Fan Fiction |
by sileNt_rOse
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Every day, Suzz would wait for Jay in the music room. It had become a routine for her. After the bell rang to signal that school is over, Suzz would rush back home to take a quick lunch. Her parents were seldom at home, living her alone with two maidservants in her newly brought house, a majestic-looking mansion. At times, Suzz felt that her parents neglected her, millionaires as they were, but she quickly brushed the thoughts away as she remembered Jay.
Since the first day she met him, she knew that he was special. It proved to be true. She had been willing to open up her feelings to him, which was unique in a way that she hadn't know Jay for long. She was a very outgoing person in the past, but after a horrible turn in her life in which she preferred to remain silent about it, maturity and wisdom settled within her, making her look serious and cool. But Jay… he had managed to restore some of her playfulness, and the burden that was torturing her for quite some time was beginning to get lighter. Suzz knew it would never be completely lifted, but at least, its weight would diminish.
After a bath, Suzz would walk back to school again, refusing the chauffeur’s polite request to drive her there. At late afternoon, the school seemed empty and huge. Yet, Suzz appreciated the privacy the lonely school provided, knowing that this was the time of the day where she can rest without any disturbance.
She and Jay, both being musically gifted, often exchange ideas. After each piano session, they would have a little chat. Day by day, Suzz was looking forward to meeting Jay in the music room. And day by day, Jay began to open up more about him. Suzz found out that he lived alone in a rented apartment near the school. She listened in sympathy as Jay told her his parents had died in a plane crash when he was but five. With a shy and reserved personality, Suzz could easily understand the reason why he had so little friends. Only his closest friends see a different side to him. Suzz liked his sense of humor, making up jokes that made Suzz split at the sides. And yet, he was mature beyond his years, as shown in his songwriting and lyrics-composing skills.
One day, while late for the usual session, she had rushed into the music room. She paused abruptly at the door. The serene image of Jay sitting on the piano chair, his hands poised as though playing a song, his fringe shading his eyes, took the breath out of Suzz. She had never realized that Jay was actually quite… cute. All this while, she treated him as a very close friend, confiding her innermost secrets to him, trusting him to keep them to himself. She blushed slightly and was about to turn away to regain her composure when Jay called out.
“Suzz,” he said, concerned. “You’re late.” He had looked worried.
Sorry, she apologized, making a feeble excuse that she took a nap and overslept. Jay nodded without further inquiries.
They sat side to side on the chair, but none of them were in the mood to play. For Suzz, it was the newfound discovery that made her restless; for Jay, the need to talk to someone after a day of non-communication.
How was your day? He asked.
“Boring as usual,” Suzz replied with a weak smile. Somehow, Suzz didn’t feel like talking. She wanted to just savor every single moment with Jay; his presence made her feel secure. Jay nodded wordlessly. He had somehow understood her unspoken thoughts. Glancing sideways, he looked at her shyly. Her hair was tied into a simple chiffon; stray strands of hair were tucked behind her ears. Her hands were placed on her lap. Jay quickly looked away when Suzz faced him.
“So how’s yours?” she asked timidly.
Fine, Jay replied. And with you here, it’s beautiful, Jay found himself blurting that out to Suzz. A small gasp escaped from her, but Jay didn’t bother to correct his sentence; he just felt surprised at his courage to even speak. Suzz nodded gratefully; Jay could sense the hesitation in her. But she was blushing, Jay had noted, a feeling of satisfaction rushed through him. It had been almost two weeks since the day they met each other. Strangers as they were at first, their conversation now flow endlessly. Gaps of awkward silences were shortening every time they talk. Jay felt proud of himself. For a guy whose shy personality disables him to socialize, he was making progress within himself. And the person who had slowly coaxed him out of his solitary life, is none other than her.
He smiled as she reddened. What are you smiling at? She had asked shyly. Jay shook his head wordlessly. Suzz’s lips curved upwards at the sides slightly. Jay looked away, staring onto the black and white keys. A comfortable silence engulfed them for a moment; the silky white curtain softened the afternoon sunlight’s glare, and it fell onto the velvet blue-carpeted floor of the music room. The room was cold. Suzz shivered, rubbing her hands to warm herself.
You’re cold? He asked. She nodded, and folded her arms tightly. Jay took off his jacket and hanged it gently over her shoulders. She trembled, not because of the coolness of the room, but the brief touch of his hand lingered on her shoulders. She mumbled a soft “thank you”, not knowing exactly what to say; it was as though her mind had completely numbed. Jay just shrugged. Suzz glanced at him. He was just wearing a simple black singlet underneath his jacket. Suzz couldn’t help but stare at the biceps muscles on his arms. I wonder, she thought, how would it feel to be in his arms. She pictured herself lying against him, his hands wrapped around her as they watched the sun set…
Suzz blushed, and turned away as Jay gave her a curious look. What the heck am I thinking about? Suzz shook herself mentally. Stop fantasizing, she warned herself.
Jay tilted his head slightly. Even though she looked away as soon as he turned to face her, he had managed to catch a glimpse of the glow on her face. For reasons unknown to his heart, Jay felt a warm feeling stirred within him. It was an unfamiliar emotion, and Jay could not describe it. All he knew was that the feeling left a fluttering movement in him.
