Fan Fiction |
by sileNt_rOse
A distant voice called out to her. It sounded oddly familiar. Suzz frowned. Wake up? I AM awake. Why would that person ask me to wake up for? She shrugged and continued walking. She could barely make out a thin ray of light far ahead. Maybe it’s the end, she thought in relief. The tunnel was longer than she thought, and she was getting tired. But now, with the light beckoning on to her, she quickened her pace. The music she heard earlier gradually became louder, and seemed to fill the tunnel with its harmonious melody.
Do you want to go back? A sudden voice boomed throughout the tunnel. Suzz stopped dead in her tracks. She looked around her. Although she cannot see the speaker, she had a faint idea at who He is. Answering His question, Suzz shook her head.
Don’t you have anything to say, or any last wish? The voice asked. Suzz shook her head for the second time. No, she replied firmly, and then she hesitated. Wait, there IS something she have to do, but… Suzz couldn’t put a finger on it. What is it… what is it?
Go, my child… go back and say farewell.
Farewell? Suzz asked timidly.
Yes… say goodbye to him. Say goodbye to him. Say goodbye…
“Goodbye… goodbye.”
Jay’s eyes snapped open. Suzz’s fingers twitched in his grasp. “Goodbye… say goodbye… to him…” She stirred slightly, muttering something inaudible. Tears blurred his vision. “Suzz!” He hugged her fiercely. “Suzz, you’re okay!” Suzz gave no response. She seemed to be repeating something about… goodbye. Jay’s heart nearly stopped beating. “What goodbye, Suzz?” He asked sharply, yet with despair.
“He… he asked me to say goodbye to him.” Suzz fluttered her eyes open when she finished her sentence.
What Suzz said made no sense to Jay. But he was relieved to see that Suzz was conscious. “Suzz,” he said softly, squeezing her hand. “Suzz, say something.”
The bright light blinded her for a moment. She closed her eyes and slowly opened them again, adjusting to the white light that contrasted greatly with the darkness of the tunnel. She heard her name being called out. An image came into sight. The features were distinctly familiar, but Suzz couldn’t recognize who the person was. She blinked several times. The blurred vision came into focus. Suzz stared at him, trying to remember.
“Jay.”
Jay looked up, his eyes glistening with tears. In the midst of silent praying, he heard his name. He gazed into those beautiful eyes of hers, horrified to find the love he used to see in them replaced by confusion. The mischievous twinkle in them was fading away, and in its place there was tiredness that seemed to make Suzz looked older than she actually is. Yet, Jay found something else, something positive. In her eyes, he saw hope. Not that Suzz had not have faith in herself, but it was the kind of hope that comes from someone who have reached the final decision after overcoming many obstacles and challenges. Where he or she have found freedom in its purest and truest form, and can finally let go and fly, free from life’s misery.
You have to let go of her, let her choose her own way, Jay told himself, hugging her cold body tightly, all the while holding their gaze, as the realization of reality sank in. She’s going to leave him. Tears blinded him for a moment as he struggled to talk. A soft whimper escaped his mouth, nothing else. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he fought to hold back his tears, and reached out to touch her face. “Don’t go,” he whispered hoarsely. “Don’t say goodbye.”
Suzz could barely make out his words. She felt cold, very cold. Shivering, she realized in horror that her lower body felt paralyzed. Although alarmed, Suzz felt the odd sensation of welcoming it too. Just a few more minutes, she told herself, and I’ll be free from pain. Ever. She was suddenly aware of droplets of water dripping onto her cheeks. Tears. She turned to face him. Of course, she thought, suddenly sad. Jay, she must say goodbye to him.
Memories began to fill her mind. Vividly detailed images of the past flooded her thoughts. In one hauntingly serene picture, Suzz was observing Jay carefully. He was standing by one of the windows. In the music room perhaps, Suzz thought. The curtains were pulled open slightly, letting in a weak stream of sunlight. Jay was looking out of the open window, a wistful look upon his face. Sighing softly, he walked towards the great, forlorn piano at the corner. He pushed the lid up, and sat on the chair. It creaked slightly under his weight, and then remained silent. Jay gazed thoughtfully at the keyboard, lightly touching the keys with the tip of his fingers.
