of my back.
Pushing the thick black frames of his glasses up the bridge of his thin nose, Jaejoong watched keenly, only heightening my shame.
“I’m fine. You can leave now.” I said, coding for him to leave. The hurt look in Jaejoong’s eyes was too much for me to bear. Why did I feel guilty? I had done nothing wrong. No one had asked him to return. This was all his fault, not mine.
“Mariam, you can barely stand.”
“I don’t need you.” I seethed and Jaejoong’s lips set in a firm line once again.
“I know you don’t need me. It’s clear that you don’t. But right now you do, or else you’ll fall.”
“So you think you’re my night and shining armor and I’m the damsel in distress that’s supposed to wait for you to sweep me off my feet.”
“I wouldn’t mind doing that right now.” He said with a teasing smirk that fit his features too well as he slid his eyes down my frame.
“Cut the crap. Get out of my room.”
“Until you get on that bed, no.” he said it with that innocent, adorable face of his that I just wanted to claw off. I used to die for that look. Now that look made me want to kill him.
“What were you doing outside my room anyway?” it was getting hard standing. I was heaving all my strength on my arms, which began to shake while slowly wilting to my tired bones.
“I’d been standing against the wall for a while and heard you struggling in here.”
“So you were stalking me?”
“I was checking up on you, but if you want to get technical, then yeah.”
His honesty galled me and made me grit my teeth. Some things hadn’t changed I could see.
When Jaejoong suddenly strode forward I was caught off guard in panic and slumped.
“Don’t touch me.” I admonished as he approached, my heart racing faster and faster, “I’m not playing with you. Jaejoong if you touch me I’ll kill—“
Before I knew it my feet were swooped off the floor as I was effortlessly hefted in Jaejoong’s arms. He grunted as he lifted me, possibly caught off guard by my weight gain. Having twins didn’t exactly leave a woman with the svelte figure she’d once owned.
Once he’d planted me on the bed I did all I could not to hit him and thank him all at once. All I did was show my fury through an icy glare sure to put Antarctica to shame. Of course Jaejoong had that adorably clueless look on his face as he shoved his hands in his pockets and stepped back.
“I won’t say thank you.” I resorted to childish banter.
“That’s fine.” He said, completely unbothered by my failure to thank him.
“I can’t believe you just did that.” I said.
“Sorry.”
“If you say the s word again…” I grated. Jaejoong simply walked to the window, leaned against the wall beside it and looked outside. A sigh puffed out of his chest as he eased towards the wall some more as if to hide from something.
“Why wont they leave me alone.” He murmured.
“Who?”
Jaejoong glanced my way shortly before returning to face the window with a small shake of his head, “No one important.”
Robbed of energy to figure out who I let his words go and found myself lost in staring at him. It wasn’t fair how good he looked in glasses, or how good he looked in anything. Regardless I found myself reregistering everything about him since his absence. The hat that he’d been wearing earlier was nowhere to be found though. His dark brown hair fell heavily over his forehead, lightly brushing his dark brows. His eyes were still wide as ever, his nose still narrow, and his lips still lusciously full. He had one of the most symmetrical faces I’d ever seen sometimes I wondered how real he was. He seemed a bit more muscular than before but not overtly so. He was still tall, still handsome, and still looked like he had it all.
I was engulfed with bitterness.
“You have beautiful children.” Jaejoong said as a woolgathering, distant smile curled his lips while he reminiscently looked out the window.
His mention of my kids suddenly sent my alarms soaring, “I-I know. They’re my everything.”
“They have your father’s eyes.”
My cheeks grew hot and my heart began a panicky race.
“And they have your skin.”
But that was all they had from me. Everything else that they had was Jaejoong’s and I began to wonder if he’d taken note of this. I honestly hoped not.
I remained silent and from there the conversation about my children went flat. Among anyone, I never hesitated to gush over my children. I was never a presumptuous party to talk about myself for hours on end but about my children I shamelessly did. They were the core of my life. In my eyes everything orbited around them. They came first before even I did.
I would never let anyone harm them. I felt traitorous with the thought that not even Jaejoong would harm them when I knew that he was not a harmful person—but emotionally that was a different story.
During my stay at the hospital I had pondered telling him that they were his. But when I remembered what I had gone through, I couldn’t fathom my children experiencing that tremendous pain. So I stalled. And all of this was just so sudden. I had never planned on telling them.
