| Fan Fiction |
by whitefoxbuns
This love felt like a small cut on my heart. It begins like a pleasurable throb that heightened along with the thumping beat. A soft smile grazes my lips and I remember when I first confessed to him. Was it really a confession? I remembered my moody outburst on a Friday afternoon when Ji Yong’s fan service skill was way more hyped than normal. That day we had a photo shoot, he pulled me into a closet telling me to play along with the Pd. That was what I did and later in the back seat of the car I whispered to the sleeping form on my shoulder what has been carving my heart all along.
“Hyung… did you know that I always wanted to have at least one day with my heart fully intact?”
That night was the night I couldn’t forget because for once I gave up and allowed him to pull my heart along with my sleeve into his room and onto his bed.
No it wasn’t a confession, not from me…not from him. We both had wanted it to happen. Just like that I caused an injury on my stupid self. Just like that we started a routine of bitter affairs. I am where he would come and go whenever he pleases. It was always the ‘you get yours and I’ll get mine’ kind of way.
I could have never considered that it was a mistake. It was more similar to a mutual agreement between two people and one would end up regretting it later. Although my conscience had told me that I could not and will not get anything from him and that I should stop before I sink in any deeper but somehow my heart was the object that led me to this fault. I couldn’t remember when or how we end up like this. Like those times when he walked out on me after a fight, or those times when he avoided my gaze, my touch. It only happens if he was the one initiating it. Like now…waking up in the middle of the night, my fingers seeking a lost heat and finding a dent on my side of the mattress.
This still hurt like those times.
From the outlook everything seems fine. I tried my best not to show my vulnerability, not to anyone and especially not to him. Didn’t I say it was an agreement? He didn’t want any ties and so did I. But now…every day, every thought he plagued and it really is tearing me apart. I say I could be falling back into my slumber but instead I’m lying on my side staring at the moon high outside my window.
I owned it to him for turning me from a boy to a man and for giving me taste of first love. It was very unfortunate that it is not sweet but instead bitter. Who would have thought the little maknae has lost his innocence to the band leader, or who would see that he is now hopelessly in love with that same man. A one sided love and I am stuck between commitment to myself and to my heart. It took all of my will not to break down and cry whenever I’m at the receiving ends of Ji Young’s coldness and isolation. But whatever it was that made me angry it also made me passionately more in love with him.
The only time we see each other eyes to eyes, soul to soul and body to body is when he comes in quietly, body silently asking for me, is when things turn hot and heavy and leaving me passionately wanting more. And he did all he would, knowing what I want, taking breaks and we go at it again. It’s like the purpose of us is only that and it’s the only thing that is keeping him and me together. Before, between but not afterward…hot sex.
Thinking about it got me all hot and bothered, and I really don’t need this right now. He would often leave right after but sometimes he would stay until I fall asleep, so I tried not to, I tried to linger as long as I could to be with him, body even though our hearts are not. This really sucks. I bite my lips feelings his taste on my lips wearing off mixing with the pain.
Cursing silently because my teeth grazed harshly on my lips, I turn and stare at the clock, at least the neon digital light doesn’t make me feel depress. I always thought the moon is beautiful yet really sad at the same time. Perhaps she is also in love with someone she could never have. If someone was to ask me why I fell for him I could never answer. There wasn’t any answer for such this love because it is what I had felt then and still now. G Dragon, why did he choose to be call such thing? It sounds so western, so different and so impersonal, at least to me…it wasn’t that name that I called whenever he brought me to the peak, it was Ji Yong and it was beautiful.
I relieved a heavy sigh…closing my lids forcing my head and heart back to sleep. That is the best thing I could do for right now and for later; the best thing I could do is to give back in return for his smile, his look, his touch yet where is his love?