Overwhelmed by the peaceful tranquility of the scene, Suzz didn’t notice anything unusual at first. Thinking that her mind was replaying memories of the past, Suzz suddenly realized that she hadn’t seen Jay in a posture like that before. But, she tried to reason with herself, it had seemed so real, and, and… by watching him, I felt distant, as if I’m not even there. A chill ran down her spine. Maybe I’m forecasting the future, she thought grimly, a future where I would have no part in. She read it somewhere before, that most people can predict and see premonition during near-death experiences. I wonder if that’s the same thing with me, she thought, except that I wouldn’t have the chance to tell people about it.
“Jay,” she mumbled, looking up at him. His eyes were moist as he answered her. “Suzz,” he spoke softly. An unfamiliar pain filled her as Suzz watched tears rolled down his cheeks. He’s crying, Suzz thought, her own eyes filling with tears, he’s crying for me. She had never seen him cry before, obviously, because guys aren’t supposed to cry in front of girls. In spite of the sadness that she felt of their fate, she was touched. “Don’t cry,” she said, barely above a whisper. Mustering her strength, or what was left of it, she reached out to wipe his face, her hand trembling slightly.
Jay held her outstretched hand tightly. She seemed so fragile, so delicate, that a gentle breeze could have taken her away. He blinked back his tears. “Are you okay?” he asked, trying to keep his lips from quivering, not wanting to let Suzz know that he really was scared deep inside. “You scared all of us just now, fainting like that.” He forced a weak smile. “Don’t ever do that again, okay? I’ll go call the ambulance now. Wait for me.”
He started to get up. A shadow of fear crossed Suzz’s face. “Don’t leave me, Jay,” she begged, pulling his sleeves. “Stay here with me,” she added, almost childishly. Jay positioned his left hand under her. She’s shivering, Jay thought, and leaned in closer.
Suzz smiled softly. So, she thought to herself, this is how it felt to be in his arms. With him close to her, she felt a sense of security, knowing that nothing can harm her as long as he’s with her. Suzz breathed in the masculine scent of his after-shave, savoring the lingering smell, letting it fill her lungs. She was very much conscious now, but for how long she do not know. “I’ve came back to say goodbye,” she said quietly, remembering the almost-surreal trip in the tunnel, and knew it wasn’t just a dream. It’s time for her to go. She felt Jay staring at her, and expertly avoided his eyes. If she looked into them once more, she might not be able to say what she must say before she leaves. “Suzz,” Jay’s worried voice began. “Rest, okay? You’re…”
Suzz shook her head, cutting off his sentence midway. She took a deep breath. “I’ve came back to say goodbye, Jay,” she repeated. “Because I’ve got to go.” This time, she mustered her courage to look at him.
“You’ve got to go?” His voice rose in disbelief. “Go where?”
Now he seemed positively alarmed. Suzz closed her eyes. “To a place where the music soothes the soul and cleanses the mind… where the air is rich and sufferings are unheard of.” Suzz knew she was rambling nonsense, talking gibberish, yet she made no attempt to stop, picturing and imagining the final destination the way she believe it is. With her eyes still closed, she continued softly. “I’ve almost reach it, but He told me to come back to say my good-byes.” Slowly, she opened her eyes and looked up. “That’s why I’m here. To say goodbye before I leave,” she explained, carefully observing his reaction.
Fear gripped him. Jay opened his mouth, wanting to say “you’re hallucinating” to her, but closed it again. The calm expression in her face told him whatever he needed to know; that whatever she was saying is real. The realization of harsh reality painfully sank in. She’s leaving, Jay thought wearily, she’s really leaving. After years of physical torture and mental torment, she’ll be leaving this place for another, above beyond the skies, where she could look down upon him. But it would be so unfair, Jay thought, biting his lips so hard till he could taste the metallic tang of blood in his mouth. They had only met not so long ago, and their love for each other bloomed only just recently. Now they have to be separated. It’s so unfair, he cried; at least give us a chance to let this love bloom. And… and…. What about the operation Suzz’s supposed to take by the end of this month? How can she just leave like that without even TRYING? The doctor said she have at least a year left. Why go now? Jay felt like screaming.
