| Fan Fiction |
by Kim HeeChul
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Everyday I cry, I smile, cry then smile again. What’s wrong with me, why do I do this repeatedly? So far in my life, I never felt pain this excruciating.
Absent-mindedly, I write you name over and over on a piece of paper. In a day, the paper becomes black and I finally let the pain go.
I long for you. I hold on to my cell phone and let it go. My eyes are filling up with tears again. Everyday, I talk to myself and put myself under a spell. But even so, I keep shedding my tears.
If I say that I’m in pain, I’m scared that I’ll really be in pain. If I say I’m sad, I’m scared that I will shed my tears. Why don’t I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh?
But people ask me why I’m crying when I’m laughing like this.
After you left, I think I became a fool. I can’t do anything. I shove myself into a corner and live.
Without you, there’s nothing left to do.
A day is too long, way too long. But what I was busy with, to make you feel so lonely. Going out with my friends was so easy, but why couldn’t I do the same to you?
I always regretted being so slow, I don’t know if I’m really stupid but I still can’t let go of our bond.
I’m without a heart, I don’t have a heart.
Again today, I can see through your lies. My heart is in so much pain, I’m begging for you help.
How can I smile at times like this?
I wanna smile, like the ones in dramas. I wanna smile, like the title of my blog. I wanna smile, be happy like in my past.
I can’t be in pain. I’ll just laugh, just laugh, just laugh. Please, I want to stop crying now.
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It has been 2 years since he left me. He left me without even saying good bye. Without even telling me why he left. It hurts. It hurts so much. I spent 2 years of my life thinking about why he left me. Am I not good enough for him?
I wonder what the real reason is. We were the happiest couple back then but one day, he started to act cold towards me. I thought he was just stressed out with things but I can sense that something is wrong. True enough, something was really wrong.
Days after he started giving me the cold treatment, he never called me. He never showed himself up, he never answered my calls. But I didn’t give up. I went to his house but he wouldn’t open his door for me. I waited for him outside but still, he didn’t come out. He also stopped going to school. I asked the school if they know something about him but they didn’t answer my question. I kept on asking his friends but they all shoved me away. They didn’t want to talk to me and they all treated me as if I don’t exist.
I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t take the pain anymore. It’s killing me. Everyday, I cry myself to sleep thinking that someday, he’ll come back to me—for me.
We both kept a promise that we’ll stay beside each other no matter what, that we’ll be with each other forever—and if not forever, just as long as we could. What happened to our promise?
My name is Kim Jaejoong and the one I have been waiting for is my boyfriend, Kim Hyunjoong.
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Like any other days, I woke up from my sleep and got ready for school. As I went downstairs, I found my friends Junsu, Kibum and Heechul waiting for me. As usual, they never asked me if I was ok because they know what my answer will be. I kept on trying to smile and be happy and I always end up faking it. No one in school talks to me except for my three friends and my cousin, Changmin. They always think that I’m weird and crazy even if they don’t know the reason why I’m acting like this.
I sighed as I sat down my chair. I got my notebook from my bag and scribbled things in it. As I was busy scribbling, I felt that someone was staring at me. It gave me creeps but I just ignored it thinking that whoever that was, he’ll stop. But I was wrong, that person kept on staring at me as if he doesn’t feel that I know he’s looking at me. I turned my head back and there I spotted him, still looking at me. I was so annoyed.
“What are you staring at?” I asked him with a cold voice. Now, that was a first. I don’t usually talk to other people but he’s pissing me off.
“Oh.” He smiled at me. “Can we be friends?” his question took me by surprise. No one except my friends has asked me that question. I didn’t know what to answer so I just went back to what I was doing. I thought that he would stop bothering me since I ignored him. But no! He sat beside me. Man! “Hi Jaejoong.” He knows my name? Of course he does!
“Who are you?” I asked, not looking at him.
“I’m Jung Yunho, your classmate.”
“Classmate? Why don’t I know you?”
He chuckled. “You’re asking me why? Lemme guess, well maybe it’s because you don’t socialize with us. That’s why. You’re stuck with yourself and your friends. Don’t you find it boring? I mean, I can guess that you only go to school then back home. You know, the school-home routine.”
“Shut up. Don’t talk to me.” I snapped. How could he say that? He doesn’t even know me.
“Aww! I’m sorry Jaejoong. I just want to be friends with you.” He said over a pout.
He really wants to be friends with me? “But why?” I asked him.
“I don’t know. You don’t talk that much. You’re so mysterious and interesting.”
Now, he has completely caught my attention. “I am?”
He nodded. “Uh-huh. I really don’t know why but it’s like something inside me made me want to talk to you and get to know you. Maybe it’s because I feel sad for you. No offense, but you have a very sad life. I know that I have no right to say that but I want to help you. I want you to always feel happy.”
Jung Yunho, you are such an interesting person. But too bad, I don’t think I can open up to you easily even if I want to. I just can’t trust anyone yet.
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A/N: Ok. First chapter's up. I hope you liked it.
THANKS! Comments please!
ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH! LONG LIVE DONG BANG SHIN GI!!!!
-- Kim HeeChul --