As far as my children were concerned they did not have a father and he was dead.
“How did you get off your busy schedule to come here?” curiosity had killed the cat and I asked.
“I got suspended.”
My featureless stare probed him to continue.
“I’m on probation for driving while drunk.”
“So you came because you had nothing better to do.” I asked, feeling hurt against my own will.
“Huh?” his lips parted and he looked my way.
“If you’d had a show to do, or a fan meeting, would you have showed up?” the quiet way in which I asked showed him how serious I was. Jaejoong’s eyes slowly feel ponderously before he raised them back to mine.
“Yes.” he said with a nod.
“Took you long enough to answer.” I said spitefully as I turned away so that he wouldn’t know that tears had rushed to my eyes.
“Mariam I never meant to hurt you.” I heard him say.
“I don’t care what you meant to do.” I said before swallowing hard.
“I was selfish and immature. I was thinking about myself. About my future. But you have to believe that this was a dream I’d wanted so much. I couldn’t let it go.”
“But you let me go.” Damn it! I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t want him to know that it still hurt. The wound was still fresh. It still stung.
“ And I was stupid to do so and I regret it.”
“Are you?” I asked on a frail whisper, tear bags ready to fall, “Are you sure you regret it? Just a year ago I heard you and DBSK made history snagging up the biggest deal any boyband ever has. Not too long ago Dae told me you made history yourself being the first Asian to land the top spot as the sexiest man in the world. You have more money than the last time I saw you, more fans—“
“More problems.” He cut in, finally showing an emotion on his face for the first time since we spoke--agitation. If someone wanted to rub Jaejoong the wrong way, all they’d have to do was talk about his profession and his fans. You’d be sure to get a reaction out of him. I knew that I was being unfair and a trifle immature for riling him incessantly but the hurting part of me wanted him to suffer. The stubborn part of me wanted to reel him in with open arms and hold him close and tell him that life hadn’t been the same since he’d left.
“Oh I hate it when you stars talk like your lives are so difficult. What problems could you possibly have?” I snarled, “Oh let me guess. Poor Jaejoong can’t handle all the love from the fans. It’s just so overwhelming sometimes. He also can’t handle all the money because it’s too much for him to know what the hell to do with—“
“You don’t know what it’s like until you’ve walked in my shoes the same way I don’t know what it’s like for you because I haven’t walked in yours.”
“And whose fault is that?” rage began combusting in me, “Yours or mine? I could’ve known what you were going through if you had stayed Jae. I was willing to. You could have known what it was like for me if you had cared, but obviously you didn’t. So you coming here is a waste of time. It’s pointless. You remember what you had told me? You have nothing for me. Well, now I know what you mean. I now have nothing for you. No love. Nothing.”
Sadness pulled into Jaejoong’s eyes, which proved too penetrative thus forcing me to look away. No matter how much I forbid myself not to feel guilty for my merciless words I felt bad nonetheless. He deserved to be told these things, didn’t he? What kind of fool would I be to accept this spontaneous visit he gave due to his free schedule?
“My coming here wasn’t pointless,” Jaejoong spoke with resolve, and I caught myself before I could turn to look at him, “You woke up, and you’re going to be fine, so it was anything but pointless. “
“Go away Jaejoong.” I said, my voice thick with tears. I refused to let the tears fall. Still I kept my face averted from his even when I heard his footfalls near the door.
“You may have given up on me, and I understand why. But even if I want to, I can’t give up on you for the simple fact I can’t let you go,” when my shoulders stiffened, he added, “I’m sorry but I can’t.”
“You’re an idiot. Don’t tell me such foolish things.”
“It’s the truth.”
“I don’t care.”
“I know. But I do.”
“Leave me alone.”
“If it’s what you want, I’ll try. But, to be honest, I doubt I’ll be able to, but I’ll try if you hate being around me so much. But I just wanted to say as painful as seeing you again was, I’m glad I did. I know it’s my fault. I probably have no right saying this but I…I was afraid I would never see you again.”
When the door shut and latched a tear was crept out of its hiding place sliding openly down my cheek.
Drawing my knees up I coiled my arms around my thighs, where I buried my face and let the tears fall.
They were tears of sadness and joy all convoluted in one because I’d feared I would never see him again and the smallest fragment of me was glad that he was still one with this earth.
I hated myself because of this.