Suzz gazed curiously at him. Inner conflicts seemed to be filling his mind as seen through his troubled eyes. His eyebrows knitted together in concentration, his lips set into a thin, straight line. Suzz watched him for a moment, painting the way his eyes reflected the light above in her mind. She grimaced and stirred. A pain shot up through her body. The numbness had reached a part of her right hand now. She panicked, trying to move her fingers in vain. Now that she was in his arms, she didn’t feel the urge to leave, yet. Wait, she thought, let me stay here a little longer. She looked up. Jay was staring blankly at something distant. “Jay,” she called out to him.
Her soft voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Jay looked down. Suzz’s face was pale now, a deadly white. Her once-rosy lips were turning purple, her eyes, dreamy. A lump formed in his throat. She’s leaving, he thought numbly. Suddenly, a flame of anger flickered in him. She’s NOT leaving me, Jay thought. God is NOT taking her from me. Her place is beside him, not up above with other angels. I may be selfish, Jay thought fiercely, but if she’s to go, my life will be meaningless.
“Suzz,” he said suddenly, his voice returning to normal, though it wavered slightly. “Rest for a while, okay? Your parents have called the ambulance. The doctors will be here soon. Don’t you worry.” He wanted it to sound calm, but to his own ears, it was unconvincing.
Suzz shook her head slightly, which took up a lot of her energy. Jay wanted to comfort her, and she was grateful of that. But something in his tone told her that he also did not want to accept fate as it is. “I’ll rest later,” she said softly. Jay’s expression remained the same: cool, unassuming. But Suzz could see through the mask, just like she did so many times. He is afraid, afraid to let go, she thought. “I’ll miss you,” she said after a moment’s silence where Jay gently stroked her hair, her voice suddenly cracking with emotion. Tears brimmed in her eyes. She blinked them back, focusing on Jay. Before Jay could say anything, she continued, whispering. “I don’t want to go… but I have to.” Suzz bit her lips, wincing as her fingers on the left hand began to numb. “It’s my time, and I have to say goodbye.”
Jay’s hard expression crumbled, and he felt tears streaming down. “Suzz,” he said hoarsely. “You can’t say goodbye; you can’t.” He shook his head, and kissed her hand gently. “You have to go for an operation, remember?” he reminded cheerfully amid tears. “You’re going to live forever, Suzz. With me,” he added, choking, his words rasping from his throat like sandpaper.
Suzz smiled weakly. “YOU are going to live forever, and with somebody else. I’ll watch over you from up there, and be your…” A tear rolled down her cheeks. “… angel.” Jay was shaking his head, trembling as he mouthed “no” over and over again. Suzz closed her eyes, suddenly hearing the pleasant music again. This time, she could easily make out the words. Beautiful voices were singing. Angels, she thought, and soon, I’ll join them. “Will you remember me?” she asked suddenly, wondering at what Jay will answer.
Jay gazed at the beautifully sad face. He gently caressed the side of her face, looking deep into her eyes. “I’ll always remember you,” he forced the words out, knowing that he had lost the battle, and had to watch Suzz slipped away from his grasp. At least, he could tell her how much she meant to him. The flower-ring suddenly came to him. He reached his pocket and pulled the velvet box out. Suzz was staring at him curiously as he opened it and showed her its contents.
“Wow,” she managed to whisper, appreciating its beauty in silence. “Is that for me?” she asked earnestly. Jay nodded, and took it out. He slipped it into her fourth finger on the right hand, and it fitted perfectly. “It’s beautiful,” she said in awe, deciding to leave out the fact that her fingers cannot feel anything out. Looking up at him, she smiled. “Thank you.”
“Thank YOU,” Jay replied quietly. “For being what you are.” Suddenly, the dam of emotions opened, and words began to pour. “You made me realize that life’s worth living even if you’re all alone. You taught me how to open up my feelings, and not to bottle everything inside. You made me see how music can influence one’s feelings and that talents need to be nurtured to be able to bloom. But the most important thing is,” Jay paused, choosing the words to express himself. “you showed me the true meaning of love.”