Regaining her composure, Suzz faced Jay. Her eyes searched his, and the emptiness in them made her feel the obligation to reach out for him. She had realized, long ago, that Jay had this sense of loneliness in him that seemed to barrier his way to communicate with others. She somehow felt that, she might be intruding his private life by simply being his friend, and that deep inside, Jay was but a sensitive human with emotions. But his cool expression and a ‘don’t-care’ attitude cleverly masked those feelings, leaving a hard, protective shell around him. Even though Jay didn’t say a word about it, Suzz knew. And understood. His parent’s death had left a strong impact on him, and as a child, he had no one to turn to. He had told her the way he relieved stress was by composing music. Suzz’s eyes glistened in sympathy as she heard his story. This guy should be a famous child prodigy with the natural talents flowing in him, she realized sadly.
Why the sad look? Jay suddenly asked, curiosity gleaming in his eyes.
Suzz shook her head and smiled slightly. Nothing, she answered, just thinking.
Jay accepted the reply without any questions. He took a deep breath, trying to make a conversation. “By the way,” he said softly. Suzz turned abruptly. Jay could just make out the intensifying depths of her eyes. “I don’t recall you telling where you live.”
Suzz decided to leave out the part that her parents were millionaires, and that her home is a magnificent-looking mansion. “I live in this, well,” she gestured her hands in the air, “bungalow at the other side of the town. My parents are working, as lawyers.” Then, she gave a weak smile. “It’s not all cool actually, having your parents as lawyers. They tend to neglect you at times,” she explained.
Jay shook his head. “But at least, you know the feelings of being cared for,” he said quietly. Suzz detected a certain hardness in his tone and quickly blamed herself for bringing up the subject of parents. She tried to steer the conversation away from the depressing topic.
“Know what?” she said playfully. “I’m new here, you know. I just moved in to that house last week.” Then noticing Jay’s confused look, she added. “I’m from Taiwan, but I migrated here one month ago.”
Jay looked genuinely surprised. “Really? No wonder you look kind of different from the people here.” He broke into a smile.
Suzz grinned. “Yeah. My American accent is really, ugh.” She gestured impatiently in the air.
Jay chuckled softly. Suzz couldn’t help but notice the way his face lit up when he laughed. Jay seldom smile, even in her presence, he would just barely nod with just the faint hint of a smile at the corner of his lips. “Well,” his voice gently interrupted her thoughts. “I didn’t actually mean “different” as in the way you speak.”
Suzz shrugged, pretending to not understand what he was saying. Jay glanced at the girl sitting opposite him, and casually asked. Why did you migrate, he questioned curiously. The drastic change of her reaction frightened him for a moment. A blank and distant look replaced the confusion in her expression, as she suddenly grew silent. Jay stared intently at her, slightly worried that he had somehow offended her.
Suzz fidgeted with her hands. Inner conflicts were going through her mind, debating whether or not to let it out. Suzz heaved, remaining quiet, refusing to answer his question. She didn’t want to pull him into this problem, especially that it wouldn’t even matter anymore in a few months time. If she gets well, she will have to move back to Taiwan again. And if she doesn’t… Suzz shook herself mentally, blocking any negative thoughts from entering her mind.
Jay swallowed the lump in his throat. He found his voice and was about to apologize when Suzz’s sharp voice interrupted him. “Actually,” she replied, almost defiantly. “It’s none of your business to interfere with my life anyway.” Suzz frowned slightly, cursing herself for being so rude. After all, Jay was innocent. He didn’t ask that on purpose; he was just being a friend.
Jay’s jaws practically dropped. He tilted his cap, and straightened it again, clearly rendered speechless. What did she mean by “none of your business”, he asked himself. Before, Jay would not even care if someone brushes him off like that, being the loner he was, he would just shrugged them away. But this was different. Suzz was different. And what she said implied to his mind in a different way. He felt confused… disappointed… hurt. Sure, Suzz and him may not know each other for long, but he THOUGHT that they could trust each other. Suzz’s words – “none of your business” – were like knives, each piercing his heart deeply, leaving bleeding wounds in which he had never experienced before. He wanted to feel angry with Suzz for brushing him off like that. But he couldn’t. He just can’t. The anger he had tried so hard to bring it to the surface quickly dissolved into emptiness. He felt the familiar tinge of desolation, loneliness.
Suzz couldn’t bear to look at Jay after what she had just said to him. She knew that she could jeopardize this precious friendship she had with him if she was to keep quiet about it. She just couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth, though knowing perfectly well that Jay would understand her feelings. But she didn’t want him to know, didn’t want him to go through this never-ending nightmare with her. She wanted him to stay as he is, no more, no less. She didn’t want him to worry about her… didn’t want him to drift away from her.
The thought of him experiencing pain brought tears in her eyes. Suzz shook her head fervently. No, she felt like shouting. I WANT him to know… WANT him to go through all this with me… WANT him to…
Suzz’s heart nearly stopped beating as she realized what she was going to say. She repeated the words silently again.
I wanted him… to love me.
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[Posted on 17/10/2002 7.18PM]