Suzz stared breathlessly at him, momentarily forgetting of the numbing pain that was gradually spreading to the other parts of her body. Did she heard him right? Maybe he meant love as in friendship, Suzz thought sadly, an overwhelming feeling of disappointment washed over her. Unwilling to let Jay see through her, she managed a smile. “Really?” she began cheerfully. “You made me sound like an angel –”
“Because you are.” Jay interrupted her, clear determination in his tone. Suzz blinked. Fresh tears began to cascade down her cheeks as his words sank in. Jay stroked the side of her face softly, wiping her tears away. “Don’t cry,” he crooned to her. “Angels don’t cry; they sing.” Suzz stopped crying, and looked up at him. “I’ve never told you, because I’m afraid… afraid that you might turn away from me.” Jay paused, cradling her face in his hand. “But it doesn’t matter now. You’re going to go anyway.” Jay turned away, unable to look into the depth of her eyes. “All I want to say is,” he dropped his head, continuing quietly. “I love you.”
Suzz was rendered speechless. She stared at him, allowing his last words echoed in her mind as they repeated themselves over and over again. He loved her…? A smile played on her lips. She burst out crying and laughing, ignoring the numbness that was creeping upwards. All she cared was, Jay loved her. He had said that himself; the words coming out directly from his mouth. Suddenly, tears blinded her vision. Laughter died on her lips. Solemnity and seriousness replaced the joyful feeling she had a moment ago. Jay turned to look at her curiously. Their eyes met, and Suzz held the gaze. “If only you had said this earlier…” she said sadly, remembering the situation. “I love you too.” A pain shot up through her right hand. Suzz tried not to wince, but the pain was agonizing. She bit her lips, trying to prevent herself from scaring Jay.
Jay looked at her, an expression of worry and concern mingled with surprise visible on his face. Her body felt limp against his strong hold. Suzz closed her eyes. She’s drifting into unconsciousness, he thought alarmingly. Rocking her slightly, Jay called out to her. To his relief, she woke up few seconds later. “Suzz, stay here with me,” he soothed. “Don’t sleep, don’t sleep.”
Between dream-like fantasies and hard, conscious reality, Suzz heard someone whispering. She struggled to retain consciousness. Each time she drifted back into unconsciousness, it took Jay longer to wake her. Blue, white and black-colored dots swam before her eyes. She was suddenly back into the tunnel again. The light seemed nearer, brighter. The air was cooler, and the music louder. She began to walk towards the light, aware of a tiredness that seemed to burden her, making it twice as hard to walk…
“Suzz!” A sudden, loud voice jolted her back into reality. She opened her eyes carefully, only to find Jay touching her forehead and stroking the side of her face nervously. Jay sighed softly as Suzz forced a weak smile. She stared at him, mentally painting his face in her mind, observing his fine features, drowning herself in the warmth of his arms. His smile will be forever imprinted into her photographic memories, if she is allowed to bring them along to the place up, up above. A wave of sadness hit her. She will no longer see him bending over the piano, his eyes closed, concentrating on listening to the music, nor will she ever feel the soft touch of his skin linger against hers anymore. The thought of not belonging to his future burned like a sword thrust into her heart. Yet she have to go…
“Suzz,” Jay’s almost-dreamy voice woke her from her reverie. “You know, one day, we’ll watch the sunset together. We’ll reminisce the good times we had together, especially those in the music room. And we’ll sing our song again, and again. I would never get sick of it, because it’s OUR song. Right?” Jay looked down at her, a smile plastered on his face; his eyes red and swollen.
“Jay,” she said, trembling. Lifting up her hand with tremendous effort, she traced the lower part of his jaw lightly. In his eyes, Suzz saw fear, and… hope. She hated to break the beautiful scene he had mentally paint, but she didn’t want him to go on fantasizing. It was hurting her deeply, knowing that Jay will go on living whilst she could only be in his memory, like a breeze that disappeared as quickly as it came. “Jay, Jay,” she whispered, suddenly feeling dizzy. “I’ll miss you. I’ll never have the chance to love you…” She smiled, adding, “If only our love could bloom… I’m sure it’ll be beautiful, absolutely beautiful.”
“NO!” The anger in his tone frightened her a little. Jay brushed his tears fiercely with the sleeves of his tuxedo. He began to sob softly. “Why must it be so unfair…” His voice dropped to barely above a whisper. “Why must you go… why must it happen to us… WHY?” His shoulders drooped. “We’ve got so many things to do together… in the future. We’re going to get famous together, remember? But no… you have to go first. And I’ll be alone,” he said bitterly.
Suzz swallowed a lump in her throat. I can’t move both my hands, she realized. Panic rose in her. Her time’s almost up. But how could she leave Jay in a state like this? “Please Jay. You won’t be alone. I’m always here, in your memory. We WILL watch the sunset. I’ll be there beside you. All you have to do is to remember… remember me, and I’ll be there.” A familiar buzzing grew in her head, and she fought to hold back her tears. “Jay,” she whispered, gazing up into his troubled eyes, her energy nearly used up. “Before I go, can you give me a kiss?” she asked softly, quite amazed at her own courage.
Jay looked at her, a tear-stained face. He was calmer now, no longer feeling lost. A realization dawned upon him. Yes, by remembering, she will always be in his heart. That thought somehow comforted him. He felt stronger to let her go now, knowing that even if her soul may not be here anymore, memories of her will remained and be truly cherished till the end of time. Her smile, her eyes… they will forever haunt him in his dreams. The walls of the music room will forever be tainted by her laughter. And in his heart, her love will always continue giving him support. With that thought in mind, Jay felt in peace with himself. Leaning closer, his lips touched hers softly. He trembled. She felt so cold, he thought. Then with a fiery passion that ran deeply within him, he kissed her, silently saying goodbye to her. Suzz returned it with passion so strong that it surprised him. Slowly, after what seemed like forever, he lifted his head, breaking the intensifying kiss. A look of tranquility crossed her face as she smiled softly, her hands dropped limply to her side. “I love you, Jay,” she whispered. “Forever.”
“I love you too.”
Suzz closed her eyes, Jay’s words spinning in her mind. She finally reached the end. The light was bright, but Suzz looked right into it. What she saw made her smile. She turned around, casting a longing glance at the other end of the tunnel where she came from, and whispered a soft “goodbye”. Turning towards the light, she took a step forward. Taking a deep breath, she walked into the light.
“Goodbye.”
Tears cascaded freely down his cheeks as she breathed in her last. “I love you,” he struggled to say, not holding back his tears anymore. “Goodbye.” He hugged her body, feeling the life in her drifting away, further and further, to somewhere above. At last, what was left of her was just a shell, a body without a soul. Jay crumbled to the floor, holding her tightly, planting a light, tearful goodbye kiss on her forehead, wanting to feel her fragile body against his for the last time, even if it was lifeless.
Once the almost-magical feeling of the fantasy world that surrounded Jay and Suzz disappeared, the reality of the situation sank in. People were all around him, shouting and screaming. A deep, booming voice, which Jay presumed it was some authoritative figure, probably a doctor or a police officer, drowned the others. It was saying something, but Jay wasn’t paying attention to the voice. He was only vaguely aware of the confusion around him, oblivious to everything.
Except for one.
Casting a long, expressionless glance at her white face, he felt his world crumbling away. The future had looked so promising for her, a young talented musician. But in the end, she had succumbed to the deadly claws of the fatal disease she had contracted. No longer will the music room be lively with her tinkling laughter, or the piano that stood forlornly at a corner will play the beautiful songs they had composed.
She’s gone, Jay thought tiredly, closing his eyes. She’s really gone.
Never will her smile and laughter brighten his days anymore. Never will life seem hopeful and carefree again. Never will love be complete and fulfilling again.
Jay opened his eyes painfully, and stared down upon the pale, almost peaceful face of hers. She seemed so calm, so tranquil, almost like she's sleeping...
Sleep now my love, and I’ll dream for the both of us.
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^_^ The last quote may seem familiar, because most likely you'd have seen it in the poster above or even in the BG image. Yep, dear Ayu thought that up, and I felt that it perfectly sums up the chapter. Thank you all again, for being such supportive readers. Let me see, I should be doing a page of 'final notes' soon. ^_^ Thank you!!!
[Posted on 7/12/2002 12.41AM]